Page 240 of Phoenix's Fire

I hummed, thinking about that. "But hers is what she wanted. Mine isn't. Mine is what I was given. Mine is what Gideon decided for me, and that's not fair! It's not right, and it makes me soangrysometimes."

"Rightfully so."

"And sad," I added. "And scared."

"I know, sweetie," she breathed, sliding her hand down the back of my head to smooth my hair back. "I want to reassure you that I'm going to be here for you, but it doesn't really help, does it?"

"No, not really," I admitted. "In the compound, women die giving birth. I've been told it's different up here, but I'veseenit down there. My mother died like that! It's just how things are, so being told everything is so perfect?" I paused, scrunching up my face as I thought about that. "I feel like I don't deserve it, or maybe it's a lie, and even like it could be a trick of some kind. None of those make sense, but it's what I feel, and Ayla can't even imagine it. She never had to deal with a husband, so she doesn't understand how horrible it is!"

Lessa pulled her hands into her lap, then tilted her head a bit to look in my eyes. "But you know she loves you, right?"

"Yeah," I said, feeling a little smile find its way to my lips. "Sometimes, I think about how she just ran in there, yelling at that big man and forcing him back. She wasso brave! And she did it for me."

"Mhm," Lessa agreed. "But I think she might not know how to help you or what to say."

"Ayla always knows what to say," I grumbled.

"No, she pretends like she does," Lessa assured me. "Trust me, I'm a master of doing that. But when someone you care about is scared and confused, words don't fix it. Sadly, words are all Ayla has for you, and I bet it makes her feel pretty helpless."

"I don't mean to!"

"No, it's not a thing you're doing wrong," Lessa promised. "It's just how life is. And it's perfectly fine to be jealous of Ayla for not being pregnant, or not having been married, or anything else. You know what's not fine?"

"No, what?"

"Hating her for it," Lessa said. "See, jealousy happens. How you handle that jealousy? That's what makes you a good person or a bad one. So you know, I'm not good at handling it."

"Yes, you are!" I insisted.

She laughed. "No, I was pretty mean to Ayla when I first met her. I blamed her for what the Moles did to my family. I hated her because I thought Zasen should end up with me. I was so sure that if I could just convince him to pick me, then all my problems would go away. Sometimes, I still think that."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because he kills Moles, and Moles killed my family. Because when I was young and scared, he was the friend who helped me figure out how to be strong - even when it was often just being mean." She hummed at that. "Yeah, and because I get lonely sometimes, Meri. I have a lot of friends, but none of them are like you and Ayla. My friends have fun with me. They don't cry with me, or scream with me, or make clothes with me."

"I do," I said.

Which made her smile, but her eyes were shining a bit too much. "Yeah, I know. The irony of that is not lost on me."

"I don't understand what that means," I mumbled.

"I hated Moles and wanted to destroy all of them. There was no excuse or reason that could make anyone from down there acceptable to me. And now, I'm sitting here with an amazingly beautiful and courageous woman who I really like spending time with - and she used to be a Mole."

I giggled at that. "God works in mysterious ways?"

"Fuck God," she told me. "I prefer to think we all forge our own destiny. Yours and mine just happened to converge, and for once, I wasn't being so much of a bitch that I pushed it away."

"Yeah," I said, thinking about her words. "God's not very nice, huh?"

"Not from what I've seen," she admitted. "I also haven't seen a whole lot."

"Ayla said the God up here is different."

"Oh, there are a lot of gods up here, Meri. And none. Different people believe different things."

"How?" I asked.

She shrugged. "We just do. We think about what feels right and embrace it."