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auburn

It was like having a newborn all over again. Even though Austin had shared his location with me, I set an alarm to check on him every few hours to ensure he was still in his room.

There was such a weight on my shoulders, and I didn’t want to fuck this up, especially after the phone call I’d gotten from my mother this evening informing me she would be coming to Denver to see his first away game. She was coming because she had another reason to be out here, which wasn’t to see her grandson.

A long time ago, I stopped trying to figure her out and just let it be, because there would be no understanding that woman…ever.

My 3:00 a.m. alarm buzzed, and begrudgingly, I slipped back into my slippers and threw my cardigan over the oversized T-shirt to go to Austin’s room to check on him.

It was too far for me to walk all the way to the elevator bank, and the stairs were the more direct route, which worked well in the middle of the night. It was weird to think I was doing the same thing eighteen years ago with a little baby in the bassinet beside me. My mom would spend all morning yelling at me because the baby kept her up at night. She was the only one financially supporting the baby, and this was just another reason I was such a shit mother.

I developed this plan where I’d wake up before the baby would, soothe him, then fall back asleep with him. He never cried much after that, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the last of my mother’s harsh words.

I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of the memories as I opened the door and made my way to Austin’s room. Just as I was about to step into the hallway, I tripped over a massive…boulder? I tried to reach out, but my arms were wrapped up in my cardigan, causing me to fall straight onto my face on the hotel carpet.

“What in the fuck?” I shouted, hoisting myself to my knees to see what I’d tripped over. It had to be a prank or something.

Then I realized it was a person scrunched up in the doorframe.

“Ledger.” I crawled over to him and shook him. “Are you okay?”

“Huh?” An almost inaudible word slipped from his lips. “What?”

“Do you know where you are?” I got closer to his face to make sure he wasn’t hurt.

“What time is it?” he grumbled.

“Three in the morning.” My voice was soft as I rubbed circles on his back, trying to rouse him to a more awakened state.

“Holy shit.”

“You smell like shit.”

“Booze and piss,” he huffed through a sleepy tone as he sat up.

“Ew…Wait. I thought you didn’t drink before a game?”

“I don’t,” he said while rubbing his eyes. “I fucking needed an escape or some shit and then drank too much.”

“Oh,” I whispered. Was that escape needed from me? “Let’s get you up and into bed, then.”

As I helped him up, although there wasn’t much help on my end, I was just there for stability, he groaned while holding his head. “Fuck. It hurts.”

I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped my throat. “Yeah, that’s what happens when you drink too much. Let me get you into your room. Where is it?”

I looked around the hallway as if that would prompt a clue to pop up. I turned back toward him, feeling the way the hair on his forearm touched mine so gently.

“Wait…” I scowled. “Are you smirking? What’s funny?”

“I’ll show you.” His voice was still gruff, but I loved how raspy and deep it was. He turned, and my hand dropped to my side, then he stopped and reached behind him.

It was a small, simple gesture, and I linked my fingers with his without another thought. He was showing me where his room was, and I was helping him into bed. I needed to get to Austin anyway.

“Come here. You’ll love this.” I expected to walk a few feet to the end of the hall, but we stopped after taking two steps.

“What? Are you still drunk? Why’re we stopping?” He grabbed the key card out of his back pocket.

“This”—he gestured with his head to the door next to mine—“is my room.”

I found it amusing, though ironic, that whoever was in charge of our room assignments decided to play a cruel joke on us by putting our rooms next door, just after we agreed we were better off as friends. This was not fucking happening to me.

“No,” I barked. “You didn’t tell me?”

He threw his hands up in the air as if to say it wasn’t his fault. “You ran inside before I could point it out earlier.”

I shook my head as he pushed the door to his room open. “Take a shower.”

“I’m fucking tired,” he grumbled, and I grabbed his forearm.

“You stink, and you’ll feel better when you wake up if you take one.”

He gave me a tight-lipped smile. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Truthfully, I expected more of a fight from him.

“Yeah. Okay.” He gave me a small smile before he walked into the bathroom and ripped off his shirt.

“What’re you—” I was too stunned as he undid his belt with one hand.

His eyebrow raised. “I’m taking a shower, as you demanded.”

My jaw dropped. His hands released the belt and moved to undo his pants. I should have looked away, but I was frozen. I couldn’t tear my gaze from him. However, I remembered his words on the plane, how he let his insecurities take control. Shaking my head, I turned around even though it pained me to do so.

“You probably had your pick of women at the bar tonight,” I snapped. I wanted to hurt him like he had done to me on the plane. I wanted him to experience the same pain that had torn through me when his jealousy took over. It’d be foolish to deny that the jealousy he felt earlier was mirrored in me.

