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auburn

The next day, I called out of work and decided to treat myself to a day out in the city. After my cryfest with Emma last night, she reassured me I wasn’t the selfish asshole I thought I was for hooking up with Ledger. She was actually super proud of me for stepping out of my mom bubble.

I stretched on the bed and relished the quiet of the day. I needed it before Austin’s home game tomorrow night. It was the first of the season, so the energy would be high. Fortunately, this meant two full days off work.

Eventually, I dragged myself out of bed and surveyed the chaos of my room. With the day off, I might as well start by tidying up and investing in a shelving unit to bring some order to the chaos.

“But first, coffee,” I muttered, shuffling the short distance from my bed to the kitchen in my studio apartment. As I was about to hit the start button on the coffee pod machine gifted to me by Austin last Christmas, there was a sudden knock on the door.

I approached the large wooden door and peered through the small peephole, but the visitor was blocking my view. “Who is it?” I called out, not particularly keen on becoming the protagonist of a crime documentary today.

“Delivery,” replied the voice, attempting to sound deeper than it actually was.

Frowning, I found myself torn between caution and curiosity. Like a character in a horror movie, I mentally screamed, Don’t open the door , but my curiosity won out.

“Not today, murderer,” I said as my better senses somehow kicked in. “Just drop it at the doorstep!”

There was a long pause as I leaned up against the frame to see if anyone would respond.

“Bitch. Open the fucking door, it’s me,” a familiar voice said.

“Holy crap,” I exclaimed as I whipped the door open and pulled Emma into a tight hug. She dropped her bag as I spun her around a few times.

“Your detective skills are seriously lacking,” she teased as I set her down.

“Well, you were lurking out there like a weirdo. I didn’t know who to expect,” I retorted, gesturing for her to come inside.

Once indoors, I took a moment to admire my long-missed friend. She adjusted her blue baseball cap.

“You’re looking good.” I whistled, eyeing her jumpsuit and Ravens sweatshirt combo. Her straight, long brown hair hit right below her shoulders, and she seemed thinner than when I last saw her. Her job was causing her stress, and it made me want to wrap her up and ask her if she needed anything.

I thought we both needed today more than she’d ever let on.

“I woke up at five to beat the city traffic, so that coffee I smell better have my name on it,” she joked.

I grinned and made us each a cup. Emma flopped onto the couch with a sigh, kicking her feet up on the small wooden coffee table.

I brought over our mismatched mugs before snuggling up close to her on the gray couch. She looked around the apartment, then back at me as I kicked my legs across hers.

“Your son is a millionaire, and this is where you’ve decided to post up?” She narrowed her eyes at me.

“You know better than anyone that I am not taking a dime of his money. I saved for this, and it is what I can afford on my salary.”

She closed her mouth and nodded while looking toward my bed. “This was the result of your fight with your period panties the other day?”

My mouth lifted into a smile, and we broke into a fit of laughter before a comfortable silence filled the air. “Thank you for coming. I needed you.”

I grasped my friend’s hand as she rested her head against the back of the couch. “I know.”

We took long sips of our coffees before she turned to me. “How are you?”

It was a loaded question, and one that I wasn’t sure how to answer either. I was…okay?

“I just wanted to feel…?”

“Say it confidently,” Emma encouraged.

“I just wanted to feel like Auburn Hart for a moment, and I wasn’t able to have that for myself. I ended up hooking up with Austin’s captain, twice. I wasn’t even Auburn to him then. I was his rookie’s mom.”

“Good. Keep going.”

“I’m tired of living for everyone else,” I said, shaking my head as the sun streamed into the apartment, warming up the room on this cold, fall morning. “I’m tired of not knowing who I am outside of being a mom or what my mother thinks of me.”

“You’re exhausted, Aubs, but life doesn’t have to be this way.”

I shook my head. “It absolutely does, though.”

“No,” Emma insisted, straightening so she was sitting up a little more. “Your mother instilled this into you during childhood. She told you every day how worthless of a person you were even though you were successful as shit in high school. For fuck’s sake, she blamed you when?—”

I raised a hand, interrupting her. “I can’t talk about that.” I couldn’t go there. It wasn’t the time, and truthfully, my mental load was at an all-time high. Emma seemed to understand and redirected the conversation.

I swallowed. “I flinched when he touched me, Emma,” I whispered, tears streaming down my cheeks.

