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auburn

“Follow me,” he said, tugging on my hair to follow him.

He had pulled me outside, and we sat in the chairs for a few minutes. He was sweaty and told me he needed to cool down. We chatted for a bit about school and friends. I had this obsession with books, and he convinced me that his father had the best library in all of town and many pieces in his collection were first editions.

“I can’t believe we’ve been in the same classes and I never knew your name,” JXX said as we walked up toward the library.

Yeah, for years , I wanted to tell him, but he’d convinced me that upstairs he had a first edition Jane Austen in his dad’s library, and nothing had me nerding-out more than a special edition of any book, so a classic was my kryptonite.

“Yeah. Totally.” JXX was one of the best-looking guys at school. Every single girl at school wanted to be with him and every guy wanted to be like him, so taking me upstairs to show me this after all this time was wild.

I slowly followed him up the stairs, down the long hallway that seemed to stretch for miles. My mom always told me I was the reason she never ended up in the houses on this street because she had me, and my father hated me so much because I cried nonstop as an infant that he left. She’d tell me it was my fault that her future was never this bright.

“Cool house,” I said, trying to fill the quiet space. You could still hear the pumping of the music from up here, but it was muted, and when he pushed open the large door to the library, I was enveloped by silence.

“Holy shit,” I said as we pushed through the doors and walked to the middle of the library. “This looks like a museum.”

Walking into the library felt like we were stepping into a time capsule. The wooden walls had that old smell, like a mix of books and polished wood. The shelves were packed with books of all sizes and shapes.

The furniture added to the charm. Big chairs with fancy carvings looked so cozy, like they could swallow you whole. Some were so big they could pass for beds. I walked toward the center of one of the leather couch-beds and threw myself onto it, forgetting momentarily that I was not in my house and I was next to JXX.

Embarrassed, I got up from the couch and scooted to the edge. “Stay.” JXX walked over and sat next to me on the leather.

* * *

“Sunshine,” Ledger crooned. Without touching my cheeks, I could tell they were soaked with tears—and not because of a sudden downpour.

“I don’t remember his name, Ledger,” I whispered, my voice cracking as I spoke.

Ledger scanned me with concern etched in the wrinkles beneath his eyes. “I don’t understand.”

“Me neither.” I sniffled. “When I was in therapy, I was told that it was a coping mechanism for the trauma that I went through. It’s like his entire identity vanished from my brain. I never asked Emma, never wanted to because I think deep down inside I didn’t want to know his name. I vaguely remember what he looked like. The only reason I can picture his face is because of the parts of Austin I don’t see in myself.”

Ledger’s hand never moved from mine as his thumb kept its steady rhythm of circling and applying pressure. “I don’t know his name, and even when my mother asked me who it was I couldn’t tell her. When Austin asks me who his father is, I don’t mean to keep it a secret from him. I genuinely don’t know.”

Ledger shook his head, and the birds reminded us we were still sitting in this beautiful garden. It felt ironic, really. Here I was baring my entire soul to Ledger—sharing something that was one of the worst things anyone could go through. It was such a dark and depressing time, yet I was sitting inside one of the world’s most pristine gardens.

It was a mask for the story I was sharing like I wore out in the world, covering up my scars. “I wish I could be normal,” I whimpered.

Ledger, without letting go of my one hand, brought me so close his body practically swallowed me. “Normal is boring.”

With unshed tears in my eyes, I dragged my head up to look into his whiskey-warm eyes. “I wish I could be safe.”

His forehead dropped. “I’m right here.”

* * *

“I’ve never noticed how beautiful you are in class.” I looked down at my top, feeling all too exposed and realizing when I sat down, it slipped down, so I was literally spilling out.

“You’ve never noticed me at all.” I shrugged, but something didn’t feel right, like all of the air was sucked out of the room, and I needed to get out—to breathe. I quickly went to adjust my top, and JXX’s hands stopped me.

“No.” His voice had dropped an octave.

I gave a wry smile as I attempted to swat his hand away, but his fingers only curled around my wrist tighter. “No,” he repeated.

I laughed, attempting to distract the alarm bells going off in my brain. “Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.” It was an easy lie I used to get myself out of this situation. I needed to leave as quickly as I could, but the door was so far away from me, and JXX was so much taller and stronger than me.

“No, you don’t. There isn’t a single person who’d date you,” he sneered, his fingers gripping the top of my shirt as he tore it open, exposing me. I felt a cold draft in the room and instinctively tried to cover myself, but he pinned one of my hands to the sofa, leaving me unable to use both hands to shield myself.

“I d-d-do,” I choked out. The door was so far away, but if I could twist out of his grip, then I could get over there. I could run. I didn’t practice, but I promised myself that when I got out of here I’d run for miles if that’s what it took to get out.

“Liar.” JXX gritted his teeth at me as one hand quickly went to my throat while the other started to massage my breasts.

