Page 49 of Up In Smoke
Nausea chases the chill that just washed through me. “And?” I rasp.
“And I put it down and went straight to an AA meeting in town,” he says, before bursting into tears.
I’m off the sofa before I even know it, dumping my mug on the coffee table so I can kneel in front of Jesse and throw my arms around him. He sobs onto my shoulder while I carefully extract his drink as well, and then he’s clinging to me for dear life.
“I didn’t do it,” he’s whispering over and over. “I promise, Rico. I didn’t do it. It didn’t seem worth it. I didn’t do it. I couldn’t disappoint youorme. I didn’t do it.”
“I’m so proud of you,” I tell him thickly, squeezing him tighter. “You did so good, Jesse.”
The uneasiness I’ve been feeling since my shift ended finally ebbs away. Now I know why he was late and what the weird guilty vibes were about. It all makes sense. I wish I could havebeen there to support him, but it’s almost better that he was able to save himself from making a terrible mistake. And I’m aware I can’t keep him safe in my arms all the time, but damn it feels so right having him here right now.
Until a cold, wet nose shoves its way between us, making us both yelp and let each other go. Klaus looks extremely pleased with himself, though.
“Were you feeling left out, boy?” Jesse asks with a wet laugh. I reach to get him a tissue from the box on the table. By the time I turn back around, Klaus has his large head resting on Jesse’s lap, looking up at him with his big, black eyes. Jesse gently strokes between his ears. “Thank you,” he whispers to his new friend, then he looks at me. “Do you know that in German?”
“Uh, danke,” I say, pulling that from some memory rather than the handbook.
Jesse beams at the dog again. “Danke, Klaus.”
He wags his tail harder.
My heart does that funny thing again, so I clear my throat and pass Jesse the Kleenex so he can blow his nose. Once he’s finished, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a purple coin.
“This is the first meeting I’ve been to outside of rehab,” he says, and I can’t help but blink in surprise. So this is an even bigger deal than I realized, and it was already pretty important.
“Wow,” I utter as he hands me the disk with ‘4 months’ engraved on it. I wish I could think of something more eloquent to say, but my throat is tight and I’m trying to keep my shit together for him.
“I was always so scared of getting judged,” he explains, shaking his head. “Which is kind of stupid because everyone’s there for the same reason.”
“It’s not stupid, it’s human,” I say defensively. I wish he’d stop calling himself dumb and stupid and all the rest. It’s just not true.
He gives a one-armed shrug and lets me hand the precious token back. “It did kind of feel like I’d convinced myself it would be awful as an excuse not to go. But they were so fucking nice, Rico. I’ve got a schedule now of all the meetings around town during the week and I’m going to go every day for a while. They said I’d know when I can ease up, and if not, they’d help me.”
Another sob sounds like it threatens to bubble up, but he takes a deep breath, and I kneel up to hug him again. I don’t need to ask to understand that he’s overwhelmed by the idea that so many people want to be there for him or that anyone would give a damn about him.
“If you ever need a lift, just ask,” I tell him. “Or if you need to borrow the car. We’ll work it out.”
He nods and pulls away, already recovering his composure. “I’m getting to know the bus schedule as well,” he says proudly, and my heart swells. It’s a little thing, but apparently that’s all it takes to impress me when it comes to Jesse. He gives me a shaky grin and looks down at Klaus, who’s still nestled between us. “We’re going to have to find some good walks for this guy, too. I’ll have Redwood Bay memorized before I know it.”
Why does that idea make me feel sick with happiness? How can that be a thing?
Because I know that I shouldn’t want it this badly. My town isn’t going to become Jesse’s home. He’s just here temporarily. The notion he could be comfortable and familiar here with me, though, is another thing I want to wrap up in my arms and lock away in my heart where no one else can threaten it.
Jesse fits in here a bit too well. But it’s all pretend. He’s not actually my husband, no matter what some piece of paper says. I shouldn’t be getting so close to him. He’s my best friend’s little brother and I’m just helping him during a tough time in his life.
Except it’s feeling less and less like that every hour he spends living at my place, putting down roots, getting himself better.
That’s all that matters. His recovery. Any complicated thoughts I have I’m just going to keep to myself, no matter how much it aches. If I bury them deep, even I don’t have to try and work out what they mean.
Because there’s no way I’m falling for Jesse Silverman. I’m simply being protective. This isn’t yearning or desire or attraction. Those things would be a disaster of epic proportions.
The problem is…I’m trained to run toward disasters, not away from them.
CHAPTER 15
Jesse
So technically,it’s not like I’m desperate for money because Rico is looking after me, and my brother through him. But that’s the actual problem. The longer I rely on Rico to give me an allowance, the more awkward I’m feeling.