Page 255 of Phoenix's Fire

But that brought Ayla as well. "Meri's good in the infirmary," she said. "She was always calm and sensible."

"Was she now?" Naomi asked, smiling at me.

Jeera just groaned. "Mom. She's got to be full-term by now."

"And she's going to sit at a desk," Naomi said. "Meri promised she'd be okay with that."

"I don't want to help with the babies," I explained, hoping Ayla wouldn't think that was horrible of me.

But Ayla nodded. "I wouldn't want to either. I mean, my niece and nephew are fine, but it's different with a lot of them."

"Yeah," I said, hoping that was good enough. "And I'm trying to find myself."

"You always liked healing," Ayla said.

"But not as much as you," I admitted.

But Ayla made a noise like she didn't agree. "You liked it differently. I liked that I could pull out the arrows and tell the men what to do. You liked that you could help people. And you're good at it, Meri. You always knew when we needed more sutures, or when to bring clamps to the healers. Plus your bandages never slipped off!"

Her words made me stand a little taller. "Really?"

Ayla nodded. "Oh, yeah. And here, they have lots of different types of doctors and nurses. It's the same thing, isn't it? You did one part of healing. I did a different one. I could never wrap a bandage as good as you, so I don't think 'better' really works."

I sighed, relieved to know I hadn't been completely useless. "I don't know what I like, and there's just so many options. A lot of them, I can't do because I'm pregnant, and everyone wants me to sit around and do nothing."

"But you're sewing," Ayla reminded me. "That does both. I could only clean the house, and half the time they wouldn't let me do that."

"I don't like it," Brielle said.

"It's not your choice," Jeera told her. "She's not risking the baby or herself. And while she's not immune to venom yet, Meri knows about it. We told her, Bri. She'll be fine, and you can't smother her to death."

"We tell women to take it easy at the end of their pregnancy, though," Brielle pointed out.

"And she'll be at a hospital," Jeera said. "I'm going to be out in the field,and Lessa doesn't know shit about any symptoms she could have, so the way I see it, the hospital's a good place for her. Plus, you're being overprotective, baby."

Which made Brielle chuckle and look away. "Sorry."

"She'll be fine," Naomi told those two. "Won't you, Meri?"

"I'll be very careful," I promised. "But then Lessa can help someone else."

"Because it's horrible to feel like you're putting everyone out," Ayla told the women. "It makes us want to prove ourselves more. Meri's too nice to yell the way I did."

"You didn't exactly yell," Jeera told her.

"Either way," Naomi said, "we do need volunteers, and Ayla proved their healing is basically the same as nursing. These women also know field medicine, which means having Meri in the front when the wounded come in could be lifesaving."

Those words made my mouth part, but my lips were also curling. I wasn't sure if I wanted to gasp or smile, because I wasn't sure what field medicine was, but it sounded good. It soundedcapable. Combined with the nice things Ayla had just said, all of this was making me feel a lot less useless.

Gideon had made me stop healing when we'd been married. He'd said it was a waste of time, so I'd almost convinced myself of the same, but I had liked it. I liked being able to make people feel better. I wasgoodat caring for them.

But my husband had told me I should only care for him. I'd believed I should worry about caring for this child, but what if there was another option? What if Ayla was right and I was good at this? Not the part she did, but the partIdid.

My eyes dropped down to the massive belly hanging in front of me, and I wanted to sigh. Gideon had tried to remove everything about me that had made me who I was. I'd let him, and now I couldn't stop what he'd done.

But I could finally make my own decisions. That was why I'd needed to come here, to Lorsa. Callah had been right. Ayla would save me. Maybe not my life, but there was more to me than just eating and breathing. I was a whole person. I was more than a wife or a mother.

And I was starting to finally believe that.