“I’ll live with that night as one of the biggest regrets of my life. What you?—”

I shook my head, not wanting to hear her recount it. “I can’t talk about it, but I haven’t had a man come that close to me since that moment, and I was terrified and flinched.”

“You have to face those demons one day, Aubs. You have to be able to share that part of your story and show the world the scars.”

“They’re ugly.” We were talking about the scars I wore on my heart. I covered them up because that was what my mother told me I needed to do.

“They are beautiful, just like you.” She patted my thigh.

“My mother?—”

“Your mother has always told you how bad and terrible of a person you are, so at a certain point, you started to believe it. You worked so hard and sacrificed so much for your son, but now, you’re in your mid-thirties?—”

“Ew…” I cringed jokingly, trying to bring some lightheartedness to the conversation.

Emma ignored me. “We’re both getting older, and it’s finally time you live for yourself. You’re such a good mom, Auburn, but Austin has to learn from his mistakes. We did when we were his age.”

I shook my head. “But look at what my mistakes got me? I love Austin, but he certainly wasn’t in my original life plan. I wouldn’t want him to do something that suddenly somehow got him in trouble.”

“He’s already been in trouble, Aubs, and he’s found his way out of that trouble.”

“With my help,” I retorted.

“Listen, I’m not saying ditch him completely—that would be an asshole thing for me to consider. You’re his mom. What I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to make a selfish decision or two, and don’t walk around the next week with this massive amount of regret from sucking his captain off in his apartment.”

I groaned and ran a finger through my hair. “There’s one caveat.”

“Oh God…” Emma said.

I closed my eyes to say what I needed to as fast as possible. “I have to see him every away game.”

Emma sprang forward on the couch, crossed her legs in her ‘I’m listening pose’, and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees. “Spill the beans.”

As I poured out the details to Emma, I couldn’t help but feel a mixture of frustration and resignation swirling inside me. The prospect of having to fly with the team on away games didn’t exactly thrill me, especially with what happened with Ledger. When I told my boss I was unable to work due to the away game schedule, I thought she would fire me on the spot, but was relieved to find she was understanding about the situation, considering the sporadic nature of the trips.

Then there was Ledger. Our situation had me feeling like I was tiptoeing around a ticking time bomb. We agreed that nothing would ever happen between us again. We would put what happened in the past, opting for a silent pact of avoidance rather than facing the awkwardness head-on—but as I recounted this to Emma, I couldn’t quite imagine what that would look like between us.

“Shit,” Emma said, taking a gulp of her coffee before setting it back down on the table. “That’s a lot.”

I nodded. “It is.”

She paused before a grin rounded her cheeks. “And what a surprise that I happen to be here today. I was planning on staying a day, but I think I can extend my trip.”

I cocked my head to the side. “What’re you talking about?”

“Austin’s first home game is tomorrow, isn’t it?”

I nodded, not sure where she was going with this.

“I think I’ll have to come with you and check out this Captain Cutie for myself.”

I nudged her in the arm, and she burst out into laughter, clutching her stomach.

“You’re an asshole.”

“And you love me,” she said, wrapping me up in a hug.

“Absolutely.” It hit me then—I might not have had my mother’s affection, but with Emma in my corner, I’d never lack love and support. “You’re my rock, always there to offer insight and encouragement when I need it most.”

Too much of my life had been spent deferring to others’ opinions and desires. It was time to start trusting my instincts, even if it meant disappointing my mother. I was an adult and perfectly capable of making my own decisions. It was about time I acted like it.

Shifting slightly, I met Emma’s gaze with newfound determination. “I need to prioritize myself more,” I stated. Speaking the words aloud was a pledge to myself and to Emma. I was ready to take control of my life and put my needs first.

* * *

Emma looked utterly ridiculous with “Best Auntie Ever” sewn into the front of the jersey and Austin’s number 23 on the back with HART above it.

“You look absurd.” I grabbed the two beers and hot dogs we’d ordered and walked down to our section. Austin said we could sit in the family suite, but I decided with Emma here, it’d be more fun to hang out closer to the ice.

“I can’t wait to see Captain Cutie,” she chirped, plopping into her seat and taking a swig of her beer.

“Stop it,” I teased, grinning. “You’re going to embarrass Austin. You look like you’re cheering on a toddler at a dance competition.”

Emma broke out into a hearty laugh, and I smiled, turning my head to watch the ice as they announced the players entering for warm-up.

