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“You need to stop this, Evan. Please. I’m ready to move forward. We have a baby coming. Our baby. We can do this, but you can’t keep going backward.”
God, I wish she knew.
I could try to outrun it, but not with her by my side. I’ll fight it and come back to her. I just need her to have faith. I know she will. The last thought is what moves me to put space between us.
“Just believe me when I say I love you, but I can’t be with you right now.”
A silent sob wracks through her body. “Stop it! Stop it, Evan. Please! I don’t care what it is, just leave it behind and stay with me. Please, I’m begging you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I tell her and hate that I’m causing her pain.
“Why are you doing this?” she whispers. “I can’t believe … I can’t …”
“I love you, Kat, but I can’t do this right now.” The words come out as if I’m ending it with her, and that’s when I realize it’s what I have to do.
To protect her and our baby.
“I swear to God, if you walk out of that door, Evan, it’s over. I’m done playing games. You’re here or you’re not.” Her words are restrained as she says them, each one sounding more and more painful.
My chest tightens with an unbearable sorrow as I whisper, “I’m sorry, Kat.”
CHAPTER 7
Kat
Winter happened overnight. And it’s a bitter one at that.
My hands are still freezing as I stare at the fire in Jules’s great room. Her home has been painted and decorated since I was here only a week or so ago. Jules didn’t waste any time making the space feel cozy and warm. The soft gray walls complement the cream furniture and stone fireplace perfectly. She said it’s all in “mineral tones” although many of the accent colors are a dark, luxurious purple.
“I love the color,” I tell her in an attempt to cheer myself up and break the awkwardness in the room. Usually when we get together it’s nothing but laughter. My face can’t hide that I’ve been a crying mess and so laughs have been hard to come by.
“It’s called Mineral Ice,” Jules says agreeably from her spot on the chenille rug. Her glass of wine hasn’t moved from thecoffee table since I walked in. Come to think of it, neither Maddie or Sue are drinking either.
The only one who seems normal is Maddie, and it’s because she’s lost her mind. I only just texted them days ago with the news I’m pregnant and she’s taken it upon herself to start planning every detail of the next nine months for me. I love her and the distraction, but there’s no way I can even think about a baby shower right now. It’s all up to her as far as I care.
“I think the grays and yellows will be perfect for a neutral theme,” Maddie says. “We could do bees or elephants and it will all match this room perfectly.”
Maddie has a few bags next to her on the floor. Each from different party shops with samples of all sorts of baby shower accessories and décor. In the group text earlier she said it was a “few” things to look at. Bless her heart, she’s ever the optimist. I only wish I could steal some of her positivity.
It was Maddie’s idea to meet up today, and thank God they dragged me here. I’d rather be looking at tiny yellow clothespins and paper samples for invitations than hysterically crying on the floor in my bedroom. So, I suppose this is a win.
“Thank you for offering to host it, Jules,” I say, pushing as much gratitude as I can into the words, but it still sounds lacking.
I’m not happy, and I just can’t fake it. There’s a hole in my chest and it feels like there’s no way it could ever heal.
The father of my baby left me. Not just left me, but left meagain. All I can think is that it’s karma. I slept with him and kicked him out … and then he fucked me and left. This is exactly what I deserve.
I thought we were whole again last night; I felt it. Everything in me felt the love between us. And yet this morning he walked away. I must’ve been a horrible person in a former life.
“Okay, so menu …” Maddie says, leaning over the laptop that’s on the glass coffee table and clicking the keys.
“Is it a little early to start planning all this in so much detail?”
Maddie stops fiddling with her laptop and looks up at me. “I thought maybe it would be a way to cheer you up a bit?” she says before sitting down on her butt right next to Jules. They’re closer to the fire, sitting on the rug, and I’m wedged into the corner of the sofa. “If nothing else it’s like window-shopping,” she offers up.
“I don’t think there’s anything that’s going to cheer me up,” I answer her woefully. My hand drifts to my midsection, but there’s not even a tiny bump. There’s no way I’d know I was pregnant if I wasn’t peeing on a stick every other day to prove that it’s real.
“Do you … want to …” Maddie trails off as she struggles to suggest something else.