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Fixer. That’s what they call this job, but really I’m supposed to prevent anything from breaking. There’s another small huff of a laugh that leaves her, but it’s not the joyous sound I’ve grown to love so much. It’s because of me. I’m the one who broke our marriage.
“I know we grew apart, but we’re still together. Even if you want to pretend like we’re not for a little while,” I tell her. Climbing off the bed, I take a step to go to her, but she shakes her head slightly, crossing her arms and taking a step back.
“It was only one last time, Evan.”
My mouth falls open just slightly for me to tell her last night wasn’t the last time. I won’t let it be. But the words don’t come out. There’s no conviction in that thought.
My eyes close as the phone in my hand buzzes again and I don’t miss how Kat looks at it, a question in her eyes.
“It’s James.” I answer her unspoken question
She chews the inside of her cheek and doesn’t acknowledge me in the least.
“I quit and I’ve just got to sign some paperwork.” The lie slips out so easily. I’m almost ashamed at how easy it’s become to hide the truth from her and disguise it as something normal and relatable.
I don’t know if she can tell I’m lying, or if she just doesn’t care anymore. She leaves me alone with nothing but a small nod in the bedroom we built together.
My blood turns cold and I stare at the open door. The pictures from the hall taunt me. I still hear the laughter. I remember the softness of her skin when they were taken.
The phone goes off again and it pisses me off.
I grit my teeth as I read the messages.
Get here in the next hour.
Out of spite, there’s no fucking way I’ll be at his office by then. I make sure to hit the message so he knows I read it. He can wait.
KAT
It’s supposed to hurt this much. I remind myself of that over and over again.
That’s what a breakup is. It’s pain. It’s removing someone you once loved from your life. Erasing them as if they don’t exist. As if they’ve died. And that’s the most painful thing one can experience.
That’s why it hurts so much. Because I’m supposed to be in agony.
“You look tired,” I hear Jules say before she rests her hand on my shoulder, bringing me back into the moment. Standing in my small kitchen, with its clutter and a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, she’s so out of place here. “Are you all right?” she asks me softly.
Before I can answer, the sounds of Maddie and Sue laughing over something drift into the room. The wine has been flowing, and half of the only remaining box of pizza is left on the counter. It’s what I said I came in here for, another slice, but really I’d just remembered my time with Evan last night and then this morning and I wanted to be alone for a minute.
“You can tell me anything, Kat,” Jules says in a voice drenched with empathy. I’ve always loved the person she is. But never more than now.
“I don’t think I’m all right and I don’t know if I ever will be,” I answer and then arch my neck to stare at the ceiling, keeping my eyes open and trying not to bring this night down any more than I have.
“Is it normal to cry so much?” I ask her. “To be this emotional and this exhausted?”
“When you lose someone you love, yes.” She answers easily and calmly, sending a wave of calm through my body, but even that makes me feel that much more exhausted.
“I wish I was past this stage.”
“It’ll happen before you know it. One day, the reminders won’t hurt so badly. The mention of his name won’t cut you to shreds. One day it’ll feel like it’s supposed to be this way.”
“But I don’t know if it is,” I confess to her and then Sue ambles in from the dining room.
Her wineglass clinks on the counter as she sets it down and then she catches a glimpse of me, her expression morphing to one of sympathy. An expression I learned to hate growing up, but right now, while I’m weak and feeling so lost, it’s an expression that makes me lean into her when she opens her arms.
“You’re all right, babe,” she says softly and wraps her arms around me. Sue’s arms are filled with warmth and she kisses my cheek too. “It’s all right babe, we’re here for you.”
“Aww,” I hear Maddie coo as she makes her way into the room.