Page 61 of Up In Smoke
“We could go get some lunch first,” I say, trying a different tactic.
He sighs and runs his finger against the edge of the cabinet, worrying at his lower lip. “It’s a lot of money for just a silly prop.”
Ah. Of course. I really should have seen this coming.
Rather than shying away from the issue, I crowd up behind Jesse, wrapping my arms around his waist and earning myself a sinful gasp that sends shivers all the way down my spine. Christ, the fact I can do this now is as crazy as it is amazing.
“You know this whole marriage thing has to be believable, right?” I murmur into his ear.
“Uhh…yeah?”
I chuckle. Damn, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this with anyone else in my life before. I don’t tease or do PDA or flirt outrageously. But I guess now I do.
With Jesse.
“Do you really think I’d buy my husband—my man, the love of my life—some cheap piece of crap? We have to sell it, remember?”
Because it’s obvious that Jesse doesn’t think he deserves anyone splashing out on jewelry for. I can’t bear that thought. In fact, I’m going to spend even more money on him now, just to spite all those assholes who made him feel like he wasn’t worth it. Or worse, the ones who threw money and gifts at him then left him for dead when he really needed them the most.
I seem to have broken Jesse a little, but hopefully in a good way. He’s emitting a low, rasping croak as he stares into the middle distance. I press our temples together and rub his arm, hopefully comforting him and showing that I’m doing this because Iwantto. Sure, it’ll help sell our story to the insurance company. But Jesse also deserves a present simply because.
“If there’s nothing you love here, then we’ll try another store,” I tell him, feeling a wild and strange kind of boldness run through me. “And we’ll keep trying until we find something perfect, okay?”
Bossing people at work comes naturally to me because I’m extremely confident that what I know will keep people safe. Perhaps this is similar? I know Jesse won’t allow himself to be spoiled unless I order him to. There’s a level of trust between us that feels more intimate than any of the sex we haven’t had yet.
That’s a whole different train of thought. I slap the lid on that box for the time being because this is absolutely more important than any hormone driven orgasm exchange. But…damn. Making out with him last night was electric. How can simply kissing be so erotic? All I know is that when—if—no,whenwe take things further, it’s going to be epic.
People have taken advantage of Jesse his whole life. There’s always been a power imbalance, or at least that’s what I’ve put together myself from what I know. Right now, my gut is telling me that as much as he doesn’t need anyone cornering him into situations he’s unhappy with, I’m certain he also needs an element of being given permission to be pampered. Taken care of.
Loved.
I think I know what kind of love I might be leaning toward now, and it’s not brotherly. But that’s another big thought for later down the line. Today, my job is simple.
Make sure I get Jesse something to show that he’s cherished. That he’s worthy of nice things.
The selection of men’s rings isn’t as diverse as the women’s, but there are still plenty here that go big enough to fit our fingers. And if Jesse likes something that only extends to a certain size, I can always arrange to get it altered.
Although, I’m pretty set on buying us both something we can walk out of here with today. Not just because Angelica Carson could show up at any moment. There’s a sense of urgency in me now that we’ve been open about our feelings and committed to a different kind of relationship. I’m afraid that despite what hesaid, Jesse could easily let his gremlins get the better of him and he’ll convince himself that I don’t really care for him the way he does for me.
I still can’t believe that he’s had a thing for me since we were teenagers. I never saw him like that, which makes sense as I was older. He was always a kid to me. One I took particular interest in, but a kid all the same.
He’s definitely a man now. My man.
It’s funny how I’ve put myself off dating for so long since my last relationship imploded because I was worried about letting anyone in. Or—if they did get too close—that I’d sabotage it like always. But I don’t feel like that with Jesse. We’re already so close and I only want that bond to deepen. Having spent these past months fretting that I was crossing a line with my attraction to him, now we’ve flown past that invisible barrier, I’m so excited to discover more. Be more. Have more.
I think the fear that Jesse might inadvertently try and sabotage us being together out of a deep-rooted low self-esteem has put into sharp relief for me that I definitely don’t want to be the one to fuck this up. With my previous boyfriends, I’ve been wary of them becoming my responsibility after the devastation of what happened with my sister. That’s a role I happily want with Jesse. The urge to protect him isn’t a duty. It’s a desire. I want to support him and see him thrive.
That starts with buying him this ring.
“We don’t have to match,” I remind him. “Go on. Don’t worry about the price. Just take another look and see if any of them make you happy.”
He peeks at me over his shoulder with a bashful smile. “Um, okay.”
I keep my reaction muted, smiling back at him and giving his sides a little squeeze. But inside my chest, fireworks are going off like it’s New Year’s Eve. That feels like a huge victory, evenif he doesn’t end up getting anything today. I don’t want to buy something for the sake of it, after all.
But hearing him agree to try looking seriously at the options makes me feel like he’s listening to all these messages I’m sending his way. If I could make him a neon sign that read ‘YOU DESERVE THIS AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU,’ I would. Hopefully, our little shopping trip will at least start conveying that sentiment for the time being.
If all goes to plan, this ring is going to live on his hand for the foreseeable future, and maybe even longer than that. Whenever he looks at it, I want him to think of me, and I want that to make him happy.