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I would’ve worn this dress last year before it all happened. Back when I was happy and everything was how it was supposed to be. And don’t I want to be that girl again? I want to find a way to move forward on a new path.
Holding the heels in one hand and the iron banister in the other, I descend the winding staircase.
I’m not that woman any longer; I’ve changed. I accept that, but I don’t love who I am now. The crying and feeling sorry for myself. I need something. A change and some light in all the darkness. Eight months of a pity party and being stuck in a rut is long enough. I’d like to say that Jace wouldn’t want to see me like this, but I don’t even know what Jace would want for me. I’ve quit wearing my wedding ring, although it still sits on my nightstand. I’m ready to find out who I am without him beside me.
Before I open the front door, I glimpse out the large stained glass window in the foyer. It’s nothing but gray outside, and the hustle and bustle is only a fraction of what it could be.
Heavy rain greets me when I step onto my small porch. I decided not to bother with an umbrella, simply grabbing a stylish trench coat on my way outside. Quickly taking the steps to the street out front, I hail a cab. My heels click as I wrap thebelt around me and tie my coat tight when the first taxi comes to a slow stop in front of me.
I could have called for someone to do this, to order me a cab so it would be waiting. I could ask for help with so many things. I’d rather do it myself, though.
The light breeze and rain feel real. The rain is cold to the touch and I’m sure I’ll be regretting my decision soon. But it’s something different. I don’t want anyone’s help. I just need time.
Climbing into the taxi, I shake off the gathered rain from my jacket; the inside of the cab is warm and welcoming. I push the hair out of my face and say, “Penrose, please.”
“You got it,” the cabby says as he glances over his shoulder to look at me. His thinning black hair is oiled over and he’s more than a little overweight. The buttons on his striped shirt are straining to keep it shut.
I can see curiosity in his eyes but just as he opens his mouth to ask something, I don’t know what, I turn to look out the closed window and thank him.
Everything outside is wet and dreary. The people walking by move quickly and a couple only about ten feet away are fighting over an umbrella. It’s a cute little struggle though and the tall man in a navy blue Henley lets the woman win. She’s dressed in formal work clothes, while he’s in casual attire. But as soon as she takes full control of the umbrella, she walks closer to him and he wraps his arm around her waist.
I rip my eyes away and pick at my nails. It’s little things like what I just witnessed that I find unbearable. I bite the inside of my cheek and hold back the bitterness.
Luckily, the driver gets the picture. I’m not in the mood to talk and the cab moves ahead, taking me away from my sanctuary and toward another test.
That’s what these things really are. Tests.
It’s only in this moment that I realize I’m really doing it. I’ve put it off so many times over the last eight months. I’ve given so many excuses for not meeting up with the girls.
Why today? I don’t know. My heart sinks thinking that maybe I’m really getting over my husband’s death.
As much as I want to be the woman I once was, happy and carefree, I don’t want to forget him.
I lay my head back on the headrest and close my eyes, my clutch in my lap. Jace gave it to me last Christmas. I snort at the thought, running my fingers over the smooth, hot pink leather. More like I picked it out and he paid for it.
I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. It’s calming riding in a quiet cab at night in the city. The quiet rumble of the engine and the white noise of the rain are a serene mix.
The last day I saw my husband was when we were watching my nephew Everett, so my sister could have a mother-daughter day with Lexi. It’s rare I see my family at all; everyone is so busy with their own lives and my sister is much older than I am… so we’re not exactly close. I still love them though.
The thought of my nephew brings a smile to my face. With sandy blond hair that just barely covers his big blue eyes and a wide smile, you can’t help but smile back at him. He was only a few months old back then. A brand-new life in this world. That’s the way it works, isn’t it? Life and death go hand in hand.
I glance forward out the windshield and give a slight start when we stop far away from Second Avenue where the bar is located; a bit of traffic is holding us up.
The cabby notices my reaction in the rearview mirror and shrugs as he says, “We should be out of it soon.” He’s tense at the wheel, probably expecting me to snap at him, maybe blame him for taking this particular route. More guilt washes over me. I hate spreading negativity simply by being so … gloom and doomwith the air surrounding me. I’m not an ice queen, or at least I don’t mean to be.
I give him a soft smile, placing my clutch in the middle seat. “I figured we’d run into something,” I say easily. My voice comes out even and calm. It’s the voice I use with my mother. The kind of tone that says:I’m okay, just tired.
The cabby shifts, making the leather seat grumble and he tries to make small chat.
I nod my head and answer politely, but keep everything short and to the point. I can be accommodating with others and I truly want to do so. I’m tired of being alone and pushing others away. It’s just harder than I thought it would be after how I’ve been since Jace passed.
After a moment of quiet, I look out the window again. The rain’s nearly stopped, and the sidewalks are instantly crowded as a result. The people were always there, waiting under awnings for protection. Not many people like to venture into weather that washes away your makeup and ruins even the best put-together look.
They were waiting and ready to keep moving just the same. All they needed was a small break before setting out again. The only question is if there will be another awning to save them when the brutal downpour comes back.
The cabby stops and my eyes whip up to the sign on my right, my heart beating faster as I watch dozens of people walking in front of me on the sidewalk. Each going wherever it is that life has taken them. I don’t know if I’m ready, but at least I’m here.
“Miss?” the cabby asks after I remain where I am in this cozy seat. I shake my head slightly with quick motions and play off my hesitation, paying him and leaving a big tip as well. He deserves it for having to suffer my company.