When he didn’t respond, curiosity got the best of me, and I glanced at him through the mirror in the bathroom. He hung his head low before stepping into the shower without uttering another word.

I recognized that expression all too well, and the air left my lungs as I braced myself for the wave of emotions that would follow. Without another glance, I exited the bathroom and his room, then descended the stairs toward Austin’s room.

* * *

After checking on Austin, who was in bed when I got to his room, I headed upstairs. I paused in front of my neighbor’s door, listening to see if I could hear anything.

Ledger was still fumbling about in the bathroom, mumbling something inaudible. There were two things I could do. The first would be the logical one, which would be to go into my room and fall asleep. The second would be to knock on the door and tell Ledger everything I’d wanted to say over the course of the night.

Everything in my body shifted me toward my door, but my heart was pulling me here. I didn’t know what it was about Ledger. Maybe because he was the only person in my life I’d ever felt safe with. He actually saw me for who I was as a person versus what I could’ve been.

Fuck, maybe it was because my mom was coming tomorrow, and I wanted another moment to escape what would be a tough day. It was likely all of it combined that had my hand hovering over the door before I knocked.

Ledger stalled inside before shuffling over to the door and opening it.

He stood there with no shirt on and a pair of gray sweats. His hair was tousled from the shower, and he had that same shit-eating grin I loved donning his face. He was so fucking handsome it hurt.

“I—”

“You don’t?—”

We spoke at the same time, but he stopped, smiling, encouraging me to continue. “You don’t have to tell me anything. I think we both may have let some weird jealousy we have over each other win, and I’m sorry for leaving abruptly.”

He paused, his smile dropping. “Why did you leave?”

“It was silly.” I shook my head.

“No. It’s not. Tell me why.” It felt a little absurd doing it in the hallway. I fiddled with my fingers, picking at my fingernails.

“Don’t do that.” I furrowed my brows at him. “You told me on the plane you got them done to match the team colors, so don’t mess them up.”

Oh. I didn’t realize he was paying that much attention when I was trying to calm down. “Stop.”

“What now?” I snapped.

“Fuck,” he whispered. “I’m fucking everything up. Come inside.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

When I got inside, I wasn’t sure where I was supposed to stand, and I was so distracted by Ledger’s abs and half-naked body that I stood in the entryway staring at him.

“If you keep staring at me like that, Sunshine, this room might just become too hot for me,” he stated, snapping me out of my daze. His words softened. “You might melt my icy heart.”

The chair in the corner was a modest piece, its wooden frame showing signs of wear and tear, while the fabric bore the faint marks of previous occupants. I settled into it, trying to focus on the room’s decor rather than the man who occupied the space.

The room itself was typical of its kind, with neutral tones dominating the walls and furnishings. Soft lamp lighting cast a warm glow across the space, lending a cozy ambiance to the room. It was the identical twin to mine. I shifted in the seat, my eyes darting around the room. Anything to avoid the magnetic pull of Ledger’s presence.

Ledger made himself at home on the corner of the bed, his posture relaxed and casual. His gray sweats clung to his thick thighs, the fabric stretched taut over his muscular frame. Despite my best efforts, my gaze involuntarily flickered in his direction, drawn to the sight of him.

“I didn’t do anything at the bar, you know.” His voice broke the silence, pulling me out of my reverie. My cheeks warmed at the unexpected confession.

“Just danced momentarily with someone. She walked me back here because I was too drunk to get here on my own, but my mind was elsewhere.” His gaze met mine with an intensity that sent shivers down my spine.

“Oh yeah?” I couldn’t help but bite back.

“But I didn’t invite her here. In fact, that’s why you found me passed out. I’d been debating whether I wanted to wake you up.”

I swallowed hard, unable to tear my eyes away from his. His words hung in the air, heavy with unspoken tension, as I grappled with the palpable energy between us.

“Wait.” He cocked his head to the side. “Why were you out and awake at three in the morning, anyway?”

“Oh. I was checking on Austin.”

“Coach has you waking up to check on him?”

“No. I don’t want him to get in trouble with everyone, so I’m going down to his room every few hours. I figured when I came back up I’d be up in a few hours, anyway.”

“No.” He huffed out a laugh. “Absolutely not. Isn’t Hart eighteen?”

I nodded. “Yeah?”

He cracked his neck, then leaned toward me and pulled the chair, with me in it, closer to him.

“I say this with the utmost respect, but he’s in bed, Sunshine. He isn’t going anywhere, and I don’t think it’s necessary to go check on him in a few hours.”

He was right; I was being overprotective. But he didn’t understand that life had forced me into this role, and I didn’t know how to be any different. I stayed silent, looking down as I crossed my legs, propped myself up on the chair, and wrapped my arms around my waist.

