Page 23 of Up In Smoke

My stomach drops. “Julian, are you okay?”

He shakes his head and manages a feeble smile. “Me? Yeah. My pops, though…” He licks his lips and looks away.

“I’m so sorry,” I say. “If there’s anything I or the team can do?—”

“It is what it is,” he interrupts with slightly forced cheerfulness, meeting my gaze again. “My point is to seize the day, Lieutenant. So the more incredibly stupid the idea, the more intrigued I am. Hit me with it.”

If I’m honest, I’m still not entirely sure if I’m serious about this or not. But Valentine’s little pep talk has inspired just enough carpe diem in me that I throw caution to the wind.

As well as several other things out of the window, including the rule book and possibly my sanity.

“So…I was thinking of getting married,” I begin.

He blinks once. “Okay. Whatever I was expecting wasn’t that. Go on.”

I do.

CHAPTER 7

Jesse

Rico’s keysjangling in the door wake me, and the first thing I feel before I’m even fully awake is overwhelming relief.

I made it. It wasn’t pretty, but I did it.

“‘Lo?” I croak, rubbing my gritty eyes and sitting up on the sofa where I’m still in yesterday’s clothes, tangled in a sort of blanket nest. There’s a box of half-eaten pizza on the coffee table, open bottles of juice and soda, as well as packets of cookies and candy. Shame washes through me. “I meant to put the pizza in the refrigerator,” I admit sheepishly. “Thought you might want some for breakfast.”

He carefully puts his bag down and sits on the edge of the armchair, looking at me as he presses his palms together. “That’s okay,” he says, sounding like he means it.

I guess a guy like him doesn’t have to make sure he eats every bite of takeout if he dares to waste money on one. I spenthismoney, though, and I really wanted to share the damn thing with him. It was good.

“You slept here?” he asks. I brace for the judgement, but all I feel is his concern.

I nod and pull the blankets around me. “I watched TV until I passed out,” I explain.

My mouth is dry, so I lean over and snag the apple juice, downing a big gulp. It helps wake me up and for a moment, I just watch the television’s screensaver pulsing in front of me. I think I lost consciousness at about four o’clock after pausing the cop show I’d started binging.

Rico takes a breath. “Is everything okay, Jesse? I thought you were going to check in with me more often.”

I shake my head, watching the juice as I swirl it around in the glass. “I didn’t want to bother you. Your job is so important.”

I did text him every couple of hours to tell him I was okay until about midnight. But then things went a little…sideways. I inhale, bracing for what I’m about to say. But promising myself I’d tell him the truth was what got me through my moment of madness, so I need to come clean right away.

“After I ate as much as I could, I got the itch,” I confess, focusing on the juice in my hand so I don’t see the disappointment on his face. “I…Rico, I knew there wasn’t any booze here, so I went hunting for pills. I found a bottle of aspirin in the bathroom and it’s like I couldn’t stop myself. I’m not even sure if I wanted to get high because it’s not like aspirin will do that. More like I just had to be self-destructive. I swallowed so many?—”

“Jesse,” he cries urgently, but I shake my head and plow on. Tears are stinging in my eyes and my chest is tight, but even though my voice is shaking, I need him to hear the rest. It’s important to me that he knows.

“Then it’s like I came out of a trance. I threw myself over the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat, barfing until everything was out.” A little sob escapes but I also manage a small smile. “What a waste of loaded fries and chicken tenders, but at least I had a whole pizza left to fill my stomach again. After I brushed my teeth, of course.”

The truth is, what snapped me out if it was imagining Rico was there with me. Like he’d appeared at the door and been so upset. I couldn’t do that to him, so I did what I could to fix my fuck-up before I did any real damage.

“I’m so sorry,” I mumble thickly.

But then he’s crouched in front of me, forcing me to look at him as he…

He’s smiling.

Huh?