Page 255 of For the Fans

Love songs… Lyrics about his haze and his reverie…

Buthe’snot here. And I’m just… sad. And angry.

Okay, I need to take break… before I snap another charcoal pencil in half.

Ripping the headphones off my head, I toss them down with my pencils, standing up and yanking my hair in my fists. I peer down at the fuzzy blanket on the floor, where Robin is lying, gazing up at me with wide, yellow eyes.

“What are you looking at?” I grumble. She blinks at me. “Mom!” I growl out loud, stalking out of my bedroom.

“Yes, dear?” my mother mumbles from the living room.

I’m in the kitchen in an instant, rifling through the cupboards. “Please tell me we have more Lucky Charms… I’m in need of the kind of comfort only freeze-dried marshmallows can provide.”

Mom sighs, a pitying sound, and I shoot a glare in her direction. “Avi, I say this with love…” she starts, standing up from the couch. “You need to smoke some weed. Because you’re stressing me out.”

My jaw clenches together, in an annoyance that’s been surrounding me like an aura for the past five weeks. “You know I quit…”

“Yea, Iknow.” She rubs her eyes. “And as your mother, I feel like I need to tell you this… you’ve beenwaytoo grouchy the last few weeks. It’s making it impossible to even be around you.”

She gives me a sympathetic head tilt that forces me to pause my rampant ransacking for junk food.

“Well, I’msorry.” I slam the cupboard door. “Iapologizethat my attempt at getting healthy is so inconvenient to everyone.”

I know I’m being ridiculous, but I can’t help it.

Not only have I not smoked in five weeks, but I also haven’t gotten laid in five weeks, and between the two, I’ve officially become the most insufferable person in the Greater Boston Area.

I’m aware of it. But unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do to help it.

I stopped smoking for Kyran. And then he left.

And now I’m just drifting through my days…driving everyone I know insane with my moodiness, apparently.

My mother steps over to me, running her hands up my shoulders. “Avi… it’s okay to miss him, you know. If you want to talk about him, I’m more than willing to—”

“That’s just it,” I cut her off. “Ican’ttalk about him. Because talking about him makes me miss him even more, and missinghim does nothing for me. Because he won’t talk to me, I don’t know where he is, and I have no idea if he’s ever coming back.” Stopping to take a breath, I cover my face with my palms. “I don’t know what to do with these feelings… I don’t know if I’m wasting my time waiting for him. I’m just… lost.”

My mom pouts to cover a smile, brushing my hair back with her fingers. “Sweetie, you’re notlost. You’re in love. And I know it hurts sometimes… caring so much for someone and not knowing where they stand.”

I blink at her, the weight of my emotions crushing me into the hardwood floor. “So what am I supposed to do, then?”

She stares at me for a moment before murmuring, “Just keep holding on. If it’s meant to be, then it’ll work out.”

She shows me a small grin, and I roll my eyes. “That’s really comforting. Thanks, Mom.”

Shaking her head, she turns and grabs her coat. “I’m going out for a bit.”

“Where??” I grunt.

“Out,” she repeats firmly, heading for the door. “Maybe by the time I get back, you’ll be a little less… severe.”

She leaves while I’m grumbling, “Unlikely.”

Once she’s gone, I sigh, glancing around our new apartment. It’s a sublet, from some nice lady named Jill, who I guess lives down in Florida half the year to escape the cruel New England winters. I know we’ll probably have to find something else in a few months, but for now, it works.

When my mom moved out of Tom’s house in Somerville, it only made sense for us to get a place together again, since I’m no longer in school. I hate to admit it, but I’ve been drifting over the last few weeks, what with Kyran being gone and all. I’d hoped that working on my art would sustain me, but everything I do just ends up reminding me of him.

Living with Frankie was fun while it lasted, but just like my mom is now, she too got sick of my crabbiness. I guess the not smoking and being devastated over the loss of my sweet, sexy control-freak is turning me into the grumpy pessimist Kyran used to be… Before we fell in love.