“Don’t do that.” Ledger grabbed the arms of the chair again and pulled it as close to the bed as it could get.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Close yourself off.” I stayed quiet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I know you’re a good mom. I know this has to be hard on you to take off work and your own life?—”

“It’s nothing to do with that.”

He ran a hand through his beard. He kept looking at me as if the answer he was searching for would somehow magically appear.

“I’m sorry about the airplane. I was an asshole. Fuck.” He flopped back on the bed.

“It’s not that either,” I whispered. I stared at the carpet and counted the squares in the design.

“It was just, something you said reminded me of what my mom would say to me.” I inhaled. “It’s just…I’m sorry.”

The carpet squares formed a complex tapestry of intertwining patterns, their hues merging and entwining effortlessly. Each square transitioned into the next, weaving together to create a captivating display of shapes and lines that adorned the floor in a graceful and intricate arrangement.

“Auburn.” His voice was low in his throat.

I kept my eyes on the floor and continued to count.

Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen.

The look on my mother’s face when she had accompanied me to the doctor was seared into my memory, thinking my swollen stomach was just bloating, only to hear the doctor reveal I was already twenty-three weeks pregnant. The disgust in her eyes as she had branded me a whore for actions I never sought nor deserved was something I’d never forget.

Eighteen, nineteen, twenty.

When I had informed my mother about enrolling Austin in hockey lessons at the rink where I was working, her expression spoke volumes. She made it clear I’d be responsible for covering the costs, emphasizing she was already providing us with a place to live. When I finally told her about Austin getting into the NHL, she told me I needed to thank her because it was all her doing.

“Fuck.” I lifted my hand to my face as wetness fell to the carpet; tears were pouring out of me.

When his rough, calloused finger touched my chin, I let him guide my gaze up to meet his.

“Talk to me, Sunshine.”

“No.” I didn’t want to talk; I just wanted to escape. I didn’t want to be here or think about her. I wanted to feel like Auburn—whoever she was. I wanted to feel the way he’d made me feel once before: powerful and in control as he towered over me, knowing I held the reins of his restraint. That was the feeling I wanted to recreate.

He shook his head a few times. “I don’t know what to say. I suck in these types of situations.” My breaths were shallow. “Tell me the girl at the bar meant nothing.”

He nodded vigorously. “Absolutely. She was a stupid fucking drunken mistake?—”

“Are you sober now?” I asked.

He looked up at the ceiling as if he was trying to figure out exactly how sober he was. “Kinda?”

“Did you think of me?” I asked, uncrossing my legs and scooting toward the edge of the chair.

“Did I think of you…?” I was so fucking bad at flirting, but liquid was pooling between my thighs, and I needed an escape.

“Ledger…” His hands ran through his beard.

“Did I think of you when I was coming up here?”

My lips twisted into a smile, and I winked. “No, Ledger. Did you think of me when you were flirting or whatever the fuck it was?”

“Oh my God. No. Auburn?—”

I groaned. “Ledger. I’m trying to hit on you.”

Silence enveloped the room. It was embarrassing as shit, so I was figuring how quickly I could get to my room.

“Oh.” That was all he said. He leaned toward me, and I matched his gesture so the tips of our noses were practically touching.

“Is this okay? If I kiss you, since you were just crying? Am I supposed to like, fix this first and be the gentleman right now?”

We stayed silent, then I burst out into laughter, throwing my head back, kicking my legs up, and clutching my stomach.

“Are you finished? You’re making me embarrassed,” he grumbled, but I sensed a hint of amusement in his tone.

I leaned toward him, and his hands caught my waist, pulling me closer until I straddled him.

“Kiss me,” I demanded.

His lips were on mine immediately.

Yes. This was the escape I was desperate for.

The kiss was fierce and unrelenting. Our lips met with a craving, each movement filled with passion and intensity. It was as if all the tension that had built up between us was released.

His hands roamed my back, pulling me closer, while mine tangled in his black hair, unwilling to let go. There was a desperation in the way we kissed, as if we were trying to lose ourselves in each other and forget everything else that existed beyond that room.

It wasn’t just a kiss between two starving people. No. It was a journey into the depths of vulnerability, where walls fell away and our souls entwined, revealing the profound beauty of shared intimacy. It was exactly what I needed and imagined. I wanted to feel warm and safe, and in Ledger’s arms, I was.

Heat radiated from his body, igniting a fire within me that I couldn’t extinguish. Every touch and caress had me writhing for more. It was a kiss filled with longing, with the unspoken words and emotions we had kept bottled up.

“I need more,” I whined, grinding against his lap and pulling his hair gently so he was forced to look up at me.

I needed so much more than just tonight.