Page 92 of Up In Smoke
He shakes his head. “Everything’s fine, Lieutenant. I just noticed you’ve been quiet the last couple of shifts and wanted to check in. I know finding those overdose victims rattled you a few days ago.”
I sigh and nod, not bothering to deny it. My team deserves better than that. It’s generally frowned upon to follow up on the people we bring in, but there’s an unspoken rule that once in a while everyone needs a little extra closure. Dr. Kidd over at San Clemente General owes me a favor and was kind enough to look into the three DOAs we brought in from that office fire.
It’s a small mercy, but the M.E. ruled that the heroin had killed them before the fire broke out. It’s still a shitty situation that gets me in my feels. But at least the team knows there wasn’t anything we could have done to save them.
“Yeah,” I tell Anton. “I’ve had a few things on my mind recently. That call really got me. I guess I’m just processing.”
He nods and slaps my knee. “If you ever want to talk, you know we’re here.” He goes to stand up, but I’m suddenly struck by a thought.
“Actually,” I say. He pauses and raises his eyebrows at me. “There is something I’ve been chewing over. I understand if you’d rather not talk about it, though.”
“Ask and we’ll find out,” he says, clasping his hands between his knees and giving me his full attention.
I appreciate him not blindly agreeing to help. This might be too close to home for him, and I’d hate it if he felt obliged to drag up his past if it makes him uncomfortable.
“I had a…tense conversation with my parents yesterday,” I begin explaining. “We’ve never really had a good rapport and we’re not close. But they were very disrespectful about Jesse and our relationship, and I eventually hung up. I know they’re my parents and I shouldn’t give up on them, but I’m not sure how much I’m going to feel like talking to them unless they change their tune. I guess I just wanted to talk to someone who might understand what that feels like, but only if you’d feel able.”
Anton sighs and rubs his chin. “I appreciate your thoughtfulness, Lieutenant. Some people couldn’t imagine cutting ties with their parents, and I love that for them. Those people would probably tell you to make nice and try and win your folks over. But toxic is toxic and just because they gave birth to you or raised you doesn’t give them the right to abuse you. So maybe this is a storm in a teacup, and they’ll realize they were dicks to you and apologize. But if they aren’t going to respect the man you love, do you really want to subject yourself or him to that?”
I shake my head. “I’d love it if they wanted to make amends. But I feel like emotionally they walked away from me a long time ago.” The squad doesn’t know the details about my sister’s death. Only Captain Valentine does and whoever elsehas clearance to read my psych evaluation. But luckily, Anton doesn’t pry any further into the specifics.
“It sounds like you know what you want,” he says to me. “If you need someone to give you permission, then I’ll happily do that for you.”
I chuckle ruefully. “I think I just want someone to agree that it’s kind of shitty and I’m okay to be sad for a while.”
“Oh,” he scoffs and nods. “I can also do that with bells on. You know, most days I just get on with life. I love my family so much. Rebecca is more remarkable to me every day. I got so lucky with Meagan, and Brent is like the brother I never had. And I guess you guys don’t suck.”
I give him the finger and he laughs.
“But then one day,” he continues, “something will remind me of my parents, and it’ll take me out like a truck. Or my mom will post something to me or Becca even though she knows she’s not supposed to. They act like they just want what’s best for me and her, but since that involves torturing me with conversion therapy?—”
“Yeah, no, they can fuck right off,” I growl.
He smiles and leans over to briefly squeeze my knee. “I doubt they’ll ever change,” he muses sadly. “Especially my mom. She’s fanatical. Rebecca’s school knows the whole situation, but it wakes me up some nights thinking what if they forcibly try and take custody of her? That doesn’t mean that I don’t grieve their loss, though. It helps to remind myself that I don’t actually miss them, because they put me through hell. What I miss is the idea of a relationship we never had but I worked so hard toward anyway. I mourn the fantasy of them that never existed.”
I nod, rolling his words over in my mind. “That makes a lot of sense,” I say. Is that what I’ve been chasing after since I was a teenager? The parents I so desperately wanted and needed, but never had? I rub my chest. “Urgh, why is life so hard?”
He laughs. “I know, right? This is why humans need to go on vacation regularly. Just stop and look at sunsets and pretty shit like that. Speaking of which, are you and Jesse thinking about a honeymoon? Maybe that’s what you need.”
To be honest, it hadn’t even occurred to me to book something like that. But seeing as Jesse’s recovery is going so well, perhaps we could consider it later this year.
I open my mouth to say as much when the tones sound and we both groan. “Thanks for the pep talk,” I say instead as we jump to our feet and run toward the rigs.
But then I catch the address and stumble to a halt, grabbing the wall to steady myself as my vision starts to white out.
“Lieutenant?” Anton cries in alarm.
I force my feet to start running again. “That’s my address.”
“What?” he cries, just as we enter the main garage area of the station. The lights are flashing as everyone runs to step into their turnouts.
“That’s my fuckingaddress,”I yell, sprinting toward my gear.Shit, shit, shit!
Jesse.
Are Jesse and Klaus okay? Was it him that called 911? Is he already asleep?
I stumble as my breath catches. What if he’s asleep and has no idea?