Page 58 of Up In Smoke
And it’samazing.
It takes my brain a few seconds to catch up with what’s happening, but as soon as it does, I’m not just kissing him back. I twist in his arms and wrap my limbs around him like he did to me in his sleep. Honestly, I thought that was enough of a gift from heaven, but the kissing is so much better. So is the way his hard body feels against mine, and the groan that rolls up from his throat that sends shivers down my spine, and the woodsy scent of him that envelopes me.
His lips aren’t gentle against mine and I love it. I know he worries about me constantly, but that’s not what I want from him right now. I’m not his friend’s kid brother that he needs to protect. I’m not the problem he has to fix.
I’m a man and I want his desire. His desperation. His lust and adoration.
For once in my damn life, I want to feel like an equal. And I want to be Rico’s lover, if only for fleeting moment.
But he’s always going to be driven by his responsibility, and even though I’m disappointed, I’m not surprised when he gently pulls back far sooner than I would have liked.
“Jesse,” he says softly, cradling me as he presses our foreheads together. “We shouldn’t…this is…”
“I’m sorry,” I say before he can completely break my heart in two. “We can forget it ever happened.”
“I don’t want that,” he says immediately.
My breath catches, and I slowly lean back so I can look him in the eyes. There’s just enough light in the room that I can see his face in the gloom to try and read his expression. His eyes are searching mine, but it’s like looking at a raging storm. There’s too much going on for me to understand it all.
“Whatdoyou want?” I ask, voice trembling as much as my body is.
“For you to be happy,” he replies without hesitation.
That’s so like him I almost want to scream. “Don’t you get to be happy, too?” I ask.
He licks his lips and caresses the back of my neck. It’s so tender, a sob tries escaping my chest. “Maybe?” he says.
“You make me happy,” I tell him before I can chicken out. “Just in case that wasn’t clear. I…I’ve always liked you, Rico. For years. But these past few months…” I place my hand over his heart, feeling it hammering in his chest. “I never expected anything to happen. But thinking of you, of coming home toyou,was a big part of what kept me going through those early few weeks at the center. It was so hard, and I wanted to give up so many times. You were the first person in forever, though, who made me feel like I could do it. That I was worth the effort.”
“You are, Jesse,” he says, his voice thick with emotion as he holds me tighter to him. “You are worth it and you can do it. I’m so fucking happy you came back into my life. But I’d hate myself if I let my feelings get in the way of what’s best for you.”
I snort and press my temple against his as I chuckle a little longer.
“What’s funny?” he asks warily.
“You.” I grin as I meet his eyes again. “I love that I know you so well now. I bet you’re fretting about taking advantage of me while I’m in a ‘vulnerable state.’ Like I’m not a consenting adult who can make his own decisions.”
He pauses just a little too long. “No?”
I laugh again and trail my fingers up and down his deliciously muscular arm. “It’s okay. The whole reason we got in this mess is because I’ve been pretty notoriously shit at making decisions for a lot of my life. But this isn’t a time I want you to tell me what’s best for me, okay? Don’t…please don’t push me away because you’re afraid I’m not in my right mind. If you want me, Rico, you can have me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
He studies me for a moment, and his throat bobs as he swallows. I want to lick his Adam’s apple, but for once I keep my horny impulses at bay. I care way too much about what he has to say than an orgasm right now.
“How do you feel, then?” he asks, his voice catching.
I’m only human, so I do snicker as the honest answer blurts out before I can stop it. “Um, really turned on. It’s been a very long time since I…you know.”
He laughs ruefully, making me feel like less of a jerk. “Yeah, tell me about it.”
I know it makes me a dick, but I’m kind of glad he hasn’t been running around getting laid by guys that aren’t me. Not recently, anyway. Again, I feel like that puts us on a more equal footing. I’m relieved there isn’t anyone for me to be jealous of since I came back into his life.
“But I’m so turned onbecauseit’s you, Rico,” I say more seriously. “Because I trust you and you make me feel important, not a burden. You’re fun and kind and goofy and brave and I justcan’t believe the universe gave me a second chance to cross your path. I wish I didn’t have to hit rock bottom for that to happen, admittedly. But sometimes bad things happen for a reason.” I bite my lip and emotion tightens my throat.“You’remy reason,” I manage to whisper.
“Oh, Jesse,” he says, hugging me to him, our faces pressed against each other’s necks as we simply cling to one another for a few moments. “I always cared about you,” he says into my hair. “Before, I mean. When we were kids. While you were gone, becoming a star, I worried if you were okay. Then you dropped off the grid, and I wondered where the hell you were. If you were happy. When your brother called me from Switzerland, I didn’t think twice about helping you. But…”
“But?” I prompt nervously.
“I wasn’t prepared for how I’m feeling now.” He runs his hands along my skin and gently presses his lips against the pulse point in my throat, making me tremble all over. “I wasn’t sure I was allowed to want you. It felt taboo to even think it. But you asked if I get to be happy. The answer is that I don’t know. It’s so hard for me to ask for what I need. I prefer helping others.”