Page 35

JULIA
Happy is relative.
An emotion in time.
Guilt waits in shadows,
Makes you pay for your crime.
When push comes to shove,
And the two have to meet.
You’ll be judged, never loved.
It’s all bittersweet.
Ibreathe in the steam of the hot coffee in my hands. It’s the most amazing smell this early in the morning. That or Mason’s pillow. I don’t know what it is about the masculine way he smells that drives me crazy. Each morning I pull his pillow out from under him and take it as his alarm goes off.
I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face remembering this morning how he flipped me over and“punished” me for it. Maybe things are moving along too fast, but for the first time in a long time, I’m happy. Genuinely happy.
“Stop smiling like that,” Maddie playfully scolds from across the table as she blows on her latte. She lifts the cup to her lips and eyes me before taking a sip. The smile doesn’t fade; her next comment only makes it grow larger. “You’re making me jealous.”
“That is the power of sex,” Sue says as she takes her seat across from me. Her coffee is in a to-go cup in her hand, so I imagine she’ll be leaving shortly. She sets her bag on the floor and slips onto the stool easily. “It’s about time you girls caught on and decided to get some.” A coy smile lifts up the corners of her lips as she adds, “Well, except for Kat since she’s married.”
Maddie laughs into her cup and Kat gives Sue a cold look for a moment then shrugs. “He’s good at what he does,” Kat says but we all know there have been some complaints recently in that department. Not the bedroom per se but the lack of anything happening in the bedroom.
Whenever Kat looks at me, it takes me down from this high. She represents what I once had and what I should really be striving for. She has a loving husband, a stable and growing career. Children are in her future. I know they’ll get over this hump. She loves him and he loves her. Every marriage goes through ups and downs. That’s what everyone told me when Jace and I were working out our problems.
I set the cup down on the table and try to stop being … whatever it is that’s come over me.
“Is it different?” Maddie asks me as she crumples the wrapper from Kat’s straw. She has both hands on it, balling up the small white paper into a perfect circle. “Like since you were only with Jace before this new guy?” she adds and then peers up at me. Gauging my reaction.
The mention of his name ... It still affects me. I think it always will. Maddie has horrible timing, though.
“At first.” I take a sip of coffee and try not to let the overthinking and insecurity rule this conversation. Baby steps. “It felt like I was cheating on him,” I croak out, my chest feeling tight. “But that was in the beginning and it’s been a few weeks now, so …”
“Cheating?” Sue’s reaction is complete with a huff. “Um no, that’s what he did to you,” Sue says with a firm voice that grabs my attention. She rests a hand on my forearm. “Moving on isnotcheating … But you know you two …” she trails off then purses her lips with her eyes on me as if she doesn’t know if she should say what’s on her mind.
“Say it.” My voice is strong as I speak. I just want to get it out there, like ripping off a bandage. Even if it hurts, I need to hear it. I didn’t expect her next statement, though.
“I worry about you and Mason.” It’s like being thrown into ice water. I thought she had something to say about Jace. She didn’t really care for him. She didn’t hide it either. I wasn’t prepared for her to talk about Mason, though. “It doesn’t have anything to do with Jace.” She waves her hand through the air as if to thoroughly drive home that message and then continues. “You know I never liked Jace much, especially after he hurt you.”Cheating.After cheating on me.That’s what she means. We’d only ever been with each other, so he said he’d been curious and he swore it was a mistake. I forgave him. We moved past that together. Sue never did but it wasn’t her marriage and it wasn’t her decision.
“Why are you worried?” I ask cautiously, tapping my nails along the side of the cup and removing the thoughts of that infidelity from my mind. “It’s nothing serious.” I bite the inside of my cheek; even to me, that sounded like a lie.
“That right there,” Sue says as she leans back and points her finger at me. “I worry that you don’t know what casual dating is or how to act with a fuck buddy, or whatever this is for Mason.”
If they could hear the way my heart protests, she’d be doubly worried.
I clear my throat and spit out my next words. “He said he could give me more so it’s not exactly just for fun.” The tips of my fingers tingle and then go numb as both Sue and Maddie stare at me for a moment.Say something.
“What?” Maddie interjects, scooting her stool closer to the table. Her pink dress is pulled tight across her breasts as she leans forward and says, “What did he mean by ‘more?’” She’s as giddy as a schoolgirl.
“Yeah, what the fuck did he mean by more?” Sue asks, her skepticism obvious. Even Kat looks up from her phone to listen. She’s barely said a word since sitting down other than to apologize for having to work and that she swears she’s listening. I suppose now she really is.
“I don’t know. I just ...” I stop and focus on Sue, my former cheerleader and the one I know I need to convince. “I was worried too,” I say, making sure I’m careful with my words, “and I told him that I didn’t know if I could handle ‘just sex’ because I would probably want more, and he said he could give me that.” I think back to that night just two weeks ago, or has it been more now? I’m fairly certain that’s what I said and how he answered. “It makes me feel secure, that I can be open about how I’m feeling and that he’s receptive to it.”
Maddie lets out a small sigh of satisfaction, like a young girl in puppy love. She’s the only one obviously happy about what I’ve said. Sue taps her nails rhythmically on the table and Kat hasn’t moved, still watching me like a hawk. Like I’m prey and she’s just circling in the skies above, waiting to strike.