Page 84 of Up In Smoke
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” he says, still not looking at me. “I’m sorry.”
That won’t do.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” I nuzzle against him until he finally looks at me with bloodshot eyes. “Oh, Rico,” I croak, hastily reaching for a tissue from the nightstand for him. He’salways so steadfast. I hate seeing him broken like this. “What happened?”
Has he been worrying himself into a state about me? I know Emerson was a dick, but it was more my trauma response that unsettled me rather than any actual threat from him. If Rico’s been imagining some kind of assault all night, I’m going to feel incredibly guilty.
“Don’t want to lose you,” he sobs into my shoulder.
“I’m right here,” I tell him again. There isn’t much I can do but hold him tight and feel bewildered as he cries himself hoarse. But after a few minutes and some more tissues, he mercifully starts to calm down. “I’m not going anywhere, baby,” I say once I feel like he’s listening to me again. “Is this about my bullshit? Or did something happen at work?”
“Work,” he admits, rubbing his forehead and taking a couple of deep breaths. “Although I was worried about you, too. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I assure him. After a good night’s sleep hugging the pillow that smells like him, I actually mean it. Klaus refused to leave my side, either, so I’m feeling pretty grounded again. “That guy just triggered a bunch of crap for me, but I think it’s actually good I worked through a few things.”
Rico studies me for a second. “Did you want to…were you tempted…”
I can tell from the way he’s hesitating what he wants to ask. Pride rushes through my whole body. “It didn’t even occur to me to have a drink,” I tell him honestly. “In fact, I’m pretty surehe’dbeen drinking, and I couldn’t get away from him fast enough.”
For a moment, Rico’s eyes go wide. Then he pulls me against him again, carding his fingers through my hair. “That’s amazing, Jesse. I’m sorry I even asked.”
“No, I’m glad you did,” I say. “I don’t have anything to hide. It feels good to not let you down.”
“You’d never let me down,” he growls into my ear, making me shiver. “But if that prick threatened your recovery, I would have had to find his address and…and give him a stern talking to.”
I laugh and hug my husband tighter. Even when he’s imagining defending my honor, he still can’t be a bad person.
“Do you want to talk about what happened at work?” I ask. He’s had bad shifts before that he hasn’t wanted to relive with me. But not one that made him lose it like this.
He leans back so we’re both resting our heads on my pillow. We just gaze at each other for a moment as he plays with my hair. “There was a fire, but some people had potentially OD’d in the basement. They were either already gone, or so out of it they didn’t realize there was an emergency right over their heads. I just couldn’t stop thinking…”
Ah.
“What if that had been me?” I prompt and he nods. “In another life, it probably was. Many times over.”
“No, don’t say that!” he rasps urgently, but I shake my head.
“I’ve talked about this a lot in group therapy,” I tell him. “I want to make sure I understand how lucky I am that this is the path I ended up taking. I’m sure the further into my recovery I get, I won’t dwell on it nearly as much. There’s a risk I could use it in a negative way against myself. Like, if I tell myself I can’t ever be sad or frustrated because my life could be so much worse, you know? That’s not okay. But right now? Yeah. I am fucking grateful I didn’t overdose that day you found me in my apartment or any of a hundred other times. It could have easily happened, and I’ll be eternally grateful it didn’t.” I cup my hand to the side of his face, feeling the bristle from where he hasn’t shaved in a couple of days. “I’ll be forever indebted that for some reason, fate decided I deserved a chance to finally be happy and brought you to me.”
“Oh, Jesse.” He presses our foreheads together and for a while, we just lie like that. I feel a kind of peace settle over us as we breathe in sync, simply touching and resting and being.
“You’re my sanctuary,” I say quietly after a bit. “I hope I can be that for you, too.”
He hums and kisses my lips gently. “You are, baby. I used to come home to an empty apartment with nothing but ghosts and regret for company. Now I walk through that door and my whole world is waiting for me.”
“You mean Klaus, right?” I tease him, because I feel like we’re done being sad. It’s not like either of us are going to forget the darkest moments from our past. But we can’t let them overshadow the present any more than is necessary.
To my delight, Rico barks out a laugh at my silly joke. Then he tickles my sides in retribution until I squirm on top of him and distract him with a heated kiss. He rests his hands on my hips, and I pause for a second while we look at each other.
“You’re my whole world, Jesse,” he says reverently. “You’re my home, my heart. It scared the shit out of me thinking how that could have all been taken away. Or not ever existed at all.”
A thoughtful smile curls at my lips. “I had a revelation last night, as well,” I tell him, trailing my hands down his chest. “It hit me that I’ve never had it so good. There are still plenty of things I want to accomplish and make amends for. But my life is amazing, Rico. I’m not throwing it away and I’d never give it up without a fight now. So I’m afraid that means you’re stuck with me. I’m not going anywhere.”
He surges up and grabs my face, crashing his mouth into mine. The kiss is frantic and searing hot. I’m not sure if it’s in spite of or because of the serious heart to heart we’re having, but my skin feels electrified and my aching cock is hard and throbbing as I rock on top of Rico’s equally engorged length.
The sex so far has been amazing. But I’ve very much taken a back seat, allowing Rico to be in charge and not feeling able to do anything adventurous.
All that’s over now.