Page 5 of Up In Smoke

He jabs my shoulder with his fingers.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out what’s coming. I duck and try and zip past, thinking I might be able to outrun them. But they’re twice as big as me and it’s two against one.

I’m down on the ground before I know it, folding in on myself as I attempt to at least protect my head.

Who knows how long they whale on me for. It feels like an age but it’s probably only a minute or so before they get bored of kicking, punching, spitting and cursing.

“Come on,” one of the guys says above me. “He ain’t worth it.”

“Serves you right!” Cougar shrieks.

As I gasp for breath and blink my eyes open, I’m vaguely aware of them getting in their car and driving off.

It’s over.

I give myself some time to just lie on the ground and take stock of my injuries. Everything hurts. A couple of ribs are definitely cracked if not broken, and I’m going to be black and blue come morning, but at least I’m still alive.

I can’t tell if I’m relieved or disappointed.

Another several minutes pass before I can muster the strength to get back up on my feet and pick up my bag.

That’s when I realize my wallet is missing.

Oh. I think I was wrong earlier.

Thismight actually be the last straw.

There’s nothing that can stop the sob that racks my chest in that moment, the pain from my ribs barely registering through my despair. Hot tears spill down my face as I howl at the moon like a wolf. I was a fucking idiot to think my shitty life couldn’t get any shittier.

I’ve got nothing. No money for rent or food or anything strong enough to make this aching pain go away. Just whatever I already have in my apartment, which I already know isn’t much.

Eventually, I’m too exhausted to cry any longer.

Not wanting to spend the night in this dirty alleyway, I finally manage to make my feet move once more and shuffle my way like a zombie to the bus stop. After all the DUIs I’ve had, I haven’t owned a car for a long time. But damn it, right now I’d give anything to just drive myself home.

I wouldn’t have had the funds for an Uber even before those assholes robbed me, so I simply slouch down on the bench and wait for my chariot to ferry me home. Mercifully, I still have my phone and a couple of dollars left to my name. The screen might be cracked, but at least I can use that to pay my fare.

Once I’m aboard, I feel people looking my way on the bus. But nobody talks to me, and that’s probably better for everyone involved. I imagine there’s a cartoon storm cloud over my head, warning people to stay away from such a fucked-up loser. By the time I reach my stop, the clouds are pitch black in my mind’s eye, the rain is torrential, and the thunder booms while the lightning flashes.

My own personal hurricane of misery.

It takes me three attempts to get my key in the lock, probably because I’ve been chugging on vodka the whole ride home. But I’m not numb enough, not by a long shot.

There’s nothing to stay awake for. I can’t bear it any longer. I need to get high or black out, whichever’s easiest. Anything to take this pain and shame away.

Nobody gives a shit about me. My life is a mess. I’m broke.

A macabre laugh bubbles out of me as I stand in the middle of my crappy apartment. This is all I have to show from my life that started out so dazzling, so promising. I’ve already pawnedoff anything that was remotely valuable. I’m genuinely not sure what I’m going to do to un-fuck the situation this time.

All I have left to sell is myself. I wouldn’t be the first actor to turn to the world’s oldest profession, nor the last. But I really don’t know if I’m cut out for that.

There are too many big and angry thoughts buzzing around my brain. I need it to be quiet, fast. Dropping my bag to the floor, I keep the vodka bottle and stumble over to my bedroom, yanking open the nightstand drawer. Gratitude washes over me that I stashed some pills at the very back out of sight to keep for a rainy day.

Baby, tonight it’s fucking pouring.

I’m not sure how many I wash down before slumping against the side of my bed, my eyelids drooping. The fight is rapidly blowing out of me and another sob rips from my chest.

I’m so alone.