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The doubt only lasts seconds and with a deep breath, I find myself glancing back to the screen to read the applicant’s résumé again.
“Hey, come on,” Jules says, attempting to console me. She places the laptop on the ottoman so she can scoot forward and lean against the armrest of my chair. “It’s going to be okay. No matter how dark the night gets, the sun will come up in the morning.” She gives me a soft, encouraging smile to cheer me up. It’s one of the lines from her first book she gave me as her agent. The memory takes me back to the high point of my life and then it crushes me.
“I’m sorry … It’s just that the nights are hard.”
“I get that,” she says, her kind tone adding extra comfort to the small words. “Do you want me to make you some tea?”
I shake my head. “I think I just need to sleep,” I answer her but I really don’t know what I need, and that’s the problem. There’s no solution to this because it’s out of my control.
“If he said he’s coming back, I guess the real question is: Do you wait for him?”
“I told him it’s over.” I sniff and absently pick at a snag on the corner of the throw. “I told him if he walked out, I was done.”
“I know what you said. But it’s obviously not over, not for you.”
I mutter softly, “I would be stupid to take him back.”
Jules smirks at me as she says, “We’ve all done stupid things. Haven’t we?”
She continues the conversation as she stands, letting the throw fall to the floor so she can stretch her back and adds, “Besides, forgiveness isn’t stupid, and neither is love.” She speaks so confidently and in a lighthearted tone as if they’re so obviously true.
“Can I beat the crap out of him first?” I peek up at her with a half grin, feeling a bit upbeat just from her being with me. She’s a damn good friend and I hope one day I have the chance to be as good of a friend back to her as she is to me.
“I think I’ll allow it,” she responds as her own smile grows.
Mason’s footsteps can be heard approaching from down the hall. He’s not quiet in the least and part of me wonders if he wants us to know he’s coming. “Sweetheart?” he calls out and we both turn to the open doorway before he enters.
“You wanna come to bed?” he asks Jules, bracing his hands on either side of the door jamb before leaning just his upper half into the room. Like he’s checking to see if he’s welcome.
“I don’t know,” Jules answers him, but her last word is distorted by a yawn. She’s never been a night owl.
“Go to bed, I’ll be fine,” I tell her, knowing darn well she’s only staying up for my sake. I wave her off. “I’m tired too.”
“It might be silly,” Jules says as Mason strolls toward her and wraps his arm around her waist, “but I’m really happy you’re here.”
“Thanks,” I reply and mean it. Such a simple admission makes my heart swell. That’s how badly I need someone right now. “I’m lucky I have you,” I tell her. “And I guess you too,” I say to Mason, suddenly feeling awkward that he’s in the mix of this chick lovefest.
“You staying up?” he asks me.
“Nah, I’m exhausted. I think I’m just going to watch something and pass out.”
“I can stay up with you,” Jules offers, and her voice is even peppy. She’s eager to help me, but she’s not the one I need.
“I’m good. Seriously,” I tell her easily and for a moment I think I will be when she yields and they say good night. As their footsteps slowly quiet to nothing, the television proves useless as a distraction, because the memories of what happened only nights ago come flooding back. It all haunts me, refusing to let go.
How I opened my heart to Evan, when it was raw and damaged from his doing.
How accepted I felt when he said he was happy we were having a baby. Not just accepted, but complete and whole and like everything was going to be better than okay.
How loved I felt when he held me and kissed me.
How I didn’t want to be anything other thanhiswhen he laid me down in bed.
I think that’s the part that hurts the most. I would give up everything to just be his.
And he can’t be bothered to text me back. Not even today, and I really could have used his support today. It was hard enough to keep my composure for the full two hours. I didn’t say anything the entire time. But on the way back home, I felt a pairof eyes on me. It was like a prickle at the base of my neck, like a sixth sense that told me someone was following me.
I hailed a cab and texted Evan immediately. It was out of habit more than anything else.