Page 196 of Phoenix's Fire

Ayla had a goal. She was fighting back against the Righteous. She wanted to get Callah out. Me? I felt like I was simply wading through each day with no clue where I was going. Every time I started to daydream about a future, this thing inside me shifted or kicked, reminding me I was no longer my own person.

I'd always dreamed of being a good wife. My father had said that was what a woman should aspire to. My mother had been a good woman, and many had mourned her when she passed. Me? I was an embarrassment. I'd let them all think I'd had relations with my own brother! My husband despised me, and this thing inside me would never let me forget that period of my life.

What if the baby looked like Gideon? Worse, what if it was cruel like him? Would I spend the rest of my life struggling to do my best by this child, only to be reminded of all my failures? Would I simply be bringing the horrors down there up here?

But there was nothing to be done about it now. I'd married Gideon. I'd toldAyla to save him because he was handsome and charming. I'd been so excited to be the wife of such a catch. I'd been proud, and shallow, andstupid!

Oddly, I'd never imagined myself as a mother. Oh, I'd known it would happen, but my fantasies about Gideon had been holding hands and standing beside him as we were wed. I'd thought about how I'd serve his meals and keep his home. I'd even imagined myself telling him I was pregnant, but never anything after that.

I was pretty sure that was because women didn't take their babies out of their marriage suites. Infants were loud and needy. Toddlers were awkward and curious. I'd been told those things, but I didn't truly understand what they meant, and my only knowledge of what motherhood would look like had been seeing my younger siblings as I was growing up.

I'd been sent to the girls' hall at the age of ten, but I'd been helping to clean before then. I'd never been allowed to change my younger siblings' diapers, though. They'd both been brothers, and a girl wasn't allowed to see such things. I just remembered them crying. Always crying.

I didn't want that.

The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted, and the more Lessa asked me about it, the worse my answer got. Yesterday, it had simply been that I didn't want to be Gideon's wife anymore, so when Lessa showed up to walk me to "work," I wasn't all that surprised to hear she'd made plans for us.

"It's time your marriage ended," she said as Brielle let her in.

"Did you find out how?" Brielle asked.

Which made Lessa grin. "Yep. I talked to Rymar. He said they had Ayla's marriage annulled, but Meri says that's different. She agreed to her marriage, so I think she needs a divorce."

"Yeah, but divorces require the other party to be notified," Jeera pointed out from a chair in the living room.

Lessa shrugged that off, pulling a letter from her bag. "I have here an official order from the deputy mayor of Lorsa," she said. "Because Meri was cast out, she's considered dead by the community she was with, which means her husband has already moved on." Then she looked at me. "So, do you want to stop being Gideon's wife?"

"Yes!" I gasped, hurrying toward her. "Really?"

"We have to walk to City Hall," she explained. "Then we need to file a document with the town that dissolves your previous marriage as being unlawful in the city of Lorsa. They will make up a paper for you that shows you're divorced from him, and he won't even need to be there because we don't even know if he's alive."

Which made me pause. "He could be dead?"

"We killed a lot of your hunters last time," Jeera reminded me. "To us, they all look the same. Freakishly pale people with blonde hair and blue eyes."

"Some are grey," I pointed out.

Jeera just shrugged. "Close enough. Pale men in black with guns. I promise we don't slow down long enough to notice much about them."

"What if he is dead?" Brielle asked me gently. "Does that bother you, Meri?"

I reached down to caress my belly. "It would be better."

"If he is," Lessa said, "we don't have to do this. I mean, we could assume he's dead and call you a widow, if that works better?"

I thought about that for all of two seconds. "No. I want to undo the marriage. Even if he's dead, I don't want him to have any claim on me. If there is a heaven, I don't want to be his. I don't ever want him to have a claim on me!"

"Then let's do this," Lessa said.

Jeera and Brielle told me to have a good day, and then we left. All the walking really was making me stronger, just like Naomi had said. I'd also had another checkup, which basically said the same thing as before. The baby hadn't turned, it wasn't in position, but I could have this baby any time.

She also didn't think it would be too soon. My cervix - which she'd explained to me - wasn't ready yet. The changes to my body could've been because I was so thin, but I'd been eating a lot and gaining weight. Now, my dresses fit better, and Lessa was saying that if they got tight, she'd make me more, so I should eat as much as I could.

And walk. So much walking. I loved this part, though. The sunlight was so bright, but the town? Everywhere we went, people were smiling and laughing. Plus, the colors! Everything was in such bold and vivid colors, even when it was pastel. From the blue sky to the dazzling clothing, and even the buildings around us, it seemed Dragons really liked to use color.

Some houses were green, or yellow, or even blue. Flowers grew everywhere in so many different shades, I couldn't name them all. Signs were painted to stand out. It was as if the entire world was trying its hardest to prove it was alive, and I was still struggling to wrap my mind around this.

"You know," I told Lessa, "in the compound, they told us the Earth was burning."