“Shit. There are so many of them.” She stood, looking around as if she was trying to find someone.

“Found him,” she exclaimed, and I groaned, shoving my hot dog into my mouth. “Is that how you sucked his cock?”

“Emma!” My eyes went wide, and I pulled her down into her seat while covering her mouth with my hand. She merely shrugged, feigning innocence. We settled back into our seats, and I spotted him among the players. I couldn’t help but stare at every inch of his body. I watched him, thick with the pads from his uniform, glide around the ice. My eyes soaked in every detail until they reached his face.

Then our eyes met, and everything else faded away. He paused, his gaze fixed on me. Damn, he looked incredible, every inch thick, rigid, and athletic. He was so tall he towered over the other players.

“Damn,” Emma murmured, gripping my shoulder. “That’s intense.”

I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. It felt like we were the only two people in the arena, lost in each others’ gazes. I drank him in, savoring this moment, knowing it was the closest I’d ever be able to get to him again.

Why was I so attracted to him? Why him?

“There’s Austy,” Emma’s shout made me snap out of it, and we waved enthusiastically in his direction.

“I’m so proud of him,” I said, but my eyes went back to number forty with the C on the front of his jersey.

He had skated off to the side, talking to another player, but I allowed myself to stare a bit longer, and his gaze turned back to mine. Letting the mask slip ever so slightly, I gave him a small smile.

He returned it, even lifting his hand in a wave. Then he was snapped out of his trance when his friend skated over and started talking to him.

I shook my head and focused my attention on the other side of the ice where Austin was, but just as I was about to take another sip of my drink, Emma elbowed me.

“Ow.”

“I saw that.”

I shot my head over to her. “Saw what?”

“I was sitting here while you were eye-fucking the captain.”

I narrowed my gaze at her crude words. “We weren’t eye-fucking.” I held up invisible quotations to further prove my point.

“Hey”—she leaned back—“I’d climb that tree too if I’d seen him first.”

“Ew,” I said, then the players left the rink so the opening ceremonies could start.

“You know,” Emma said softly, “it’s okay.”

I wrapped my hand around hers. “I know.”

Aside from that one time when I was seventeen, I hadn’t imagined myself with anyone else. I had to remind myself it was okay to look, but I couldn’t touch…not again, anyway.

Austin piled in right behind Ledger, and it was hard for me to see anything other than them. I could never get in the middle of them, no matter how much I deserved it.

* * *

“Holy shit,” Emma exclaimed. “That was the most intense game I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

We stumbled hand-in-hand toward the locker rooms where the players spilled out after the game. We were slightly tipsy and buzzing with excitement from the fast-paced match. It was exhilarating. The game went into overtime and was tied until Ledger’s assist to his teammate secured a last-second goal, clinching the victory.

“I can’t believe our guy won his first national game,” Emma squealed as we stepped into the hallway, stopping where the rest of the families were gathered.

I pulled her in. “You can’t call him that. He already catches enough flak for being the youngest player.”

Emma held up the jersey she had been wearing throughout the game as she stood in a plain black top and pant.

“I got it. I’m behaving, just like you said.”

I chuckled, giving her shoulders a reassuring squeeze as Austin emerged from the locker room.

As we surged forward, Emma and I couldn’t contain our pride and rushed to give Austin a massive, sweaty hug.

“Wow, Austin, that was incredible,” Emma exclaimed, her eyes shining with excitement.

“Yeah, you were amazing out there,” I added, feeling a surge of exhilaration.

Austin looked around, as if about to scold us for the commotion, but then he caught sight of our beaming faces. He couldn’t help but grin and pulled us into a warm embrace. “Thanks, guys,” he said, his voice filled with genuine appreciation.

After the adrenaline rush of the game, Emma suggested we all grab dinner to celebrate. Austin’s eyes lit up at the idea, and he nodded eagerly.

“I’m starving,” he exclaimed, his grin widening.

“Sushi?” I proposed.

Emma looked over at him.

“Yes. I love sushi,” he said, his eyes sparkling. “It sounds like the perfect way to cap off the evening.”

As we strolled down the hallway, reliving the game's highlights, Austin halted, a realization flashing across his face.

“Oh man, I forgot my extra uniform inside in the box.”

Without hesitation, I volunteered to retrieve it for him.

“Don’t worry, I’ll grab it,” I said. “Can I get back into the arena?”

