Page 56 of Up In Smoke

He blinks at me. “The least you could do?” He laughs faintly. “Rico, to say you’ve gone above and beyond wouldn’t do it justice. You’re like my guardian angel. You…you’re very important to me as well.”

My heart aches with happiness. The situation is ridiculously complicated, but right now, the solution is simple. To keep Jesse safe, I simply have to be his husband. I can do that.

I drop my hand and take his, running my thumb over his fingers. “We’re going to need wedding rings if we’re really going to sell it,” I murmur, the idea making the butterflies in my chest flurry. “We can go shopping tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he agrees softly. “We could maybe put up one or two of the photos the venue took as well.”

I’ve never even looked at those. I know they exist because I got sent a link to a shared folder and downloaded them onto myhard drive in case of a situation exactly like this. But perusing them felt like a step too far in the rouse we were pulling.

However, now they’ll be able to help us, and it sort of feels like I’ve been given permission to take a peek without feeling guilty. Like the way my heart yearns for Jesse isn’t crossing a line.

“That’s a good idea,” I say and nod. “Okay, shall we move your things now? Then we can sort out dinner. I think after all this we deserve a lot of carbs, preferably with cheese on.”

“Amen to that,” Jesse says with a shaky laugh.

It doesn’t take very long to move Jesse’s belongings as he still doesn’t have very many things. But seeing his clothes put away in the closet and drawers beside mine does funny things to my insides again.

I order extra pizza rather than examine the feeling too closely.

We find a movie to watch and talk about this and that. Jesse’s keen to tell me more about his new job and the people he’ll be working with, as well as the benefits he’ll get. I have to agree that it all sounds very encouraging. Part of me is still a little concerned that it seems too good to be true. But I’m determined to think positively rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And then…

And then it’s time for bed. I’m tempted to suggest watching another movie to put it off, but my sensible side knows it’s best not to drag the moment out. This is going to be our new normal for however long now. We’re just going to have to put our big boy pants on and get used to it.

No matter how crazy it’s going to make me.

“Do you, um, want to brush your teeth first?” I offer Jesse.

“Yeah, sure,” he says. “But I can help tidy before?—”

“No, no,” I say a little too quickly. “It’s cool. I’ve got this. You go.”

I need to do something with my hands, otherwise I’m going to freak out and that’s not fair on Jesse. This is to protect him, and I said I’d do anything. Sharing a bed is hardly a terrible punishment.

I’m just afraid of what it’s going to do to my heart, body and soul…but, whatever. What’s the worst that could happen?

Despite occupying myself clearing away plates and pizza boxes, my brain is very eager to answer that.

The worst that could happen is that I might finally have to face how I’m feeling about my best friend’s little brother. That in the dark, by his side, I won’t have anywhere left to hide. If I crack open my chest and honestly look at these emotions, what am I going to find? There are some doors I’ve absolutely forbidden myself from opening because I know if I do, I won’t ever be able to shut them again.

What if I want more from Jesse, and telling him that shatters the trust we’ve built between us because he doesn’t feel the same way?

What if hedoesfeel the same way? Would I be betraying my best friend? Would I be taking advantage of Jesse’s vulnerable position?

I can’t untangle what I want and what’s right.

Better those doors stay shut. I just have to control myself and keep them that way. Then everyone stays safe.

“Bathroom’s all yours.”

I blink from my reverie and realize I’ve only cleaned half of the table. “Oh, right, um…”

“I’ve got it,” Jesse insists softly, wrapping his hands around the plates I’ve got stacked in my grip.

Our fingers are so close to touching.

“Thank you,” I say, hastily letting go. “I’ll just, um, yeah.”