Page 239 of Phoenix's Fire

"I can talk to her if you want," Lessa offered.

I bit my lips together and shook my head. "No."

But that wasn't enough for Lessa. Shifting her chair closer, she reached in to take my hand. "Meri, what's going on? It's okay. We talk about all things, right? Even the stuff we shouldn't?"

But that wasn't an easy question to answer. There weren't words for why I'd been avoiding Ayla. It was just this feeling - and not her fault at all. It was me, and how could I say things when I didn't have the words?

According to Lessa, I simply tried, so I said, "I don't feel like I'm the person she wants me to be. Ayla's so strong, and brave, and so sure of everything she wants! She decided she didn't want to be married, so she attacked her husband, Lessa. I tried to make mine like me. And now I'm pregnant, and I don't know what I want to do, and there's all these options, but she'd ask me what I was planning, and I don'tknowwhat I'm planning!"

"That makes sense," she said.

"It does?"

Lessa nodded sagely. "Yep. I'm sure there's a little shame in there, right? You're not doing things the way you were told you should. Even if you don't agree, there's a little part that sticks with you, making you think you'll be judged for it."

"Yeah," I mumbled in admission.

She bobbed her head again. "And probably some resentment, hm? Here's Ayla, speaking our language like it's no big deal. She yells at men bigger than her, and runs around everywhere with her dog. Never mind her guys! Zasen, Rymar, and Kanik are always with her, which makes it even harder to have a private conversation, and half the time she's oblivious to the idea that things might be a bit personal."

"Yes!" I gasped. "And she gets to have her second chance without anything holding her back. I have this!" I gestured at my belly. "No matter what I do, this changes everything. I'll either be raising a baby - which would mean I can't just do what I want. Or I'd adopt it." I paused. "Did I say that right?"

"Give it up for adoption," she corrected.

"That!" I said. "Even if I do that, I'm still going to have a baby. I'm going to be weak, and changed, and not an untouched girl with all her options like Ayla is!"

Lessa hummed at that. "Well, I can promise you those options aren't like down there. Most people won't judge you for being a single mother or giving up your child. It's not some taint that makes you..." She paused. "What's the word for someone shunned?"

"The Righteous - er, Moles - called them possessed or banished."

"No, there's a word," Lessa said. "It's like disgusting? Pariah!" she said, finally figuring it out. "See, people up here have sex when we want to, so sometimes babies happen. It's normal, and there's no lasting stigma on you because of it. Mostly that's because tailed women can't have children, so women who can? You're always seen as a bit of a treasure to our society."

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Mhm," she agreed. "Waiting until marriage to have sex would be weird for us. People would be shocked by that. But all of this is a lot to handle without trying to explain it to someone else, especially when you're struggling with it yourself." She reached out to clasp my forearm. "All I'm saying is that you don't have to see Ayla if you don't want to."

"I don'tnotwant to," I admitted.

"And that's fine too," she promised. "I mean, her sister Saveah? We've been friends since we were little. I might see her once a month if I'm lucky, but that time apart doesn't make us less friends. It just means we have different things in our lives, and we sometimes need space to deal with them."

"So I'm not being a bad friend by avoiding her?" I asked.

She shook her head. "You're figuring it out and learning yourself."

"And it's harder to do that with her," I admitted. "When I'm around Ayla, it's like being back there. Not that she makes me act like that or anything, but that was what we knew for so long. I was good, she was bad, and Callah was smart. But I'm trying to be me, and that's hard to do when I'm always thinking I should be the good girl or the good wife."

"Detox," she said.

Which made me give her a confused look. "I don't know what that is."

"It's when you have to get something out of your system so it stops affecting you," she explained. "For some people, it's a drink or a drug. For others, it's a bad habit or a bad person. Maybe a good one from a bad time - which sounds like Ayla. You just need the time to find your own center, and then have your own fresh start. Ayla got hers before you arrived."

"Yeah," I breathed. "And don't tell her, but I do resent her a bit. It's not fair, and it's not her fault, but it's still there, and I don't want to mess up our friendship because of it."

"Pregnancy hormones are probably a part of it," she told me. "They make a lot of emotions even more intense than they should be."

Which made me giggle. "That's kinda how I feel. I mean, every time I see Ayla, I feel like it should be a year ago. It should be us, young and eager and trying tofigure it all out. But now, I know what 'it' is, and she's found a different 'it,' and my version can never be hers."

"And hers can't be yours."