Page 39

39

auburn

20 minutes earlier

The game was going terribly. My mother bothering me about my future and how working at a coffee shop wouldn’t get me anywhere wasn’t helping. During the second period, Ledger seemed on edge, throwing his gloves and fighting for the dumbest reasons. Something was wrong.

Austin was playing an amazing game, but Ledger was fucking destroying it for the team. But what struck me during my mother badgering me about how shitty of a team the Ravens were and how I should’ve done better research before letting Austin join this team, was seeing Ledger in the penalty box looking toward where I should’ve been.

“I don’t understand why they are constantly taking breaks.” The corners of my mother’s lips turned into a frown.

“What?” I asked.

“They’re always jumping into the box again after they get tired of skating for a few minutes. You need to tell Austin to work on his endurance.”

I laughed hysterically.

“What’s so funny?”

“Mom,” I said, laughter still pouring from my lips. “They aren’t taking a break. They’re switching offense and defense as the puck moves around the rink.”

I might not have grasped the details of every play, but I knew the basic hockey terms.

“How am I to know that?” She huffed.

I wasn’t a hockey pro either, but she would know if she had been there more for Austin. I sighed, leaning into the seat as I realized Ledger was looking for me around the rink, which was getting him checked more often.

It was silent until someone came and sat next to us in the seats next to the box. My mother not-so-quietly whispered, “I’ve come out here for one game, daughter. You put me in a suite with strangers and now your son’s team is losing.”

I balked. “How would I know they were going to lose?”

She shrugged. “You should teach him better. He needs more instruction or something, but I can’t believe I am…” She looked at the beer in my hand. “Here.”

I closed my eyes, combating the tears. They were going to fall. I knew it.

“This is what happens when you have a kid so young. You were never around enough for him. I was the one raising him.”

I whipped my head in her direction. “Stop it.” I held up a hand.

“No. I’m serious. Stop fucking talking.” I sighed, making sure she had no opportunity to interject with whatever narcissistic comment was coming next. “I did the best I could. I am so grateful for your help raising him.”

“My help?” My mother was shouting. Behind us, a few of the wives’ heads turned slowly in our direction.

“Please stop screaming.”

“You didn’t need my help when you were running off to parties as a teenager.”

I closed my eyes, knowing the tears were so close to falling. “It was one party.” My voice shook at the end of the sentence.

“Now look at you. Working at a coffee shop. I go to the country club with the wives and they all brag about their children. I have to pretend you don’t exist.”

There it was. A tear fell from my eyes. I quickly looked at the game and realized the other team had scored, which was why the arena was being lit up in cheers and excitement, but all I could think about was how I wished the world would cleave open so I could fall into it.

My mother made me feel worthless, like I was nothing to her. Yet, I stayed rooted in my seat, enduring her constant insults. I couldn’t move—I was so buried in this darkness that I actually started to believe everything she said.

“Their daughters and sons are all happily married. You will never get married because you already have a child. No one will want someone who is damaged goods. People don’t shop at an outlet; they want retail.”

“Mom.” The clock was ticking down, and there were few minutes left of the period until there was a long break. I needed to find the strength to get out of here.

My mother kept throwing insults at me, but all I could focus on was how Ledger had given me glass seats. I never went down there. Ledger was distracted, his eyes constantly drifting toward the area where the glass seats were. As much as I wanted him to know I hadn’t just run away, I was suffocating. I couldn’t keep listening to these insults, especially as my mother was drawing attention from the other wives and family members in the suite.

“You will find no one,” my mom said once again.

She was right. The one person I thought I could be with was out there skating on the ice below me with my son. I closed my eyes, the sadness hitting me hard. I could never be with him. The scars I had buried deep inside were too much for anyone to love me through. I carried too much baggage. It was easier to walk away while we could still promise to remain just friends, rather than get too involved. My heart was already heading down a path of no return.

