Page 202 of Phoenix's Fire

"I don't know how!" I reminded her. "I've kissed two men in my life!"

"Two?"

"Mr. Saunders and Zasen."

She nodded. "Right. The supposed husband. Fucking Moles." Then she reached up and clasped my shoulder. "Okay, I'm going to give you a way to cheat. Ready?"

I nodded eagerly.

"If you want to kiss one of those men - at any time, for any reason - you just tell them. All you have to do is say, 'I want to kiss you but don't know how,' and then he'll help you figure it out, and I promise you he won't think anything of it. I mean, he'll probably like it, but he won't assume he owns you, or that it will go further than a kiss."

"But how can you be sure?" I asked.

She gave me a devious little smirk. "Because when I pick up my children, I'm going to pull them aside and have a little chat with them," she said. "See, that's what big sisters are for. I get to smooth things out so it's one less thing for you to be nervous about."

"But why?"

"Because you're my sister and they're my friends."

I nodded, understanding that well enough. "So why don't you want to kiss one?"

She shrugged. "I used to, back when we were kids. I actually had a thing for Rymar, but I think most girls in school did. But then we became friends, and they're more like brothers to me, Ayla. I'm also not ready."

"Because of Tasult?"

"Yeah." And she turned me towards the library. "See, our men are wonderful things. They're loving and kind. They're sexy and good fathers. And having someone like that in your life? It's hard when they're gone. Like losing Meri would've been. Or Mom!"

"I'm sorry the hunters killed him," I told her. "He sounds like such a wonderful person."

"And being in love is the best feeling ever," she told me. "It's not something to avoid, Ayla. Getting your heart broken sucks, but you can't figure out what you want in a partner until you try being with someone and learning what you like. We call it dating, and sometimes it doesn't work, because men have the right to like and dislike things too. It's not permanent, it's not ownership, and it's okay to want it."

I was watching the rocks under us as I listened to her, nodding because she had good points. "What if I don't like it?"

"Then you don't," she said.

"But what if I mess things up?" I pressed. "What if I do something so wrong that they don't want to be my friends anymore? What if I make it weird because I don't want to, um, not be their wife, but you know what I mean?"

"Get serious," she said, showing she did. "But if that happens, then I have an extra room where my sister can live," she assured me. "But Ayla, you're a fighter. You are the Phoenix! Try acting like you have a little fire for once?"

I liked that. Everything about the idea made me want to smile, so I nodded as we made our way up the stairs. "Okay," I decided, pulling open the door so she could go first. "And maybe while we search for these names, you can explain dating to me? Rymar tried, but I don't think I understand yet."

"Promise," she said. "Ayla, these are exactly the sorts of things you can talk to me about. Even if you just want to run across the street to ask, I promise I will spend as much time explaining it as you need." Then she lowered her voice as we entered the actual library. "I'll save the kinky stuff for later."

"Kinky?" I asked, not knowing what that word meant.

She giggled, shoving a hand over her mouth to muffle it. "Perverted. See, up here, that's not necessarily a bad thing either. And between us, no secrets. Someone has to look out for you, and that's my job now. Means you have nothing at all to be embarrassed about with me, and I'll do the same with you."

I nodded in agreement. "Deal."

Then she pointed. "The records area is over here. Pretty sure that's where we'll find the lists of everyone lost in the Mole attacks."

Sixty-Three

Ayla

We stayed at the library until they closed. When we got home, Tamin had fallen asleep on the couch and Kanik was sitting in a chair reading softly to Taris. It was an adult book, but she still cooed and kicked at his sweet, soft tone. Saveah and I took the chance to get something to eat while the guys handled the kids, and then Zasen scooped up Tamin and helped carry Saveah's children home.

Rymar was still out by the time I went to bed. Holly beat me there, curling up on the mattress after her long day of playing hard. At least that was how I hoped she saw it. But the next day, we had a militia meeting, and I wanted to show off what she could do.