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Yet here I sit, worried about the man who brought all of this chaos in my life.
Worried he doesn’t want me. Worried I can never have him again. Worried I’ll never love anyone or be loved by anyone like him.
The mug clinks as I set it down on the counter, pushing it away to rest my face in my hands. The granite’s cold on my elbows, but everything today has been brutally cold. I should be used to it by now.
Shifting on the stool next to me, Maddie gently rubs my back in soothing strokes, making the cotton blouse travel slightly up and down my back as she shushes me.
The padding of Kat’s feet are muted by her socks when she gets up to sit by us too. She takes a seat alongside us at the island with me sitting between her and Maddie.
“Hey, it’s okay. He didn’t do it,” Kat says in such a tender voice. It only makes the pain in my chest grow.
I didn’t tell them a word, and I never will. They’ll never know any of this truth. Not if I can help it.
“I know,” I say and my voice cracks as I agree. I clear my throat and stare straight ahead, pushing the hair out of my face and ignoring both sets of their questioning eyes on me.
I can see myself in the reflection of the steel fridge, but it’s not quite me, it’s something else. Some different version that stares back, distorted. Perception is what’s changed my life. It could have gone on and on with me not knowing a damn thing,only seeing what they wanted me to, and then none of this would have ever happened.
“He didn’t do it,” I say in a stronger voice, swallowing the lump in my throat.
“Why don’t you call him maybe?” Maddie offers.
I have to drop my gaze. I can’t look them in the eyes and lie. “I don’t think he wants me to,” I answer honestly, staring fixedly at the granite countertops.
“You’re wrong, Jules.” Kat’s voice comes out harsher than I expected as she speaks, and I grip the edge of the counter to turn my body on the stool and face her. “Of course he loves you. That’s more than obvious.”
“You don’t understand,” I tell her even though I already know there’s no convincing her. Kat’s stubborn. She stares at me, waiting for an explanation. My eyes flicker to Maddie’s, both of them waiting impatiently. I settle for a partial truth. “He said he loves me.” I clear my throat and look past Kat. “I didn’t say it back,” I add. “The last time I saw him, I didn’t say it back.”
“Why?” Maddie sounds horrified, and it only makes me feel worse.
“It’s just that he did something,” I say haltingly, and my stomach churns as I look back to the gold flecks on the mug in front of me.
“Something like what?” Kat seems hesitant.
“It was something from a while ago, but it hurt me,” I say then close my eyes, wishing they could just know. Wishing I didn’t have to say it for them to understand.
“Did he mean to hurt you?” Kat asks and there’s a pain in her gaze. I know it’s because of what she and Evan are going through right now. I wish she’d talk to me about that, rather than feeling like I’m prying when I try to ask how she’s holding up.
“I’m sure he didn’t,” Maddie says softly, but her brow is furrowed with sympathy as she waits for my response.
“It wasn’t meant to, no, but it was meant to hurt someone else and it wasn’t right.” I see Maddie and Kat exchange glances.
“What did he do?” Maddie asks.
“Maybe he’s not here because he thinks you want to keep your distance for now since he was arrested?” Kat says, delicately hinting around the fact I’m very self-conscious of negative publicity.
“I don’t care about that,” I tell her bluntly. “He’s not here now, because when I left …” I can’t finish. I can’t say the words because I’m ashamed that I didn’t answer him. I’ve known I still love him. I know damn well I do, and I did then. I just didn’t want to admit it.
“You upset him?” Kat says, taking a guess.
“I knew I might not see him again … and I still didn’t say it back. He said I love you, and I didn’t say it back.”
“It’s just words,” Kat says, “Actions are what count. And if you love him, go for him. Fix it. You can always fix it.” She’s full of so much confidence. So much conviction, I have to believe her although part of me wonders if she’s telling me what she’s telling herself when it comes to her own relationship.
“Go to him,” Maddie says sweetly.
“Don’t you want him?” Kat presses when I don’t respond, too caught up in my own thoughts.
Had I known the truth, I never would have gotten close, but he didn’t give me that chance. He pulled me in and drowned me before I realized I couldn’t breathe. I’ll forever be his. All the sins and secrets could never tear us apart. We both have them. But if we have each other … they don’t matter.