Page 201 of Phoenix's Fire

"I think Kanik's handsome," I told her.

"He's cute," she agreed. "I mean, I happen to like tall and lean, and he's not that, but he is cute."

"But Lessa said he's just brown, and Kanik thinks he's ugly!"

Saveah made another thinking noise. I was pretty sure she was working hard to say things just right for me. Mostly because all of this stuff was so different than everything I'd been taught.

"Ayla, Kanik is not the kind of man most would call handsome."

"Why?"

"Because handsome is high cheekbones and sharp jaws. It's men who are strong and confident," she explained. "Tall, muscular, and things like that. Brightly colored is also a big one."

"Like Zasen and Rymar," I said, because I'd been told that before.

"Not like Kanik," she said. "However, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Have you ever heard that before?"

"No."

"It means that if you think he's handsome, then he is. But since most don't, he won't be used to hearing it. That phrase means I might say green is my favorite color, but yours could be pink."

"I like all the colors," I admitted. "Everyone keeps asking me about a favorite, and I like them all. They're so bold and bright and happy-looking."

"And most people have a favorite," she said. "But that's exactly what I'm talking about. Your opinion isn't wrong, it's just not as common as picking a single color. You're allowed to like all the colors, and to think Kanik is handsome, and everything else." Then she leaned closer and fake-whispered, "You're also allowed to think about kissing men."

"But that's just a silly fantasy, right?"

"What is?"

We were getting close to the library. I knew that place was quiet, which meant even whispers would carry, so I stopped well before we reached it and turned to face her.

"I read books about love that had women's hearts beating faster and men professing their feelings," I explained. "The men would kiss her passionately, and she'd like it. He'd tumble her into bed, and she'd like it. Then he'd be kind and considerate, and treat her so well!"

"Romance novels," she said.

I could only shrug. "But that's not what it's like. Sex hurts so bad the first time, it makes a woman bleed, and - "

She caught my arm, stopping my words. "No." Just to make her point, she shook her head. "No, Ayla, that is not how it works. Rape hurts. Sex? It feels so good. The first time, it can be a little weird and awkward, but that's not the same as hurting. See, Dragons are all taught about reproduction in school. We learn how the vagina lubricates, about the hymen, and all of that."

"We do too," I assured her. "Well, not the lubricating part."

"It's called getting wet," she explained, pausing to glance around. "And when that happens, it makes it not hurt. Not even the first time, but the woman has to be arousedandrelaxed. Moles don't do either of those things, it sounds like."

"Meri said it hurt," I mumbled.

"I'm sure it did," she agreed, "but I have two children, Ayla. I've had plenty of sex, and I liked it. With Tasult, and with men before him. But you, little sister, aren't even in the realm of thinking about sex yet. Right now, you need to consider if you want to hold hands or kiss a man."

"I do," I said. "Sometimes."

"And sometimes is allowed," she promised.

"But Zasen said I have to do it first. He also said I could practice with them."

My sister struggled not to smile so hard she ended up biting her lips together. "Mhm," she said around it.

"What?" I asked.

"Ayla, those men like you as a friend - as a very good friend. They also wouldn't mind if you liked them as more. They will not push you. Well, Zasen will, but you know what I mean. They won't do things you don't want. They certainly won't hurt you, so if you want to kiss one of them, do it."