“Yeah, you should be able to. Just go through the same tunnel you came to see me.”

I smiled at them. “Okay. I’ll be ten minutes tops, then.”

“Thank you, Mom. Aunt Emma and I will meet you in the car. I’ll have her pull it around to the back entrance for you so you don’t have to walk far.”

I waved and headed back to the arena. He assured me it would be empty and the cleaners would be inside.

As I made my way down the long, dimly lit hallway, the echoes of our celebratory cheers faded into the distance. The corridor, once bustling with fans, was deserted, save for the occasional staff tidying up the remnants of the game.

Pushing open the door leading to the rink, I was met with an eerie sight. The once-vibrant arena, alive with the energy of cheering spectators, was silent and empty. The only sounds were the soft hum of the cleaning machines echoing off the empty seats.

The stark contrast between the frenetic energy of the game and the tranquil stillness that enveloped the arena was surreal. The air seemed charged with the lingering excitement of the game, yet tinged with a sense of calmness as the night settled in.

Navigating my way around the rows of vacant seats, I skirted the edge of the ice, making my way toward the penalty box. In front of me was a close-up of the empty rink bathed in the soft glow of the lights.

As I approached the penalty box, my eyes caught sight of the jersey sitting atop the bench. I had to walk along the ice to get it, but if I held the side, I’d be okay in my shoes. As I reached out to grab it, a movement on the ice caught my attention.

There, gliding across the smooth surface of the rink, was a lone figure in a Ravens jersey. My heart skipped a beat. Ledger was out on the ice, lost in his own world.

I stood frozen, watching him move with effortless grace, his strides fluid and purposeful. The dim light cast a soft glow on his figure, accentuating the contours of his physique as he weaved through the empty arena.

It was a mesmerizing sight, seeing him in his element, completely absorbed in the rhythm of his skating. The echoes of the game still lingered in the air, but here, in this quiet moment, he seemed at peace, alone with his thoughts on the vast expanse of the ice.

As if he sensed my presence, he slid to a stop, his gaze sweeping across the empty stands until it landed on me. There was a moment of hesitation, a flicker of surprise in his eyes, before a warm smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

With effortless grace, he changed direction, gliding toward me with a fluidity that seemed almost otherworldly. Each movement was deliberate, every stride purposeful, as if he were dancing on the ice for me.

As he drew closer, a rush of anticipation coursed through me, and my heart pounded.

And then, in the space between us, a serene stillness enveloped us like a gentle embrace. It was as if time itself had slowed to a halt, allowing us to stay in this moment, suspended in the quiet beauty of the empty arena.

When he reached me, he extended his hand in my direction. “What’re you doing here, Sunshine?” His large body boxed me in, stopping me from stepping onto the ice.

“Aren’t you tired of skating? You played the whole game practically.”

His smile widened, showing off his dimple. “It helps me get the adrenaline out,” he said, his voice raspier and thicker than usual, likely from a game of shouting.

“Oh,” I whispered. A part of me wondered if Ledger was a playboy. I was naive when it came to professional hockey, but most of the players were literally just that…players. I watched Austin play when I could, but I was focused on watching him and not understanding positions.

“You don’t have an after-party to go to?” I wasn’t sure why I asked that question, but it flew out of my mouth before I could stop it.

He huffed out a chuckle and leaned over, invading my personal space. “No. The one person I wanted to see just arrived.”

My cheeks flushed before I pushed his chest, making him fumble on his skates a little.

“Come on,” I groaned. “You can’t say stuff like that, Ledger.”

He shook his head. “I saw the way you watched me, Sunshine.”

I shook my head, trying to back up, but was met with a seat. “No,” I insisted. “You were the one staring at me.”

He laughed before pushing off the edge of the rink, then making one quick lap before coming back. “Why are you here?”

“I-I was just grabbing Austin’s jersey. He left it when he was in the penalty box earlier, and I was just?—”

He skated over to the box, retrieving it for me, then skated back and handed it over the railing.

“It’s dangerous to step on the ice without skates,” he warned.

“Okay,” I whispered, taking the shirt before turning to leave. His hand reached out toward mine again.

“Sunshine?” His voice was strained and low.

I slowly pivoted to face him. “Yeah?”

“Do you know how much adrenaline is coursing through me right now?” I shook my head.

“Do you want to know what I desperately want to do to you?”

I paused, but he filled the silence with his words. “I saw the way you watched every movement I made out there.”

