Page 149 of For the Fans

“Actually, if I remember correctly, she wants nothing to do withyou,” I seethe through gritted teeth.

He drops his fork aggressively onto his plate. “Kyran, you are being beyond childish.”

“Whatever…” I roll my eyes.

“I’m going to midnight mass at St. Joseph’s tonight, and I think you should come with me.”

That gets me.

My fingers twitch as they curl around the edge of the table, my body stiffening in rage.

“Are you fucking serious??” I shoot fury at him through my eyes.

“Watch your language at this table,” he snaps. “It would do you some good… Get back some of the faith you’ve clearly lost.”

I’m teeming in a full-on wrathful episode as I growl, “That’s it.” Shoving my chair back, I stand up fast. “Fuck you and yourfaith,” I spit in his direction, turning away because I need to get the fuck out of this room before I lunge over the table and choke him to death.

“Kyran, wait,” Hannah pleads, pinning my father with a scathing look.

“Sorry… I’m not feeling very cheery right now.” I stomp away from the table. “Merry fuckingChristmas.”

I rush toward the stairs, but the idea of going up into my room right now makes it even harder to breathe.I need some fresh air… I need to get out of this house.

So instead, I go to the front door, whipping it open and diving out into the cold night air. Stalking down the walkway, I’m fuming so hard I barely even notice that I’m not wearing a coat until a snowflake lands on me. More begin to fall, sprinkling the arms of my dark gray Henley.

Great. Snow. Another thing everyone thinks is pretty and special, but really, it’s just a big fucking mess.

On a mission to clear my head, I walk up the road, my thoughts a muddled mess of bullshit. Anger clenches my fists at my sides, echoes of screaming and fighting, people packing and leaving whirring up in my mind like a blender, creating a thick concoction of stifling hopelessness.

I walk for many minutes, making a giant loop around the neighborhood until my teeth are chattering and I can’t feel myhands. The devastation of it all is weighing on my shoulders. I can barely carry it anymore…

This terrible, awful truth I hold is so very exhausting.

Whether I feel different or not, it doesn’t matter. I can run from every person, every place that reminds me of my past, but it’s still always there.

Distraction, denial, avoidance… they don’t work.

Because I’m still broken inside, and nobody fucking cares.

Sniffling, my clunky steps shuffle to a halt while I gaze up my street. My hands are shaking as I pull my phone out of my pocket, snapping a picture of a lone streetlamp, illuminating the falling snow like glitter raining from the heavens.

My fingers are numb, typing out a post for my Instagram while emotion crawls up my throat that I have to swallow and swallow andswallowto keep down…

Silent night.

Biting my lip to stop its shivering, I’m about to post the picture when I hear footsteps. Then a deep, familiar voice that has my eyes falling shut… In relief, maybe.

Sweet, confounding comfort.He’s… here.

“Ky…” Avi stomps over to me, and when my eyes open, I find him carrying my coat, opening it up to drape it over my shoulders. “Jesus, it’s fucking freezing out here. How are you walking around with no coat on??”

“I’m… I’m s-sorry,” I croak, stupidly, blinking hard to keep the pressure intact behind my eyes.

“No… Don’t say that,” he speaks firmly, holding my coat around my shoulders. His arms and the way his body is pressing into mine warms me, more than just on the surface. It feels like he’s warming meinside, too. “Don’t apologize for being out here. I’m just glad I found you…”

Peeking at him, I notice the snowflakes covering his shoulders and his hat… his eyelashes.

“H-how long have you b-been out here?” My words ride on shivers.