Page 184 of Phoenix's Fire

His eyes dropped to the blanket beneath us. "I like touching," he admitted. "Holding hands, hugging, and all of it. I'm just horrible at doing it."

"Yeah," I breathed. "Me too. Maybe we can practice together?"

"And not make you nervous?" he asked.

I nodded quickly, the movement rushed because of nervousness. "I still don't want to get married, though."

"Me either," he agreed. "I like how Saveah and Tasult did it. They got to know each other, and then just kept getting closer until they bought the house and had kids."

"I don't want kids either," I hurried to say.

Kanik chuckled. "I didn't mean like that! I meant getting to know someone as a friend. Not making it about complicated rituals like marriage. Just finding the people I belong with and then living my life with them in the way that makes us happy. It's kinda why I moved in with Rymar and Zasen, you know."

"Yeah?"

He nodded. "They're my best friends, Ayla. No matter what, those two have always had my back. Well, since I met them as boys, I mean. And I was never as impressive as them, or as popular with the ladies, or anything else, but they didn't care. When people called me weak, or bookish, or ugly?"

"You're not ugly!" I hurried to assure him.

That made him glance up at me. A little smile flickered on his lips, but he shrugged it away. "Ayla, I'm small for a man, I'm just brown, and I don't have the jawline of a handsome man."

"You have purple," I said. "Purple isn't boring, and your eyes are as pretty as Rymar's!" Then I reached over to trace the back of his hand. "And I like the little black freckles, but your stinger's my favorite."

He chuckled. "Yeah, um..." And he looked away. "I don't even know how to respond to that. Thanks?"

"It's true!" I insisted.

"It's true to you," he reminded me, "but a lifetime of being told something is hard to get over." He looked back. "Just like you being scared of men because you were told we're dangerous. I'm convinced I'm an unappealing man because I've been told that."

So I caught his hand, wrapping my fingers around it the same way I would with Meri. "But here's the thing, Kanik. They lied. Hold on to that, and remind yourself, because it's easier to accept the truth when you remember all those horrible things were nothing more than one great big lie."

His fingers curled to cradle mine. "I'm trying. You make it much easier."

And I found myself smiling, staring into those perfectly purple eyes and unable to look away.

Fifty-Seven

Callah

Tobias had started sitting with me at dinner. It was one of the few times we were both available and that wouldn't raise questions. Mr. Cassidy had even praised me in front of class earlier for being such an attentive girl, using me as an example to explain how to properly impress a potential suitor. It had been horrific, and the moment Tobias sat down, I immediately told him about it as we ate.

"And the other hunters complain about women being so desperate for attention," he grumbled. "No one tells us you've been all but ordered to act that way."

"I know!" I huffed. "We're not supposed to mingle with men, but we're supposed to make sure we're noticed by them, yet we shouldn't worry about our appearance because that would be vain, even though how we look is the only thing a mancouldnotice!"

"It's almost like the entire system is set up to make us both resent each other," he said.

Which made me pause. "Is it?"

He gave me a confused look. "Why would they want that?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "Unless it's to prevent something like this." And I gestured between the two of us. "If we're united against our problems, then we're more likely to turn to each other instead of the matrons or elders, maybe?"

He grumbled with annoyance. "It's almost like the more I learn, the worse I realize everything is." Then he put a dollop of his vegetable mash on my plate. "This is me bribing you to tell me how things have gone with the wives lately?"

"Ms. Lawton encourages me to do my chores in the wives' area now," I admitted. "I don't always see my friends - "

"Which ones are you counting as friends?" hebroke in.