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I sit back in the seat, watching the steam rise from her cup as she slips the lid off and grabs a packet of sugar from the center of the table.
The packet makes a flapping sound as she shakes it back and forth between her forefinger and thumb to get the sugar down. The motion is forceful and she stares at it as she does it, before finally ripping it open and dumping the sugar into the cup.
“I don’t tell you everything.” The words slip out as the need to win her back takes over everything else.
She’s still for a moment, waiting for more, but not looking me in the eyes.
“It’s not like I do anything that’s … that I want to hide from you. You know what it’s like when I go to work.”
“I know,” Kat says with zero trace of a fight in her voice. “I remember.”
“I loved it when you came out with me. You know that, right?”
She finally looks up at me, but only for a moment before she nods her head then slips on the cap to her coffee cup. Her voice is full of remorse as she tells me, “I don’t have time for that anymore.”
I love that her mind immediately went to the thought of me asking her to come with me. At the beginning of this year, that’s all I wanted from her. So we could spend more time together and I could show her off. But the answer was always “no, I can’t take time off” so I stopped asking. My heart thumps hard in my chest, remembering how we got into a fight over her not wanting to come with me to Rome a few months back.
“I gave my notice,” I tell her and her eyes fly to mine, looking accusing more than anything. “Because you wanted meto.” I say the words as if they’re the truth and for a moment it feels like they are. But then I remember that’s not the reason. I remember what happened. I remember everything in a flood and I have to turn away to breathe in deep and focus on keeping Kat. That’s the only thing I care about while everything else collapses around me.
“And because I want to quit too.”
“When’s your last day?” There’s a small bit of hope in her voice, and I watch it shatter as I hesitate to answer.
“I don’t know. He … umm. James.” I run my hand down the back of my head and I hate how Kat sees through it all. Her head shakes with disappointment. “It’s not finalized.”
I nearly forget everything I planned on telling her, but somehow I hold on to it and continue, “I regret a lot of the things I’ve done this year and maybe for a while now?—”
“For a while?” Kat repeats and her eyes reflect the pain that’s in her voice.
“I didn’t cheat on you, Kat. It’s not what you think,” I tell her and feel like a liar. “I told you, you’re the only one for me.”
Before I can say anything else, she shakes her head and that false smile mars her face. “I don’t know what you did. But I don’t want to know anymore,” she says quietly, staring at the cup in her hands before looking back up at me. “We’re different people and I think it was only a matter of time before something like this …” her voice cracks, but she doesn’t cry. She simply looks away.
My heartbeat slows. So slow that it’s painful.
“Where are you sleeping tonight?” Kat asks me and I have to swallow the spiked lump deep down in my throat before I can answer.
“You still don’t want me to come home?”
“It would be easier if you didn’t.”
“Easier for what?”
“Easier for the breakup, Evan.” Her lips part and then she adds, “It’s not about love anymore or about what we had. It’s about trust and what we’ve become. I need a fresh start and a life I’m proud of. And I don’t think it includes you in it.”
“It does,” I answer her instantly. “And I want the same.”
She stares back at me with an expression that shows how vulnerable she is. How much she wants to believe what I’m telling her.
I take her hand in mine and tell her, “I’ll do whatever you want, so long as when it’s all said and done I get to keep you.”
I stare in her eyes knowing I’ve never said anything more truthful, but something deep down inside tells me that’s not how this story will end.
“It’s too little, too late, Evan. I’m sorry.”
KAT
The bed groans and dips as I turn back onto my right shoulder, pushing the pillow between my knees and trying to force myself to sleep. My mind won’t stop playing back every minute of the coffee shop. Every little moment. Even sleeping pills aren’t working.