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ledger

I lied. I couldn’t articulate what that kiss with Auburn meant because no words in the English dictionary would ever be enough to describe how it felt when our lips met. I’d kissed my fair share of women, but nothing compared to kissing Auburn. It was as though she was pouring life into me, and I, in return, gave her everything, surrendering in a humble bow.

Something had snapped inside her, and I sensed the fear as she ran out of the elevator and into the hallway. I saw the trepidation as her eyes darted around as if looking for someone. Her hands were shaking, and it made me rack through our conversations, trying to figure out if I’d done something wrong or misread the signals.

“Will you leave the door unlocked?”

Her question ran through my mind until I realized she’d likely once felt trapped, and maybe running away was how she’d protected herself.

“Just dinner,” I repeated.

Between last night’s team dinner and this morning’s preseason practice, my social battery was completely drained. It was likely my last season on the ice, and somehow, the universe knew I needed her.

When she turned me down, I thought that was it, but then Auburn showed up outside my building. Sure, she had a family connection to the team, but it had to be more than that—some strange cosmic alignment, right?

“Dinner,” she affirmed, and that shit-eating grin that kept making its appearance formed on my lips yet again.

I walked her down the hallway to my apartment and opened the door so she could walk in first.

“Well, shit. This is much bigger than the ones we saw downstairs.” She walked around in awe.

I laughed…again. Who was I becoming?

“I’m glad you like it.”

She spun on her heel. “Wait, I didn’t say I liked it, just that it’s fucking massive.”

“Oh, you don’t like it?” I closed the door behind me.

“It’s…fine.” The corners of my lips twisted in a smile. This woman was going to test me, and I welcomed it.

“Just fine?” I asked as I walked over to the kitchen, grateful I’d had a cleaning crew come in while I was at practice to pick up after the team dinner.

“Do you want wine?” She shook her head. “Beer?”

The corners of her lips twisted in a smile, and she nodded.

I grabbed two IPAs from the beverage fridge before crossing into the living room where she stood next to the large windows.

“My s—” She shook her head and thanked me for the beer. “How did you say you worked for the hockey team?”

“I didn’t.” I leaned against the window so I could take a good look at her. “I just work for the players.”

I lied. I didn’t want to feel like I was bragging, plus, telling a date I was the captain for the Chicago Ravens usually put our relationship in another position; it became all about my job, and I hated that.

“Oh.”

We fell into a moment of silence, a comfortable hush enveloping us.

Then she broke the silence with a surprising question. “Do you ever glance around up here and catch anyone in the act?” I burst into laughter, unable to contain my amusement, and a stream of thoughts raced through my mind. Regardless, spying on others in the nearby buildings hadn’t crossed my mind.

“Why?” The curiosity in my tone matched the amusement in my eyes.

She grinned mischievously. “Well, you never know what show one might witness from up here.”

I found her openness refreshing, appreciating the way she effortlessly brought humor into the conversation. Then in a moment of spontaneous, perhaps foolish temptation, I leaned in, lowering my voice to a seductive whisper. “If you ever want to put on a show, I’d play with you.”

A twinge of regret flickered in my mind. I had broken my own rule, attempting to keep this space a haven for her. However, to my surprise, her body didn’t tense. Instead, she giggled and gave my shoulder a playful clap, as if my suggestion had tickled her sense of adventure.

The knock on the door interrupted us, and Auburn looked at me with questions written all over her face. “A surprise.” The corner of my lip twisted into a smile, but I was facing the door before I could give her a hint of satisfaction.

Upon answering the door, I took the bag and walked over to the marble island. I grabbed a couple of my fanciest plates I had for when my parents visited and set them on the counter with two glasses of water.

“Sit?” I asked hesitantly. She looked down at her clothes, and suddenly, I was an asshole. “Shit. You must be freezing. I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I just…I assume you don’t live with a female?”

I shook my head. “I have a pair of sweats I can give you and a shirt. The sweats might be big?—”

“Big?” she questioned. “I’m not a small girl, by any means, but you’re a giant human being. They will actually swallow me.”

I adored how petite she was compared to me, this compact figure that had me bending nearly in half to reach her lips in the elevator, but what captivated me most were her curves. I admired the way her jacket dipped in right under her breasts, and the sway of her hips with each step she took. It was enchanting to watch her move, and, yes, I appreciated the way her tits bounced with each step.

