Page 82 of Up In Smoke

“…just didn’t notice them,” Lochlan is saying as I make my way through the cluttered space. He sounds anguished, and as I round a set of filing cabinets, I see Yara squeezing his arm.

“You can’t blame yourself,” she’s telling him firmly. “They were hiding on purpose. I doubt anyone knew they were squatting down here.”

I slow down and take in the scene. Captain Valentine beat me to it and is crouched down by Del as they inspect three people laid together on a filthy mattress. A partition wall like you see between office cubicles has been shoved to the side. From the needles, baggies, and rubber tubing scattered around the disheveled cadavers, it’s obvious we’re looking at heroin overdoses.

My guts drop into my boots. When you’ve been on this job as long as I have, there’s just something that gives away a lifeless body immediately. They have a finality about them. I look around at the basement, stuffed full with years’ worth of accumulated crap. There are scorch marks in several areas of the ceiling as well as water damage from where we’ve been working hard to put out the fire.

“Cause of death?” I ask in trepidation.

Del shakes his head. “I’m not sure. Time of death is hard to tell with the heat from upstairs. They could have all shot up from the same contaminated batch and passed before the fire even started. The fumes from whatever crap is in the wall insulation could have affected them. Or it could just be regular smoke inhalation. We won’t know for sure until we get the autopsy reports from the M.E.

Pain lances through my chest. Smoke inhalation will never not make me think about my sister, but this situation is even more raw for me.

The only thing that separates Jesse from a fate like this is luck.

How many lines of coke has he snorted that could have been laced with fentanyl? How many times has he vomited in his sleep and could have choked to death?

What’s worse, though, is how I know I would have reacted to a scene like this only six months ago.

I would have been sad lives had been lost. But I would have privately been thankful it was ‘only junkies’ and not a family with kids.

Only junkies.

How many people have thought that way about Jesse over the years? How many people have judged him as being less for the circumstances he had little control over?

My beautiful, brilliant, compassionate, creative Jesse. One mistake like this and I never would have known him at all. What’s even crueler to think is that if Adam had told me the news, I would have been devastated for my friend, but deep down…

I would have assumed Jesse brought it on himself.

I can’t breathe.

We’re all still masked up as the blaze isn’t yet subdued, and the insulation is almost certainly hazardous. I paw at my face, stumbling backward toward the staircase.

“Lieutenant?” the captain calls out.

“I need some air,” I manage to utter before turning and running up the steps.

This is insane. I can’t lose my shit like this on a job. I have to get it together for the sake of my team. They are my number one responsibility. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my personal life. My job is to protect the One-Thirteen and ensure that everyone makes it back to the house in one piece.

But I can’t do that if I’m having a panic attack.

I tumble out into the night and rip off my helmet and mask, sucking down deep breaths of cool air. My vision immediately stops spinning so much, so I just rest my hands on my knees and focus on slowing my spiraling thoughts.

Jesse’s fine. I’m fine. The squad is fine. If I go down a rabbit hole of morbid what-ifs, it’s going to take a hell of a lot to climb back out again.

“Rico?”

I straighten with a jolt, finding Julian standing in front of me. He’s got his mask and helmet under his arm and he’s regarding me in concern.

“Sorry, Captain,” I say, shaking my head. “That just got under my skin. I’ll be good in a minute.”

He steers me over to the closest rig and hands me a bottle of water from it. I twist the cap off eagerly and chug half of it in one go.

“The overdoses or the smoke inhalation?” he asks, because of course he knows all about my personal history as well as Jesse’s situation.

“Both,” I admit, wiping the back of my hand over my mouth. “It was all just too close to home. But I’m all right now.”

Julian looks back at the office building where the flames have thankfully mostly died down after us battling them for so long.