Nova stood at the door, and when her eyes locked with my tearful ones, I needed to leave. She was getting distracted by some of the other wives asking her questions, and I couldn’t sit here and listen to my mom’s insults anymore.

I couldn’t sit here any longer. My mother was right—I would always be unlovable. I was broken, and no one would ever want to put my pieces back together, so why try? Especially when it could ruin my son’s first job. My phone buzzed with a message from Ledger.

Is everything okay? I don’t see you. Coach is about to yell at us. Are you okay?

He must’ve put his number in my phone this morning before he left, because I didn’t remember exchanging them. I read it again to make sure I was reading it right. Between my mother raining insults upon me and Ledger’s concern, my emotions were spiraling.

There was no room to pace and the anxiety was creeping deep into my chest. I needed to get out of here. I was being suffocated by my own thoughts.

You will find no one.

You are nothing.

You are a terrible mother.

You’re an embarrassment.

Nova was getting closer, and if she tried to pull me aside to talk, I would break down. I needed to get out before my panic took over, swallowing me whole.

“I need to go,” I managed to say without sobbing. My mother was right. She was always right, and I was no one. I didn’t deserve Ledger, and I certainly couldn’t be the person to break the team apart. I couldn’t…anymore.

I grabbed my empty beer from the cup holder as I got up. My mother’s jaw dropped as she stared at my unexpected demand. “What?”

“I have to go somewhere. I need to leave you. I can meet you after the game if you want, but I have somewhere else I need to be.” The lie rolled off my tongue. I needed to get out of here, and my mother was going out with her friends tonight.

My mom’s eyes narrowed as I made my way back up the aisle, into the suite, and down to where I belonged—far away from the ice.

“Of course you’re leaving your son. You always go.”

I paused, little kids were piling onto the ice and the mascot was busy with fans still sitting in their seats. “I have to be…somewhere else.” I hiccupped, feeling the sobs coming. I was being selfish in my decision to leave Austin, but I’d see him later after the game.

“I’ve come out here for only one game, daughter.”

Turning to face my mother, I sensed her disapproval lingering in the air like a heavy fog. Her words cut through me like a knife, questioning my actions and motives.

“Mother,” I began, my voice steady despite the storm of emotions swirling inside me. “I have to be somewhere…it’s an emergency. You’re more than welcome to stay.”

I hurried down the stairs toward the exit, my eyes locked on the door. It was right there, within reach. I was so close to leaving the suite when I ran right into Nova. “Oh, hey, Auburn, Coach wanted?—”

“Sorry, can’t talk.” I could barely speak, the oxygen leaving my lungs, so I gave her a soft smile as I ran toward the door. I just needed to get out before my self-doubt swallowed me whole. As soon as I pushed the door open from the suite, I raced out of the arena, not caring I looked like a fool running about a packed stadium, but I needed to go outside.

I pushed the door open and the second the cool, night air hit my face, I broke down. The tears fell freely.

Despite the undeniable chemistry, I couldn’t shake the fear of the consequences if what happened last night between us were to come to light. The thought of tarnishing the team’s hard-earned unity filled me with a profound sense of guilt. These players weren’t colleagues, they were a family, bound by their shared passion for the game. They were a part of my family too, because of Austin. I couldn’t bear the thought of being the one to fracture that bond, to sow discord where there was once harmony.

Exposing whatever it was that happened between Ledger and I would unleash a tidal wave of chaos, engulfing not only us but an entire team in the fire. I had worked tirelessly to build a stable and fulfilling life for myself and Austin, and I couldn’t bear the thought of jeopardizing everything I had fought so hard to achieve. The prospect of becoming the architect of my own downfall loomed large in my mind, casting a shadow over any fleeting moments of happiness I’d found with Ledger.

Looking back at the stadium, my heart told me that things would never be the way they were last night. I wanted so much to be with Ledger but knew I couldn’t be. My scars were too deep, too painful, and too dark for anyone to ever love me.