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I don’t know what to say.
I think he cheated on me.
I think he’s sorry and he regrets it.
I think he loves me. No, I know he loves me.
And I feel like a fool for still loving him and wanting him.
That’s what’s in my head as I look around the small coffee shop, taking in every detail of the bright white chair rail and cream walls. The framed macro photographs of coffee pots and coffee beans keep my attention a little longer. I’ve never really noticed them before. This place is so familiar, yet I couldn’t have described any of these details if someone had asked me. I’ve been coming here for years and yet I’d never cared enough to look at what was right here in front of me.
“Why would he lie to you?” Maddie asks, pulling my attention back to her. She huffs, sitting back and causing the chair to grind against the floor as she does. “I just can’t imagine Evan doing this.” My shoulders rise with a deep intake of breath as I pick at a small square napkin on the table.
I roll the tiny piece I’ve ripped off between my forefinger and thumb, watching as it crumples into a small ball.
“I don’t know why,” I answer softly. I can feel all the overwhelming sadness and betrayal rise up and make my throat tighten as I try to come up with a response. “Maybe I’m stupid,but I can’t remember him ever lying to me before.” I swallow thickly and flick the tiny ball onto the table. “Not like this.” Defeat drips from my words.
“Sorry,” I tell them and wipe under my tired eyes, hating that I could possibly feel the telltale prick of tears behind them given how much I’ve already cried. “I tried not to let it …” I can’t finish. I watch as the rain batters the large glass window in the front of the shop and I slip my internal armor back on.
“Don’t you dare be sorry,” Sue says with a strength that pulls my attention back to her. Her jet-black hair cut into a blunt bob sways as she leans forward, moving closer to me while she speaks with an undeniable authority. “If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, do it. Whatever you need to do, just let it out.”
Maddie nods her head in my periphery, but I can’t do the same. Looking at the two of them, the stark contrast between Maddie and Suzette is more than obvious. Maddie’s a young brunette with large doe eyes, equally in love with love itself and the big city. Sue’s a recent divorcée with a bitter sense of humor she’s earned. Even their fashion choices are at odds. Maddie’s wearing a maxi dress and has a teal raincoat and clear umbrella hanging off the back of her chair, while Sue’s in a black and white tweed dress with a matching jacket, plus a broad-brimmed, black Breton hat she wears to keep people away.
Somewhere in the middle is where I fall.
What if I want to deal with it by falling into his arms and letting him lie to me?I bite my tongue, letting the silence be eaten up by the ticking of the clock. I know it’s not okay, yet that’s all I want. I want him to fight for me. I want him to love me. I want to forgive him, even if he won’t admit what he’s done.
And that makes me a coward and a pathetic excuse for a modern-day woman, doesn’t it?
The snide thought makes me turn my attention back to the dreary state of affairs outside. The clouds have set in and the sky quickly turns dark.
“This is crap weather for a first meeting,” I say out loud, not really meaning to.
“Way to change the topic,” Sue half jokes as she picks up her coffee cup and takes a sip, the smirk ever present on her lips. Her light blue eyes stare back at me from over the rim and it almost makes me laugh. Almost.
“So you’re meeting your client here?” Maddie asks, gracefully accepting my invitation to talk about anything else. I’ve never loved her more than in this very moment.
I nod, still not trusting myself to speak and take another gulp of my coffee. I forgot it was pumpkin spice and I nearly spit it out, startled by the flavor, but then I swallow it down. It’s not so bad.
Maddie pulls her dark brown, curly hair over her shoulder and scrunches her nose as she takes in my expression. “You don’t like pumpkin?” she asks, raising a brow in disbelief.
“It’s okay,” I say, answering her with a straight face and Sue erupts with a laugh that catches the attention of an elderly couple behind us. Her good humor is infectious and I find myself smiling. This is what I need. To talk and think about something else. Anything else.
“I’ll get you something else,” Maddie says as Sue starts to speak. “Just regular? Cream and sugar?”
“Thanks, but don’t worry about it, Maddie. It’s good.” I wave off her concern and take another sip. “I just needed some caffeine.”
“Well, you look professional,” Sue says with a nod. “The rain didn’t ruin your hair.”
I shake out my hair playfully in response to Sue’s attempt at a distraction but Maddie doesn’t pick up on the hint, and whenI yawn, she goes right back to the conversation I hoped we were done with.
“Trouble sleeping?” Maddie asks and I nod my head once then turn back to the cup, hating that we’re back on this again.
“I just wish I had …” I can’t finish the sentence and I struggle to come up with something to say as I push the hair from my face while trying to remember what I want. I haven’t got a clue. “I wish I had my life together,” I practically whisper, but they hear and I know they do.
“You do have your life together. You’re an established publisher. An entrepreneur and a hard worker.”
I have work. Yes. Maddie happily agrees with Sue, reminding me of how many people in this very city would kill for my job.