“Fucking perfect.” He was choking me. Suddenly, I realized I would die, and Emma was downstairs. Because of the insulation in the room and the music downstairs, it didn’t matter how much I yelled. No one would hear me.

“Tell me what you want,” I said, as his grip loosened for a moment. I took a deep breath, bracing myself for what might happen next.

His nose caressed the side of my neck as his teeth came up to my ear, biting down hard on my lobe.

“Your virginity.”

I swallowed. It was like the entire world slowed down. There was no faint noise of the party downstairs anymore or the smell of his breath as his mouth continued to press against my clammy skin.

Think. Think. I could get out of this. There was a way out, and I would find it. “I’m not a virgin.” I scoffed, hoping he didn’t catch the lie.

But his hand squeezed against my neck. “Lie to me again,” he sneered. “You’ll see what I do to girls who don’t tell the truth.”

I closed my eyes, allowing myself a moment to think about how close yet how far that door was.

His hands moved down to the jeans I was wearing, his cold, clammy skin pulling at my pants with one hand while the other stayed on my neck. When I tried to move or push him away, his grip tightened, cutting off my oxygen.

If I died tonight, I hoped it would be quick, because slowly being suffocated was pure torture. As his hands trailed along my body, tears welled in my eyes, knowing there was nothing I could do. I was trapped.

“Please,” I cried. My voice was hoarse, and I was exhausted. My body was falling apart on me, because I just lay there while his fingers went in and out of me.

“See? You like it.” He held up the hand that had been inside me, coated in moisture. I tried to shake my head, but he pushed my head down into the couch more, his hand on my neck.

“You like it,” he repeated. “Listen, bitch. You’ll enjoy every fucking moment because I am JXX DXXX and everyone fucking loves me.”

He had to momentarily let go of my neck to pull off his pants, and the moment he did, the oxygen raced back into my lungs.

“Please,” I cried. My throat felt like sandpaper as I tried to get the words out. “Please. Let me go. I won’t tell anyone.”

I attempted to push up onto my elbows so I was in a sitting position, giving me a little more leverage to run away from what was happening, but he used the weight of his body to push me back down, mounting me immediately.

It was then when I looked up and saw the person towering over me, using both his physical strength and twisted version of reality to get what he wanted from me.

There was nothing I could do. I’d figured if this ever happened to me or I was put in a position like this, I’d somehow fight my way out of it—but I collapsed.

His mouth was foaming with need, something he thought he could take without me telling him it was okay.

“Fucking bitch. Stop fighting.”

I sank back down onto the couch and squeezed my eyes shut, seeking refuge in my imagination. I envisioned the gentle touch of raindrops, the soothing solitude of nature’s embrace. I imagined the anticipation of sharing this moment with someone special, their touch and taste a welcomed sensation. Mentally, I retreated to my haven, tuning out the grunts and groans of the person bearing down on me, pinning me to the leather couch.

“Perfect little virgin vagina.

“Hold still, bitch.

“Everyone at school’s going to know what a dirty fucking slut you were.”

There was so much happening in my world, but I tried to keep my eyes shut and live in the world that I was safe in—my world. Occasionally, I peered over at the door, which somehow got farther and farther away.

When he finished, I could feel the liquid inside me as he quickly pulled out of me and got off me. I jumped up and grabbed my tattered tube top, quickly knotting it in front of my chest so I didn’t have to go downstairs with nothing on.

“Pro tip,” JXX shouted as I grabbed my pants and ran as fast as I could toward the door. I tried not to let his voice penetrate my ears, but it was so hard to ignore. “You’ll be better if you know what you’re doing, so you can thank whoever you fuck next for teaching you.”

Tears streamed down my cheeks. Maybe he and my mom were right. I was nothing. I was no one. I was never…enough.

I sniffled as my hand hovered over the handle. Why I waited for that moment and didn’t just slam open the door and run was something I would regret my entire life.

His hands pulled me back and forced me to bend backward to look up at him.

“You better keep your trap shut about this. If you blab, I’ll make sure everyone knows how you were practically begging for it in that ridiculous outfit, pretending to say no for laughs. And if that’s not enough, I’ll make sure you regret it. Got it?”

I nodded, albeit awkwardly as I was upside down. What he failed to grasp was that I couldn’t confide in anyone about this ordeal. The guilt and shame weighed heavy on me because, deep down, I had provoked him.

Perhaps it was my fault because I didn’t do this with someone else. I had somehow given him my virginity because no one else had wanted to take it. It was my fault for what I wore, daring to show a hint of skin, igniting a fire in him that he couldn’t control. Whatever the cause, I couldn’t escape. I had brought this upon myself.

He released my hair, and I nearly collided with the wooden door. Without a second thought, I bolted downstairs, leaving behind any semblance of composure. I didn’t bother seeking Emma out, nor did I glance back to see if anyone noticed my disheveled state. All I wanted was to flee, to put distance between myself and that suffocating room. I would bear the consequences of my actions for a long time.