Page 19 of Up In Smoke

I don’t even hear the car door open. I’m still hysterical as strong hands slip over my knee and around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug.

“No, go away,” I moan, trying to push him off. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.

“It’s okay, Jay,” Rico murmurs into my ear, squeezing me to him despite the awkward angle. “It’s okay. I promise. I’m here.”

Who am I kidding? I haven’t got any fight left in me. So I give in and let myself be held as I sob.

“Shh, Jay,” Rico says. “You’re all right.”

No, I’m not.

“Jesse,” I gasp, my face mashed up against his neck. I don’t want him to use that fake name I hid behind for so long. If there’s anyone I want to know me even just a fraction, it’s Rico Flores.

Damn, he smells good. He’s so warm and solid that it brings me back to reality just a little, allowing me to keep circling the drain instead of being sucked in just yet.

“Jesse,” he says, sounding relieved.

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out, pulling back and hastily wiping my gross face. “Rico, I’m so fucking sorry. I was going to…I thought…if you want to take me to the police, I’d understand.”

With him there now, my plan doesn’t just seem ridiculous but morally fucking bankrupt. I was really going to screw him over like that when he’s been nothing but kind and patient with me? Fresh sobs wrack my chest, and I try and turn in the seat so I can hide from him. I’m so ashamed.

But he cups the side of my face like he did before, encouraging me to look at him. His expression is kind, and that makes this all so much worse.

“You haven’t committed a crime, have you?”

I blink at him. Surely it’s obvious what I was planning. Even if I didn’t go through with selling his car, I was at least intending to borrow it without asking. “I was going to—” I start spluttering indignantly.

“I think,” he interrupts, “you needed some fresh air after being inside for a couple of days. You needed somewhere to let it all out and you didn’t want to wake me up. So that’s why you came down to sit in my car for a while. But you’re not bothering me, Jesse. You’re not an inconvenience. I’m happy to let you stay with me. Why don’t we get you back upstairs. This will all feel better in the morning.”

For several seconds, I just stare at him. How can he be real? I was fully intending to rip him off, and he’s giving me a way out. Pretending like it never happened, even though we both know it did. Still acting like a big damn hero.

Because that’s what he is. It’swhohe is.

And the last of my resistance washes away as I realize it’s about time I admit that I need saving. I don’t think I could do that with anyone else. But despite the way I’ve treated him, Rico makes me feel like I can trust him.

I want that more than anything. Just because I’ve survived this far on my own doesn’t mean I wouldn’t appreciate someone around to lighten the load. If there’s a person I hope won’t judge or shame me other than my brother, it’s Rico Flores.

If I keep fighting him, I’m going to lose him, too.

Because this right here?Thisis rock bottom.

“Rico,” I gasp, my whole body shaking as I cry what few tears I have left in me. “Rico…I…I need help. Oh, god.I need help.”

I collapse back into his arms, and he holds me like he never plans on letting me go.

“It’s okay, Jesse,” he says urgently. “I’m here. I want to help. I’ll get you whatever you need.”

I shake my head against his shoulder. “Don’t want to be a burden, you’ve already done so much.” I hiccup and clench my fists against his back. “I should…rehab. But no money…no insurance. I need help. I’m so sorry.”

By this point, I’m just babbling, not even sure what I want or what I’m trying to say. But I think deep down I know that the thing I really need is professional help again. Somewhere I can’t be tempted to numb the pain with the first thing I can get my hands on. I’ve tried it before and always relapsed. But if the alternative is taking my own life, maybe this time would be different?

Except I’ve used up all my chances already. My insurance covered the first round of rehab, Mom and Dad paid for the second, and Adam the third.

No one is going to step up for a fourth time. Why would they? That would be stupid. So I have to do this on my own, with no money for therapy or any medication that might actually help me kick this.

I wish I could say I had Rico, but no matter what he says, I can’t put this on him.

Just him being here in this moment has made all the difference, though. This is the second time he’s been my guardian angel and swooped in to the rescue at exactly the right time, snatching me back from the edge of the metaphorical cliff.