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My heart clenches in my chest, hating that I have to answer her and knowing it’s going to torture her. “His,” I finally answer.
She nods once, letting me know she acknowledges what I’ve just told her, but she’s silent. A long time passes with neither of us saying anything. My fingers trail up and down her arm, moving to the dip in her waist and back up her body again. Her breathing becomes steadier, deeper and so does mine. Slowly, she gets comfortable alongside me again, resting down in bed, but neither of us sleeping.
“Did you love her?” she asks just as my eyelids feel so heavy I could fall asleep, her fingers gripping onto my shirt but still she doesn’t look at me.
“No. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you,” I tell her and then realize she may not believe me. It’s true, though. I’d never planned on spending my life with someone. I didn’t think it possible for someone who carries the demons that drag me down. But now I can’t see my life without Jules in it. She’s abright light to my darkness. The only hope I’ve ever had is in her hands.
Again, she acknowledges me with only a small nod.
“Can you forgive me?” I ask her quietly, almost too afraid of her answer to even utter the wordforgiveness.
Time passes and I think she may have fallen asleep, but then her shoulders shake with a small sob.
“No,” she says and my chest sinks from her admission but also from the raw pain in her voice. “You didn’t have to murder him.” She adds, nearly choking on her words, “But I believe you.” She sniffles once and it’s then I feel her tears soaking into my shirt. She brushes her cheek against my shirt and settles back down against me.
She believes me, and that’s a start.
She needs me, and she’s clinging to me because she has nowhere else to go.
At least I can hold her for a little while, but even with her so close to me, even with this progress, I feel farther away from her than I’ve ever been.
JULES
It’s absurd to move through life,
When there’s nothing left inside.
When you’re hollow and unfeeling,
When all you know has died.
Numb to touch, numb to move,
And silent with no voice.
But strength comes in the darkest times,
When you no longer have a choice.
Fraud.I keep hearing the word over and over in my head. There’s no way I can do this. No way I can stand in front of a room full of people, this hollow shell of a woman, and smile as if nothing has changed. There’s no way I can laugh and play along with the façade of a happy couple deeply in love.
They’ll see through me; I know they will.
I’ve always been acutely aware of my public persona. My mother used to tell me it was important for the family name. All my life I’ve known how to hide behind a beautiful face and stay polite even when offended. I know just what to say, and how to act.
But right now? This moment? No. I can’t go through with it. I can’t pretend anymore. Pretending’s what got me into this mess.
“You look beautiful.” Mason’s deep baritone voice sends a thrill through my body. His approval always has, and my natural instinct is to cling to him right now. I want to hide behind him. He could make everything all right or at least that’s the way it would feel.
Even more than that, I so desperately care for him despite everything that’s happened, and that’s what’s breaking me.
“Thank you,” I whisper and then clear my throat, turning my gaze back to the entrance of the Regency Auditorium as the limo stops in front of the building, my fingertips haphazardly grazing the crystals on my dress with nerves that won’t be tamed.
I used to live for this. All the gorgeous gowns and flowing champagne, the photographs and mingling. Now instead of desire and excitement and anticipation, all I feel is dread.
I turn back to Mason just as he places his large hand over mine, and in that moment I remember who he is and what he’s done and why everything has changed. I want to pull away. My body and mind are confused. I feel attacked and cornered, but I don’t know who to blame other than myself.
“It’s going to be all right. You’re fine,” Mason tells me. His voice is a soothing balm, but it’s a lie. A sweet, pretty lie meant to calm me down so I can do as I’m told and act appropriately.