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“Motherfucker,” I scream out as I bang my fists against the door. The chill in the air makes each impact hurt more and more.
I start to text him even though my hands are aching from the freezing cold. One line saying,I know.And then I backspace until it’s erased. That’s not good enough, it’s too mysterious. I text him a paragraph about what I saw, but I delete that too, knowing he’ll just deny it.
Outside of his parents’ house, outside of the house where I fell in love with him, the light dims from the sinking sun and the sudden sheets of gray signal more snow is coming.
Defeated, I slip my phone in my pocket, realizing only now that I’ve been trembling.
I’m not going to text him or confront him. Nothing. I’ll figure out the truth and make sure I have evidence, but I’m giving Evan exactly what he gave me … nothing.
Diary Entry Four
Mom,
I’mworried about the things that I think sometimes.
I’m worried about how angry I get. Did you get like that ever?
I don’t know if you would have. I did it to myself by marrying Evan.
I’m filled with anger more than anything anymore. I don’t want to be like this, but it’s what he’s done to me. Maybe that’s an excuse. That’s probably what you’d tell me, isn’t it? I’m responsible for my own actions and no one else’s.
I’ve never been this angry, and I’m afraid of what I’m going to do.
CHAPTER 18
Evan
Ihaven’t been this nervous since Kat and I went out on our first date.
It was an easy date, a place I knew well.Myclub. I didn’t own it; I never got into commercial real estate, although I have thought about it. It was still my club, though. At least that’s how I felt. I should’ve felt in control and powerful to meet her in front of the doors, the music drifting out into the street, but one look at her stepping out of her car had my heart pumping faster and the back of my neck sweating.
Kat’s always been able to stun me like that.
As if I don’t already know she’s beautiful.
It’s something else, though, that’s got me this nervous.
It’s the sense that I can’t hold on to her no matter what I do. That’s the feeling I had flowing through my veins that night, and that’s the feeling flowing through me now as I get ready to step up to the doors of Mason’s house in the Berkshires.
I check my phone again to see if I have any more texts from him, but I don’t. The last one said she was packing her stuff and planning on moving back to the townhouse.
I rap my knuckles on the hard oak doors, the cold air making it hurt just a bit. My body urges me to do it harder, to embrace the pain and focus on that and not the anxiety of rejection.
I would deserve it, after all.
The door opens in one tug, and the glow from the foyer chandelier carries to the porch. There she is. Holding the door open with her lips parted in shock.
“Evan.” She says my name as she stands perfectly still.
A faint dusting of snow settles around me as I take her in. From the white socks on her feet, to the silk pajamas that must be a gift from Jules, because I’ve never seen them before in my life.
“Hey,” I greet her and then swallow the lump in my throat. “I heard you were here.”
Her expression hardens instantly as she seems to get over my surprise arrival.
“What do you want?” she asks me, although it sounds like an interrogation. Before I can answer, she takes a half step forward to come outside rather than letting me in, like a fucking lunatic.
“What are you doing?” I ask her with complete disbelief as she tries to shut the door.