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He shakes his head as he tells me, “It’s my fault.” That’s all he says as I stand there waiting for more. My body wars with me, wanting to cave and let him hold me. I haven’t realized it until now, but all this time, holding me has been his only way to be held in return.
“I need to give you your gun,” Mason says in a tight voice, looking past me and toward the stairs.
“You’re giving me the gun?” I ask him more as a distraction from standing there so numb and full of despair than anything else.
He nods once.
“And you’ll leave me alone?” I ask him, both wanting him to tell me yes and give in to my wishes, and also to tell me no and say he’ll love me forever.
“Yes,” he says and my heart breaks into two. “I’ll watch over you,” he says as he nods his head and I nod in return, reflexively. “When you’re safe,” he says and swallows thickly before continuing, “I’ll leave you alone. I promise.”
MASON
Time be still,
Show me a way.
To turn back what’s done,
And change our yesterday.
I’m so damn sorry,
I would repent,
Alas, that time is already spent.
There’s no way I’m leaving her alone.
In time, she’ll forgive me. I’m sure she will. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness, isn’t it? That’s how the saying goes.
A heavy sigh leaves me as I climb back into my car and double-check every window of her place. I’ve got a security system in place so she can be alone during the day, but at night, I’m slipping in through the back like I used to. I’ll be quiet. I won’t let anyone see. Not even her if she doesn’t want to.
It wouldn’t be right to leave her alone, but I can still let her leave.
The leather behind me protests as I close my eyes, leaning my head back with an overwhelmingly pathetic feeling consuming me. Everything I’ve done is to protect her, yes. But I can’t let her go. I’m holding on to the last bit of her that I can. She’s slipping, running away from me and I’d be a liar to say it doesn’t shred me.
It’s been weeks of nothing. Weeks of waiting. I don’t believe for a moment whoever wrote that note and sent that man is done with me. Or with her.
I press the button on my phone for the security feed. I have it all here. I’ll keep her safe.
I’ll know the second anyone enters. The locks are all new. The alarms are set. Every door that opens in that house, I’ll be alerted—same with every window.
She doesn’t want to stay with me, and I can’t force her to love me enough to stay. But I’ll protect her and care for her. I have nothing and no one else. I have no choice.
The keys jingle as I start my car and the heater blows out cold air while the radio plays soft music. I turn them both off and listen to the hum of the engine. Taking another look over my shoulder and then another glance at the feed on my phone, I make a promise to let her go one day, just not today. I’ll leave her alone like she wants. I’ll let her move on and live a normal life.
I can never give her that, I know that. Not with the way our worlds collided. She deserves that with someone else.
My throat feels tight as I gently press the pedal down and pull away from her row of condos on the Upper East Side. There’s still a chance if I just hold on … I won’t have to let her go. She’ll forgive me.
My warring thoughts storm through me. Let her go or hold on to hope.
Even knowing how wrong it is, I’ll be back tonight. I can’t leave her alone. I can’t let her go. That truth always wins out.
JULES
When did life become like this?