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“Please leave me alone. I’m begging you, Evan. If you love me, please get away from me.”
EVAN
The truth I cannot change,
I’m a sinner and I confess.
But I refuse to let her go,
She’s my love and nothing less.
Ilove you, Kat, and I’m sorry.
I text her again, the cellphone screen lighting up the dark bedroom in Pops’s house, my old bedroom. The glossy posters reflect the light that scatters into the room in stripes from the blinds on the window. The sound of the traffic is louder here and everything about it reminds me of the life I used to lead. The one before Kat. The one I’m so damn ashamed of now.
I’ll never forget the look of disappointment on his face when I showed up a few hours ago with a duffle bag. It’s like even he lost hope in me making it right with Kat.
It’s crushing to leave her. But it’s different this time. I get exactly why she needs space. This is why I never told her. Sheneeded something to hold on to, though, she needed a solid reason to be pissed at me, so we could get through it and move on.
Still, I didn’t expect it to go down like it did. I’m worthless and it’s never been more apparent to me that my life is meaningless without Kat in it.
I swallow thickly as I lean back on the bed and fall against the pillow. I’ve never felt so alone. I wish I could take it all back.
My eyes close as I feel my heart slow and my blood turn cold. Being here like this makes me remember one of the last conversations I had with my mother.
She’d seen me with Kat while we were out one night. Just a coincidence, but she acted like it was more than it was.
Kat was a fling and a good time. She was someone I wanted more and more of and I made damn sure to monopolize her time until I had my fill, but of course that time would never come. I just didn’t know it back then or I liked to pretend I didn’t anyway.
“She seems sweet,” my mother told me when I came home for Sunday dinner. Looking back at that night now, I realize how much slower she was to set the table. How everything was a little off, but to me, Sunday dinner was just an obligation I had to my mother before I would be leaving to go out and have a good time.
“You didn’t really talk to her,” I said and laughed at my mom, shaking my head and taking a drink from whatever was in my cup. I leaned back and looked at my father, waiting for him to agree with me. When he didn’t, I added, “Plus she’s the only girl you’ve seen me with.”
“That’s true,” Ma replied and shrugged. “I like the way you two look together,” she stated matter-of-factly and then looked me in the eyes as she smiled. “Is it too much to ask that you pretend to value your mother’s opinion?”
I let out a small laugh and shook my head. “I’m glad you approve,” I told her. More just to make her happy than anything else, but it only opened the door for Ma to invite her over for the next family dinner. I had already started coming up with reasons to end it that night.
It was too much. I was young and in my prime and working a job that would keep my appetite well-fed.
I was ready to end it too the next night; it was too serious, too soon. But her smile and the way she laughed at me when I pulled up wearing an old rugby shirt caught me off guard in a way I found completely endearing. She thought it was the oddest thing and I’ll never forget the way her soft voice hummed with laughter and it carried into the night. Who was I to take that away? I knew she’d end it with me anyway. I didn’t know it would be after marriage and six years later.
If I could go back to that night, I would change it all and I’d make sure I told Ma she was right.
“I’m heading to bed.” My father’s voice catches me by surprise and my body jolts from the memory. I pretend to rub the sleep from my burning eyes and clear my throat to tell my father good night. It’s tight with emotion and it takes me a second to sit up in bed.
“You look like hell,” Pops says.
Nodding in agreement, I take a moment to set my feet on the floor. My head is still hung low and my shoulders are sagging as I rest my elbows on my knees.
“How did you keep Ma out of it? All the stupid shit you did?” I ask him. I know he led a wild life. He’s got the stories and the scars to prove it. I came by my lifestyle honestly.
I lift my head and look him in the eyes, forcing a small smile to my face. “I need to know what to do. I need advice.”
“You can’t. It’s gotta stop.” He shrugs his shoulders, the faint light from the hallway casting a long shadow of him into theroom, ending at my feet. “That’s the advice I can give you. Don’t keep a thing from her. You should already know that.”
I swallow, or try to, as a ball of spikes grows in my throat. “What if you can’t stop? What if I can’t quit this job and this life?” The image of Tony dead on the floor remains firm in my sight. Even as I blink it away and look up at my father, I can still see him. Dead from an overdose and staring back at me with glassy, lifeless eyes as if it was my fault.
I brought him to that room. The one reserved for partying in our company.