I hurried up the steps to the top floor, grabbing the cleanest pair of gray sweats and a white shirt with a small athletic emblem over the chest. When she went to the bathroom to change, it hit me that this was the first time I’d ever let a girl, aside from my mother, come into the home. Here I was, with a catered dinner, having brought her up here without a second thought.

Fuck, this instant attraction was new to me, but I was oddly obsessed with the idea of keeping her around somehow.

“Don’t laugh,” she said from the shadows of the hallway.

“Don’t make it weird,” I quipped back.

“Hardy-har-har.”

“How bad is it?” I asked her as she came back out into the living room.

Oh, it took every ounce of self-control I had not to burst into laughter. “I look like Olaf melted in the sun and became a puddle of cotton,” she said, giving me a small twirl. The shirt met her knees, and the oversized sweats forced her to hold up the legs in order to take a step.

I couldn’t contain myself any longer. Laughter erupted from me. “Stop, where did you come up with that?”

Her face faltered for a second, then she laughed and mentioned her love for Disney movies.

The room fell into a quiet stillness, and just as the silence lingered a bit too long, she asked, “Is it awkward if I just take off these pants? I can barely walk, and I think the shirt is long enough.”

From the kitchen, I looked up at her, attempting to keep my eagerness in check. Unfortunately, I responded too quickly, blurting out, “Yes, of course, yes, yes, okay.” My own enthusiasm took me by surprise.

Play. It. Cool.

“Fuck, that came out wrong.” I offered her a forgiving smile as she slipped out of the gray sweats and threw them onto the couch.

“It’s fine. I’m the one half naked in your house.”

“Anytime, Sunshine.” I gave her a wink, and she shook her head. “I can put them in the dryer so they’re all good when you leave.” Not that I wanted her to leave.

“Oh, yes, please.” She handed me her clothes, and I got them sorted before coming back into the kitchen.

“Sit.” I pulled out a barstool for her.

“What is this?”

“Sushi. Replacement for your water-drenched one.”

“How did it get here so fast?” I pulled out the chair next to her.

“Oh.” I was embarrassed I had a catering company on my phone. It made me seem like such a stuffy asshole.

“Oh, wait,” she exclaimed, taking a swing of her beer. “The catering here?”

I’d forgotten she knew someone who lived here, so she likely knew about the amenities the building had to offer. “Yeah.” I pulled out the seat next to her and sat down, then used the chopsticks to drop a California roll into the soy sauce I’d poured in the other side of the plastic container.

“Are you planning to leave your wasabi in the box?” Auburn pivoted on the spinning stool to meet my gaze, and the way she looked in my oversized T-shirt stole my breath. It rode up her thighs as she crossed her legs, revealing more skin than I imagined she’d allow.

“This green stuff?” I asked, picking up the little blob of green mush.

Auburn chuckled, her eyes dancing with mischief, as she continued pressing the joke. “Come on, every good sushi eater knows wasabi should be mixed in with the soy sauce. It’s the secret to a perfect bite.”

“Isn’t it spicy?” I asked. Listen, I was a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. This sushi shit was new for me, but I was trying to look like I was somewhat sophisticated.

“Yeah, but it’s like a sushi ritual.”

I laughed along, surrendering to her playful banter. “Alright, alright, I’ll remember that for next time.”

I admired the way Auburn looked when she ate. Her eyes lit up with delight, and there was a gracefulness in the way she handled the chopsticks. The T-shirt added a touch of casual charm to the scene, but it couldn’t hide the beauty that radiated from her, especially when she was savoring each bite with such evident pleasure. Her moans made me think of how she’d sound in bed. When I started to get hard, I took a deep breath, turning the stool slightly away so she wouldn’t see my boner.

“Tell me about yourself,” I said.

“I hate this question,” she retorted with a mouthful of sushi.

“Oh?”

“Like, exactly how deep into my traumatic past do you want to go, or is this like a keep it light and talk about your favorite color kind of question…?”

I couldn’t help but smile at her. “It’s wherever you want to go, Sunshine.” She swiveled quickly back to me.

“No.” She put her chopsticks down. “You tell me about you first. It seems fair if you’re asking such an open-ended question. Wait…Sunshine?”

I gave her a little smirk. “I guess I can answer both questions in one, then.”

