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ledger

“I fucccckkking lllove her,” I confessed. Alex and I were at the dingiest dive bar I’d ever stepped foot in. I was from a small town, so I knew what dive bars were, but this one was off the highway on the outskirts of Denver. The inside was decked out in wood paneling, the leather barstools were ripped in many places, and the smell of piss and beer was pungent.

The guys ordered pizzas from next door because none of us had the right sense to order from here, and the owner let us bring them in. By the time I’d admitted my deepest, darkest secrets to Alex, I was far too many beers deep.

“I cannot fucking believe Cap is actually out on the town the day before a game,” Dirks shouted from the other side of the bar. I lifted my beer in a silent salute before bringing it back to my lips and downing another gulp.

“Did you hear what I fucking had to say?” I grumbled way too loudly to Alex.

“Shut up. You’re about to expose yourself to the whole team.” Alex grabbed my shirt, but I shook him off and took another long pull of my cold beer.

“I’m so glad I came out tonight.” I jumped off the stool, and everything felt like it leaned a little to the left.

“I’m definitely regretting pushing you to come,” Alex mumbled as he joined me, grabbing my arm.

“You okay, buddy?” he asked, and I gave him a little shove.

“Just want to dance and fuck someone tonight,” I said that far too loudly, and the hoots from the team behind me confirmed my suspicions.

“You never dance,” Alex grumbled. “Also, didn’t you just tell me you lov?—”

“She’s just my friend. Plus, tonight’s a new night, buddy, and I’m living.” I punched the air and shouted the last word loudly as I walked onto the dance floor.

Alex was right, though. This was all very abnormal for me. I much preferred to be in the shadows than to be out on the dance floor.

“You have two left feet, Cap,” Dirks shouted from the bar, and I tipped my beer toward him, splashing a bit on the ground.

I grabbed the first brunette I saw, spinning her around the floor as her laughter filled the room. But it all felt so wrong. The way she moved didn’t match, and the feel of her waist under my hands didn’t fit like my Sunshine. Still, I kept dancing because I needed something—some kind of release or a taste of that high. I was desperate, always chasing the image that haunted my dreams every time I closed my eyes.

“You’re the captain of the Chicago Ravens?” The girl’s voice broke me out of my trance, and I looked down at her soft, delicate features. She was fucking beautiful, and at any other point in my life, I’d have dragged her to the bathroom and fucked her right then.

Everything was different, though. “Yeah. Thanks for the dance.” I shook her arm off me as I tried to pull away, but her fingernails dug into my forearm.

“But I can make you very happy.” The corners of her lips twisted into a smile, and her eyes were hooded, but I shook my head.

It was like fighting with myself. My brain told me to fuck this stranger. If I fucked her, I’d get Auburn out of my head, but my heart knew there was no way I’d ever be able to do that. Auburn consumed me. She wasn’t just a one-time thing. For the past month, I’d dreamed about her, fisted my cock for her, and imagined her sweet mouth on mine every fucking second of every goddamn day. Nothing would taste as good as the sun shining down on a gloomy day.

“Sorry,” I said as I tried to get off the dance floor and away from the brunette.

“But I promise.” She followed on my heels. I was too fucking drunk for this, and since I was unable to get Alex’s attention, I had to deal with it on my own.

“Listen,” I said as I slowly pivoted. “Sorry for sending you the wrong signals. I need to get back to my hotel room over there.”

“I’ll walk you.” She linked her arm through mine. “It looks like your friends are occupied, and the road is super busy. I wouldn’t want you getting hit by a car or anything.”

I closed my eyes. “No, thank you.”

“My name is Tay.”

I tried to take another step away from her, but my feet tangled, sending me crashing face-first to the ground. Being a tall guy, it felt like it took forever to hit the floor, which groaned under my weight when I landed on the piss-stained wooden boards.

“I told you,” the feminine voice squealed from above me. I groaned, rubbing my hands over my face, hoping to God I didn’t somehow contract pink eye from this.

“Fine. Fuck.” The guys were still crowded in the corner, none of them seeming to care that I’d fallen flat on my face. “Just a walk.”

I got up and let the brunette, Tay, put her hands through my arm before we headed to the hotel room.

Truthfully, she was helpful. If it wasn’t for her, I’d probably have gotten hit by a few of these cars when I tried to cross the road and gone through the wrong entrance to the hotel. She also helped me convince the people at the front desk I was a patron of the hotel and not someone who was lost coming home from the dive bar.

Her selfless act was kind, helping me get to the right floor. She spoke little, only giggled the few times I made an ass out of myself. Before I could get to my room, I stopped her, much more sober than I was earlier.

“This is where we part,” I said, but her eyes grew in frustration.

“I thought maybe I could help you to your room.” I had to give her credit for trying, but absolutely not. The worst thing that could happen was Auburn seeing her with me.

“No.”

“I could help you get into bed, keep it warm for you,” she added.

“No,” I repeated. “Thank you.”

Just then, a door opened behind me, so I needed to get away from this situation. I hoped to God it wasn’t Auburn. She couldn’t see me, not like this.

“Thank you. Bye.” I turned on my heel, sprinting down the hallway, and before I got to my room, I spun around to make sure she was gone.

She shook her head and headed back toward the elevator bank. Spinning around, I ran into someone.

“Auburn!” I shouted before I got a look at who it was. Unfamiliar eyes danced with my own, and as I stepped back, I realized it was a complete stranger…who I was holding by the forearms. “I’m so sorry.”

It was an older gentleman in a large fluffy bathrobe. He was stuttering as I backed away. “I-I was just getting ice?”

“I’m so sorry,” I repeated, trying to make sure I enunciated each word and didn’t slur.

“Are you okay, boy?” the man asked me.

“Yes. I just thought you were someone…” I threw my hands in the air, wanting to avoid explaining my complicated life to him.

“Hey,” the man exclaimed. “I know you. You’re the reason my wife and I are in town.”

Oh, no. Please don’t recognize me. “You’re the captain of the Chicago Ravens, Ledger Cole, aren’t you?”

Fuckkkkkk. Sober up. Get your shit together. “Yes, sir. I am.”

“We drove three hours to see you play. My wife’s third cousin, once removed, saw you play for the Ravens when you first started your career…”

He kept talking while I tried my best to make sure the world didn’t spin. I nodded a few times to look like I was listening to his story, then I swore I saw a glimpse of that curly hair in the hallway.

“Auburn?”

“Autumn? No. I think we saw you back in the winter of?—”

“So sorry. I see my girl over there. It was nice to see you. Sorry for bumping into you, but I best be going.” I slipped behind him and raced to get to her door before it shut.

She came from the stairwell, so she hadn’t seen me and the brunette from earlier. As I got to her door, it clicked shut. She had no idea I was out here looking for her. I guess I’d run my luck with fate.

Whoever was in charge of the system up there must’ve thought I’d fucked up too many times and stopped giving me chances to run into her.

It was stupid of me. She could have run into us at any moment and would have been devastated. I didn’t want to be with Tay. I wanted to be with Auburn, no matter how risky it was for us.

I leaned against her door and sank to the ground, refusing to knock, then closed my eyes just for a moment.