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My ponytail swishes along the crook of my neck as I shake my head no. He got the message that we were over after I repeatedly refused his calls. I don’t think he’ll ever reach out to me again.
“Have you called him?” Maddie asks.
“Not yet,” I tell her. “Or, no. No, I haven’t.”Thump,thump,thump, my poor little heart won’t stay where it’s supposed to and I hide in my coffee cup again.
Her voice is hopeful as she scoots forward, the sound of the stool scratching against the floor making an annoying screech. “You should.”
“I don’t know ... I want to. He was …” I trail off as I run my fingers up and down the cup and stare at a lone muffin in front of me. I haven’t eaten since I heard about Mason this morning.
“I think you should,” Maddie says softly.
“I think you should shut your mouth and let things happen as they should,” Sue bites out and Maddie merely gives her a look of defiance.
“She breaks up with him and he falls apart—” Maddie looks like she’s about to go off on Sue, but she doesn’t get much out.
“Stop it,” Sue says. “That’s not her fault.” Sue points at the paper and adds, “This has nothing to do with Jules.”
“You don’t know that.” Maddie’s response is soft as she looks down to her own blueberry muffin and picks at the top of it. “Everyone’s saying he’s heartbroken.”
“Jesus, Maddie!” Sue snaps. “Jules, this is not your fault and you don’t owe him anything. Don’t go back to a man because of guilt.” Her voice cracks and her eyes hold a warning. “Please. If you want to reach out to him, do it for any other reason than feeling guilty or like you owe him.” There’s a tear at my chest, an open wound knowing Sue is speaking from experience.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt him, Maddie.” I can’t respond to Sue right now, my throat feels tight. “I didn’t think he’d care, to be honest …” I don’t know if that’s true. I wasn’t thinking of him when I ended it. I was only thinking of me. Of my anger. “It just happened so fast and it was too much.”
“There’s nothing wrong with fast,” Kat says, surprising the three of us. It’s then that I notice she hasn’t moved past the first page. “Evan and I got engaged in three months.”
Their story was a whirlwind romance. Everyone’s story is different. Maybe this is regret or guilt pushing me toward Mason, but it’s different from what Sue went through. I swear our story has to be different.
My heart begs me to stop, but I have to ask them a question that’s kept me up the last three nights I’ve dreamed of Mason. It’s killing me slowly and carefully, destroying everything I thought I knew. “Isn’t it wrong to fall for someoneelseso quickly after Jace?”
“No,” Kat says and shakes her head. “It’s wrong to throw something away because you’re afraid of it, though.” Her voice is full of regret, but it didn’t stop her from telling me exactly what she thinks.
“You guys are giving me whiplash.” I swallow thickly and brush the loose locks out of my face, resting my elbows on the table and burying my face in my hands. “I shouldn’t be with him, I should be with him. I hurt him by breaking up with him, but I shouldn’t be with him if I feel regret. I don’t know what to think!” I say, my voice raw and the words tearing their way up my throat.
“What do you want, Jules?” Sue asks me, not missing a beat although my other two friends only stare at me with questions and guilt of their own. “Love isn’t about thinking, it’s only about what you feel.” Of all the women in this group, I’m not sure I should take her advice on love, but she says it with such conviction that I believe it. And I trust her.
“I feel like I’ve been sad for too long,” I say. “I feel like I deserve to be punished for moving on. I feel like I miss Mason. Like really miss him. And I know I hurt him.” I brush my fingers under my eyes and suck in a breath to keep myself from falling to pieces. “I didn’t know it would be like this. I feel like life was spinning out of control and he was the one steady thing and I was taking advantage of that.” My fingers tremble as I press my palms against my eyes, finally finishing my thoughts. “I don’t know if I’m running away from all this hurt or running to him.” I swallow and whisper, “Maybe some of both? And it scares me.”
It’s too much to take in and process, but I need all this mayhem to stop.
“You don’t have to know. You don’t have to do anything,” Kat says. Her phone’s flipped over on the table and as soon as I notice that, I also notice all three women staring at me with sympathy. Waiting for me. I don’t deserve this. I don’t know how I ended up so close with these women but without them, I’d be so lost.
“You can take as much time as you need,” Maddie says with a small nod.
That’s the problem, though. I wanted things to be slow, but he was a force I couldn’t control. My body bowed down to his and I would have been swallowed whole if I gave any more of myself to him.
It doesn’t stop me from wanting him and the way I feel when I’m with him. He was right that first night when he said he’d make me forget everything but his name and what he’d done to me.
“Are you sure it’s not wrong? Because it feels like the worst kind of wrong.” I glance at each of the girls, feeling like whatever they tell me will propel me in the direction I need to go.
“It’s scary,” Maddie says, shifting in her seat and breaking eye contact.
“Love is terrifying,” Kat adds.
“It’s not wrong. You haven’t done anything wrong and you should do what you want to do. Even if that’s breaking every bachelor’s heart in New York City.” A soft, playful smile greets me as I look at Sue. She nudges me and reaches for the paper. “This wasn’t your fault, but I can’t say I’m not curious about the gossip ... and that I don’t think there was something good about you two being together.”
MASON
Anger management. The paper crinkles in my hand as I crumple it.