Page 65 of Up In Smoke
“It’s. Not. Worth. It,” I grind out between my teeth, balling up my fists. My throat is thick and my eyes sting. I don’t know how to stop myself from spiraling.
Then I blink and look around me.
When am I going to stop acting like I’m on my own all the time? Like I don’t have anyone to help me and that I shouldn’t be asking them for anything anyway. There are almost a dozen guys here who have been nothing but kind and supportive since I arrived, accepting me like I’m one of them without all that bullshit I saw so much of in LA. They’re not threatened by me joining their group. They’ve welcomed it.
“Um, Riley?” I say, trying not to let doubt make my voice too shaky. “Did you want to go over those couple of eight counts you were unsure about earlier?”
He looks up from his phone and grins, jumping to his feet. “Oh, would you mind? That would be so great! My feet keep trying to do the opposite of what they should be doing.”
“Hey, Jesse,” Yang, one of the other guys calls out, possibly only just realizing I was there. “Make sure you grab one of the protein shakes from the fridge. They’re homemade.”
“Yeah, by your mom!” Abe cries. Yang pings a thong at him. Conversations float all around me as Riley comes eagerly to myside, ready to run the choreo that was tripping him up this afternoon.
And just like that, I’m not so worried about making it through the next hour or two. If I bother getting involved rather than just sitting on the sidelines, it’s easy to see that these guys have more than enough company to go around.
Before I know it, we’re all topping up our body glitter and stretching out our limbs, game faces on. The fear is creeping back in about how I’m going to feel stepping into a room where a lot of people aren’t just drinking, they’re getting drunk. I reach into my bag and briefly clutch my new pink coin, rubbing my thumb over the engravings.
A hand on my shoulder startles me, but when I turn, I realize it’s Trixie, and warm relief washes over me.
“You okay, sugar?” she asks. Her serious tone suggests to me that she’s aware I might be having a moment.
I squeeze the chip one last time before dropping it back in its pocket. “I’m okay,” I say as confidently as I can.
She places her hands on my shoulders, apparently not caring about covering them in body shimmer, and looks up at me. “You deserve more than okay. You deserve to be great. You know that, right? You’re a good boy, Jesse Silverman, and I’m proud as hell to have you here, no matter what goes on out there tonight.”
“Thank you, Trixie,” I say, my voice quivering with emotion.
“Oh, are we doing a group hug?” Riley asks. “Hey, guys! Group hug!”
Within seconds, I’m laughing as several muscly, sparkly dudes throw themselves at us in an enthusiastic, if slightly suffocating, embrace.
“Okay, okay!” Trixie yelps, pushing them off as best she can. “You’ll spoil my dress!”
I’m not sure anything could possibly ruin the neon-pink, skin-tight number she has on. It looks like it eats other colorsfor breakfast. But the guys hop back with a chorus of “Sorry, Mama!” all the same.
“Alrighty.” She claps her hands together as beams at us. “Is it showtime? You ready to go give the people what they want?”
I join in with the cries of “Hell yeah!” and “Let’s do this!” My heart is pounding as we line up to make our entrance for the first group number. I tell myself that I’ll be fine. All I have to think about are the steps and keeping a smile on my face. Nothing to fear.
The music changes and the crowd goes nuts. They must know what’s coming.
“See,” Lucas says in my ear. “They’re excited to meet you.”
I laugh, knowing it’s for all of us. But his little joke helps buoy my spirits. No one is going to throw rotten cabbages at me. They’re here for a good time, and that’s what we’re going to give them.
With one last deep breath in and out, I smile naturally and run on stage with the rest of the gang.
And the first face I see at a table in the front row is Rico’s.
I almost stumble, but I catch myself just in time. When he wished me luck earlier, it didn’t even cross my mind that he would come along. He looks a little awkward, sitting by himself with a bottle of water. But his face lights up the second he sees me, and my heart just about explodes in my chest.
The choreo starts and my body knows what to do. The next few minutes are a blur as we open tonight’s show. The screaming never stops and neither does the money raining down from all sides. I can’t help but laugh as the number’s over almost as soon as it began.
Rico’s here.
No one’s ever shown up for me like that.
It’s not until later, way later, when I’ve done the other group numbers and my solo without missing a step, when I’m homewith Klaus, wrapped up in Rico’s strong arms trying to fall asleep despite the adrenaline still thrumming through my veins, does it finally occur to me.