Page 63 of Up In Smoke
Jesse holds his left hand near mine so the two rings glint side by side under the overhead lights. “They look like they were made to go together,” he says, then peeks up at me through his lashes again in the way I’m quickly becoming obsessed with. If that’s what he needs to do in order to ask for the things he wants, I’m here for it.
“They do, don’t they?” I agree. We’re talking about the rings, but in the back of my mind I hear a voice telling me that the same can be true for hearts as well.
Dear lord. It’s as if I’ve been given permission to have feelings for Jesse, and I’ve gone from zero to one hundred in the blink of an eye. No one else needs to hear these crazy thoughts, but they kind of scare me as much as they thrill me.
“So,” Lashonda prompts with raised eyebrows. “Are we saying yes?”
I meet Jesse’s gaze. He glances down at the hardware before looking back up and nodding.
“That’s a yes,” I tell our assistant with a grin.
She snaps her fingers. “Hell yeah! Okay, gentlemen. Let’s just get the business of paying over with and I can put the boxes in a bag for you. I assume you’ll want to keep those on now?”
I twist my new ring with my other fingers, marveling that I’m going to keep this on for…well, a long time, I’m sure. I then reach out and touch Jesse’s stoned band, feeling the different texture. He laughs faintly.
“Yeah,” he says. “I think they’re here to stay.”
“Love that for you guys,” Lashonda says with a wink.
We check out in something of a blur. The price isn’t the issue. In fact, it’s far less than I was expecting thanks to the lab-grown diamonds. But it hits me in that moment that people wear wedding rings for a pretty specific purpose. To tell anyone that sees them that the person is married.
By doing this, I’m not going to be able to hide any longer. The One-Thirteen is going to know about Jesse. I’m torn between wanting to show him off and keep him protected in a bubble. Either way, I guess the cat’s going to be out of the bag.
I’m afraid of what that might mean. Jesse’s been trying to keep his footing on uneven ground for so long, I don’t want anything to knock him down again. But I don’t want him to think I’m ashamed of being with him, either. Far from it.
So I guess it’s not just him that I’m going to have to let my walls down with. I’m going to have to trust that my work family are going to look after him the same way they do each other. Letting go of control like that is hard for me. But I’ll do it for Jesse.
It’s becoming more and more obvious that I’ll do anything for him.
CHAPTER 19
Jesse
My ring keeps catchingthe stage lights and distracting me. I can’t believe this is really mine.
Originally, I wasn’t sure if Trixie would be okay with me wearing it. The whole idea of this place is to put on shows that create an illusion of seduction. To most people, wedding rings mean that you’re unavailable.
But when I showed up to rehearsal with my new bling, Trixie and all the guys went nuts over it. I told them the same story Rico told that woman Angelica—that we’d been dating privately but decided to make it official to help me get clean. I tripped over my words at first, embarrassed by the situation. However, when they all acted like it was the most romantic thing ever, I got a little more confident.
Trixie suggested that I could add some gloves to my costumes if it would make me feel better about getting into character and all that, but not to hide it away on her account.
“These gals know you’re probably as gay as Mardi Gras,” she’d said dismissively. “Ring or no ring, they just wanna fantasize about gettin’ down and dirty. I doubt any of them will be lookin’ at your hands too closely, anyhoo.”
The boys geeked out over the lab-grown diamonds, and that’s how they came to suggest I do a mad scientist character for my solo. Abe, the guy with the metal grinder, knows a thing or two about chemistry, and has set me up with some kind of glittery, smoking, colored liquid that I can have in a plastic beaker then tip over my abs to make the crowd go wild. He even made it cherry flavored in case I wanted to drink any.
It’s only been a week or so since I started here, and I still have a lot to prove. Rehearsals are one thing, but I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself for how I’m going to react when there’s a live audience and the booze is free flowing. However, it’s difficult not to think that Trixie was right during my interview.
I feel like I belong here.
None of the boys are like Adam, but they still make it seem like I’ve been absorbed into a brotherly fraternity like it’s no big deal. I’ve tried not to trauma dump on them at all, but I think they still maybe sense how much it means to me to be accepted like that.
“You ready for your big debut?” Lucas asks me where I’m lingering by the side of the stage. If we had a team captain, he’d be it. Out of all the guys, he’s definitely the most switched on. The rest of them are getting ready in our dressing room, which I’ve already learned involves blasting a lot of Destiny’s Child and Britney, last minute manicures, prayers, and the smell of Deep Heat and Axe body spray. I snuck out here before the doors opened to collect my thoughts.
I nod, inhaling and exhaling before giving Lucas a smile. “I’m not worried about the steps,” I say truthfully. It’s so good to be performing again and feeling the sweet ache of pushing my body to dance full out.
I’m worried that I’ll do it perfectly and a room full of people will still laugh and sneer at me for daring to think I could everbe more than just an embarrassment in this life. Extreme, I know. But that’s how Hollywood made me feel for years, not to mention my parents, so it’s not that illogical.
Lucas scoffs, though. “I’d be concerned if you were worried about that. You probably know the choreography better than the rest of us who’ve been doing it for months. I can’t believe you were nervous for your audition. I bet you’re going to put us all to shame tonight.”