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I scoff at him, choosing to ignore the truth and how much I blame myself.
Right now, it’s all on him. I didn’t cheat on him. I didn’t continue to live a lifestyle that was obviously going to tear us apart.
He did. And fuck him for that.
“I hate you right now.” The words slip out in a breath and he visibly flinches.
“You’re angry, and you have every right to be.”
“Angry doesn’t cut it!” I scream, my throat feeling raw as the salty tears burn my eyes. “I loved you. I would have done anything for you!” I grit out the words through my clenched teeth and try to grip the chair as I stand on shaky legs.
“I loved you so much. And this is how you treat our marriage. With lies and secrets and all this shit I don’t even know about.”
“I’m sorry I kept that from you, but that was it.” He saysthat was itas if it’s easily accepted. As if he’s never told a lie or done anything else that would ruin us.
“Liar! How many laws have you broken at work?” I let the words tumble from my mouth, all the rage coursing through myblood. “But you kept at it. You were never going to stop until something made you. You didn’t care about me or what it did to us!
“What kind of marriage is that!” As the words tear from my throat and Evan stares back at me a guilty man, the reality hits me like a bullet to the chest.
I was blinded by my lust for him. Maybe even my love. Either way, I’ve been denying the reality.
“I want more than this. I deserve better.”
“I love you,” he says like that’s the answer to all of this. Like it will save us.
“You keep saying that, but I don’t think you know what it means.”Or maybe love just simply isn’t enough anymore.
“What really gets me,” I start to say then take in a long, ragged breath, finally taking a step toward him but immediately stop when he does the same.
Standing across from him in the small office I look him in the eyes and get what I’ve been thinking about out of me. “You saw her all the time. You were with her at every function.” My voice lowers as I add, “EvenIwas with her so many times. And you didn’t bother to tell me.”
“What happened was a mistake for her too.”
“Don’t talk to me like she didn’t know what she was doing. She was married and she knew we were together. How could you? How could you stand to be around her?”
“I was working. If you’ll recall, you were broke and we needed money. What was I supposed to do? Quit?”
“Does your boss know?” His expression turns to stone, although he looks more pissed off than anything else. “Does James know?” I ask him again.
“I don’t know.”
It’s silent as I breathe out a huff of disgust.
“I’m sorry. I fucked up but it was years ago.”
“It wasn’t just years ago. Every day you went back was a mistake. Every day you kept it from me was a mistake!”
“What part of it being my job don’t you get?” he asks me in a low voice full of anger as he takes another step forward.
“You could have gotten another job.” All I can see is red. The words come out automatically, but my mind is racing. My breathing is heavy.
“Who would hire me?” he asks with sincerity. “You were just starting out and needed every penny I could earn.”
“Don’t act like you did this for me!” I spit at him with anger. My fist pounds against my chest. “Don’t you dare blame this on me!”
Tears prick my eyes as he stares at me without saying a word.
Shame and guilt heat my body. Both of us are raging with emotion. Both of us want to tear the other person apart. That realization is all I can take. Tears spill over and I have to turn away from him. With my back to him, he tries to touch me and I rip my arm away from him. I shake my head and firm my resolve.