He closed his eyes as if it was painful to say, but I couldn’t help but glance down toward the bulge in his pants. With his street clothes on, it was so obvious how hard he was. Shit. Oh God, I was getting flustered.

“I have to be on this ice because if I don’t, I’ll go home, and it will physically kill me how many times I’d have to jack off imagining the way your mouth popped open every time I scored.”

My jaw dropped.

He pointed at me, stick in hand. “That. That look.”

“I-I’m not doing anything,” I whispered.

“Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. You’re doing everything. You’re fucking ruining me, Sunshine. I was so distracted, so fucking horny while watching your curls bounce every time you jumped up when we scored.”

He slid closer.

“I-I…” The words caught in my throat.

“I was so distracted imagining what it’d look like if next time you sucked me raw, you were wearing nothing but my jersey.”

Moisture increased between my thighs. I was so turned on it almost terrified me.

“Eyes up here, Sunshine.” His deep, raw voice echoed, and I obliged, following the ridges of his body and up to his face.

“I-I…” I was so flustered it seemed I’d lost the sense to string together a sentence. “I can’t. We can’t.”

“We did a few days ago.” More redness flooded my cheeks. “What’s one more taste?”

The only thing separating us was the rink. He couldn’t come toward me without messing up the blades of his skates, there was a sense of control I maintained in this, so I walked closer to him.

I leaned over the boards as he threw off his gloves and dropped his stick. He closed the distance between us, then grasped my waist and lifted me. I let out a giggle, wrapped my legs around his waist, and my hands around his neck.

“Please,” he begged. I was impressed at his ability to hold me up in his skates on the ice.

I didn’t know what I was doing, other than acting on sheer instinct. It was either from watching him the entire game or missing the taste of him on my lips, but I leaned down and crashed my lips to his. He held me, forcing his tongue into my mouth, and moved around the rink.

When he was near, he consumed me completely.

“I can’t believe the way fate always has us meeting, Sunshine,” he murmured as he pulled away momentarily. As I was about to respond, his lips crashed back onto mine, silencing me and taking away all other thoughts I had.

I always second-guessed my plans in life after living with a parent who told me I would never amount to anything. It was hard to believe in myself, but when I was with Ledger, those doubts were erased. This was the reason his presence was so fucking addicting to me.

As his tongue swirled with my mouth, I let out a moan, and he halted in the middle of the rink.

“Make those noises again, Sunshine, and I will need to taste more than just your mouth.”

I was panting, and truthfully, so desperate for more that if he pulled off my clothes right here, right now, I’d let him.

“I dare you,” I said, but as his eyes hooded and his hands tightened on my waist, a large noise echoed throughout the arena.

The door to the players’ locker room slammed open and shut. “Shit.”

I jumped down, then remembered we were in the middle of the ice. He grabbed under my arms and skated me back toward the boards, then recognition flickered in Ledger’s eyes as the person coming back toward us came into the light.

“Who is it?” I asked when I climbed over the boards.

“Just Coach,” Ledger grumbled, adjusting his pants before turning back toward him. My heart thundered in my chest. This was exactly what I was trying to avoid.

“It’s okay,” Ledger assured.

“No.” I shook my head. “I know I said it last time, but please. No more. I can’t. It’s his career. I risked?—”

“I can’t let you go, Sunshine.” Ledger’s voice had a desperate edge to it.

“Cole? Is that you?” A voice echoed from the other side of the rink. I ducked behind the boards, not wanting to get caught. Ledger looked down at me, and he knew what we had—or never got to explore—was not possible.

“I can’t risk this again. I don’t know what this is between us, but it can’t be. This was a mistake.”

Ledger cracked his neck, briefly looking away. But this time his eyes were different. There was no affection or concern for me. There was an icy glaze instead. “A mistake? You think that’s what this is?”

“It has to be.”

He shook his head. “Yeah. That sounds about right.” Turning to skate toward Coach, he paused. “Bye, Auburn.”

After grabbing the jersey, I ran as fast as I could, not daring to look back. I ran until I hit the doors, then took a breath before opening them.

I had to keep it together. As tears threatened to fall and my heart felt like it was tearing, I kept it together. That was what I did best for everyone else. I was the foundation of the house, knowing exactly how to hold the structure up. The problem were the cracks inside me, and Ledger was opening them up, making me terrified I’d crumble if I allowed him in.