Page 48 of Phoenix's Fire

"Fuck off," Kanik said around a laugh. "And he's joking, Ayla. Teaching kids is nothing compared to what you two survived. It was a lot. I'm not saying that to make you feel weak. I'm saying that because you both overcame it. I think the raids are horrific, but every day down there was just as bad."

"Yeah," I agreed.

Zasen lifted a hand, pausing his friends. "Ayla, not telling Meri won't protect her. Telling her - while hard - will allow her to be ready for what's coming. And theyarecoming."

"I know. I've been marking off the days on the calendar," I admitted. "I also know you need the information she might have."

"So the next time you see her -" Zasen started.

"Tomorrow," I broke in.

"What?" Rymar asked.

"Tomorrow, Jeera is going to come get me and help me find Naomi's clinic. We're going to have exams."

"Exams?" Zasen said. "I understand for Meri, but what are you getting an exam for?"

My eyes dropped to the ground. "Birth control. I feel like I shouldn't tell you that."

"We know about birth control," Rymar assured me. "You can tell us. It's fine, Ayla."

"It's just hard. Now that I've been talking to Meri? I have to speak the way she's used to, and in English, and it just makes switching back so hard."

Zasen leaned forward, catching my eyes. "It's okay. We get it. Men know about women's things. Women know about men's things. We also remember how delicate we had to be with you, and that wasn't easy. No different than calling the Moles the Righteous. We get it, Ayla."

Which let me sigh in relief. "Okay, because I'm a little nervous about it. I don't know what an exam is, but Meri needs one, so I'll have one too."

Zasen smiled at me as if he was proud. "It's embarrassing," he explained, "but mostly painless. Your exam will also be a little different from Meri's, because she's pregnant. For you, Mom will look at your genitals and body. She will check your vitals - like pulse and lung sounds. Then she'll have a discussion with you about options and probably give you a shot."

"And for Meri?" I asked.

"Mom will check the baby as well," he explained. "It's a lot of touching, and you'll both need to change into a smock that will let her look between your legs and under it. She has to see the body to make sure it's working properly, but she will explain every step."

"Okay," I breathed. "But when do I tell Meri about the meat?Howdo I tell her? I mean, I warned her that everything the men told us were lies, but that's not going to be enough!"

"Nothing will be enough," Kanik said, shifting over so he could rub my shoulder. "Ayla, I can't imagine what it's like for you. The difference is you can imagine what Meri will think, so trust yourself."

Rymar just shrugged. "I get the impression Meri is not as resilient as Ayla."

"She is!" I insisted.

Rymar gave me a long, soft look. "Is she, Ayla? Do you think she would've killed a man to save Tamin's life?"

I ducked my head. "I don't know."

"Youdid," he reminded me. "And then you killed more. You are a fighter. Meri? She seems very nice and very sensitive. She seems like Brielle in a lot of ways. Sheprobably likes to help others, but not the same way you do. I get the impression Meri makes the pain better, but you prevent the pain from ever happening."

"I try," I admitted. "But Meri's a good person!"

"I didn't say she wasn't," he assured me. "She's just not the same person you are. Zasen is a fighter. I'm one of the people who tries to make it better. Kanik is somewhere in the middle. He can fight, but he'd rather help."

"Yeah, I can agree with that," Kanik said.

"But you," Rymar went on, "are a fighter too. You rush in to stop it. You aren't afraid of what will happen to you. You're more scared of what will happen to the ones you care about. I'm more scared of them not being able to recover afterwards."

"Oh." I chewed on my lower lip, thinking about that. "We weren't allowed to choose in the compound, so I'm not sure. We all got punished, although I got punished more because I couldn't be obedient. Meri was. She tried so hard to make the men happy. She did everything to make Ms. Lawton and Mr. Cassidy happy too. She wanted to be the best, thinking it would make her life easier, but no one warned us we would never be able to truly get it right."

"What do you think she'll do when you tell her?" Zasen asked.