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“Please just tell me you love me,” Evan whispers. “I know I fuck up, more than I should. But please don’t stop loving me.”
“I’ve never felt so alone.” It’s one thing to be left alone. It’s quite another to choose it. In this moment, I don’t want it. I don’t want to be alone another day, but I know I have to.
“I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be mad at you,” I tell him, wiping from under my eyes and leaning my body into his. He kisses my forehead before enveloping me in his arms. And I let him. My biggest flaw.
“Then don’t,” he whispers and then pulls away to look down at me, waiting for my eyes to meet his. “Forgive me, please,” he says and when I look to him, his dark hazel eyes beg me. His voice is raw and full of nothing but pain and remorse. “For everything. For being so stupid. For putting you through all this shit.”
The question is right there, right on the tip of my tongue. I should ask, I should know what he’s hiding. But the look in his eyes is so familiar.
“I meant what I said,” I tell him. “I need you to leave.”
“But you still love me?” he asks me even though it comes out as a statement.
My body heats, my breath stutters and the words get caught in my throat, refusing to come out. I’m on the edge of leaving him, of ruining this man I love so much.
“Yes, I still love you. So much,” I admit and the confession is like a weight off my chest, but one that only leaves a gaping, painful hole in its absence.
“I can fix this.”
“I need you to leave, Evan,” I plead with him weakly.
“Just give me time.”
“We’re separated, Evan. That’s what that means.”
“I don’t want this. Please, Kat.” Evan closes his eyes and buries his face in the crook of my neck. I’ve never seen him so weak. So desperate for mercy.
I’ve never wanted to forgive so badly in my life, but it’s not forgiveness that I need. It’s a different life that I need moving forward and I won’t get that with Evan.
“I’m sorry.” My lips move but the words aren’t audible, and I have to say it again.
His fingers dig into me, holding me closer and tighter, as if the moment he loosens them, I’ll leave his grasp forever.
“I’m sorry, but it’s what I want,” I tell him and I’ve never heard such a horrible lie in my life. But he nods his head, pulling away slightly although still refusing to let go.
“It’s what I deserve,” he says beneath his breath. His eyes are glossy and his breathing slower as he looks away from me, still holding on but trying to gather the strength to say something. I don’t trust myself to speak. So I just wait, praying for this moment to be over. Praying for something better to come once this has all left me. But how? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so dead inside.
“One last time. Please, just once more. I love you, Kat. I swear I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. And maybe it’s not enough to keep you, but for tonight?”
Again I don’t trust myself to speak. I’m not sure what words would pass through my lips. But I know what I want and I lean forward to take it, spearing my fingers through his hair and pressing my lips to his. It’s only when I feel the wetness against our lips that I realize I was crying.
I let him hold me, and I try my best to remember every detail.
The way he smells, masculine like fresh pine and dew.
The way his heart beats just a bit faster than mine as I rest my palm against his hard chest.
I try to remember everything. I pray that I will, because even though he said he can make it right, I know he can’t. I know that time will aid in the growing distance between us. I know we’re leading two different lives.
I know I need more, and that I deserve someone who won’t hide things from me and make me feel like I’ve lost myself.
So I need to remember this, because I want it to be the last time.
Not for him, not for us, but for me.
EVAN
Don’t throw me away, don’t tell me you’re through.