Her eyes followed my hand as I brushed away a curl that had fallen in her face, and my fingers caressed her cheek. It was such a small gesture—a hint of what her touch could feel like again against my skin.

“I’m grumpy,” I stated, and she shook her head, waiting for me to say more.

After a moment, she filled the room with that laughter I wished I could bottle up and keep in a little box by my bed so I could listen to it whenever I needed to feel such joy.

“What? It’s true,” I retorted, folding my hands across my chest to prove my point.

“I don’t get how that is related to the nickname you’ve decided to call me and how that relates to your tell-me-about-yourself question.”

“What?” I feigned shock. “It doesn’t connect?”

“Stop,” she said, punching me in the arm. “Be serious.”

I sighed. I didn’t want to burden her with all my problems, so I kept it light. “I think my best friend could count on one hand the times he’s seen me smile in happiness. I generally am a grumpy person.”

“You are?”

“Yes.” I laughed. “I don’t know what it is about you, but I think the world brought us together so I’d have some more sunshine in my life. Plus…you remind me of the sun.”

She gave me a slow smirk, and redness painted her cheeks. “I’m grumpy too.”

I was actually shocked. “No.” I couldn’t believe it.

She threw her hands up in the air as if that would further prove her point. “Maybe not a grumpy person, but I work a lot and then take care of different…family members…” The last words came out deliberately. “It makes me exhausted a lot of the time.”

I could understand that. “You’re a caretaker?” I pressed.

“Something of the sort.”

She focused back on her sushi. The conversation was obviously taking a turn she didn’t want to go with.

“But this is supposed to be about me,” I said.

She smiled down at her plate. “Yeah. Come on, big guy, tell me about yourself.”

“Big guy?” I questioned.

“Don’t tell me you don’t notice your hands are the size of small puppies.”

The laughter broke freely, and we clutched our chests as if trying to catch a breath. “I’ll make note you like my hands, Sunshine.”

“Go on,” she encouraged.

“Ah, I was born and raised in a small town in Southern Illinois, the only child to two doting parents…” I inspected her every movement and couldn’t help but notice the small twitch in her eyes as I told her about my family.

“I loved hockey, and after college at a D1 school, I was able to…” Shit, I didn’t want to tell her I was a player. I was trying to avoid that, but talking to her was so easy and freeing. “I got the opportunity to work with the Chicago Ravens, and here I am.”

“What do you do with them?” Goddamn it. I couldn’t tell her the truth, yet.

Try to think.

“I work with the players.” It was a straight lie. I hated that I was lying to her, but I just didn’t want her to get the wrong idea.

“No girlfriend?” Her eyes darted around the space.

“No girlfriend, Sunshine. What about you? Is that why you said no to a date?”

“Ugh.” She sighed and popped off her stool. I didn’t move to get her; I wanted to see what she was going to do. She walked toward the living room, then turned on her heel quickly and walked back to me.

She was pacing. “I just. It’s not that I didn’t—Argh!” She threw her hands up in the air while walking back and forth. I just watched as she tried to unravel whatever it was in her head, and gave her the space she needed physically, and maybe emotionally, to go through what was inside her beautiful mind.

She stopped and inhaled deeply, and I gave her a soft smile of encouragement. “It’s not that I didn’t want to date you, but it’s the…”

“Caretaking?” I guessed.

She nodded furiously. “Yes, exactly.” She stopped, then walked, not paced, toward me. “I want to be able to say yes.”

I searched her eyes for something. A kernel of truth. “I sound crazy, don’t I?”

“No,” I answered, shaking my head. “Not at all.”

It was the truth. She sounded human. Maybe she was wounded, but she was honest, raw, and real.

She wasn’t a puck bunny waiting for me after a game just because I was the captain. She wasn’t like the girls from random blind dates that Alex set me up on, who focused on materialistic things like my apartment or car.

No. She stood in my living room in nothing but my shirt, eating sushi with me while her clothes dried…after she’d rejected me. Maybe it was because I hadn’t told her exactly what I did with the Ravens, but she…fit here.

Holy shit.

The realization struck me, and I had to look away because for once in my life, I could see myself with someone. I wanted to know more about her, who she was, and what she was doing all day.

My house hadn’t ever felt much like a home, but with Auburn in here, it did, and I could get lost in the feeling.