Page 223 of For the Fans

The words are spinning in my mind, being read aloud in my own voice.

The archdiocese has agreed to dismiss and laicize Father James McAdams of Cathedral of the Holy Cross in South Boston, per out of court settlement with the family of Kyran Thomas Harbor, Somerville, MA.

The Church will pay out a sum of one-point-four million dollars to the family. Settlement professes nondisclosure…

“Bridget… I’m gonna be sick…” I cough, barely even recognizing my own voice as I stand up and sprint to the bathroom.

Heaving with my face on fire, I throw up the booze I just consumed. But I’m numb… I don’t feel the burn and the wrenching pain in my gut. All I feel is excruciating, throbbinganger.

Falling back on my knees, I force myself to breathe, steadying enough to stand up on wobbly legs. I rinse my mouth out and splash water on my face, eyes traveling up to my reflection in the mirror. And I remember…

I remember the times I’ve seen Kyran do this.

Staring at himself in the mirror, like he’s desperately trying to recognize himself.

Stumbling back into the room, I find Bridget shakily pouring herself another drink.

“A s-settlement??” I stammer, shaking my head.

This is fuckinginsane. I can’t even process it. It’s like my mind has completely shut down. I think I’m in shock.

She sips her drink, wincing before pushing out a long, hopeless breath. “It was the end of summer before my senior year of high school… Kyran had just come home from church camp, this dumb bullshit our parents used to make us do. I hadn’t gone in a few years, because I’d whined and begged to go to camp with my friends instead. But Kyran was still going. We were supposed to go to the Cape in the morning… I was packing my… swimsuit.” She chokes on the word and releases a quiet sobof a noise before roughly rubbing at her face, like she’s trying to force away the terror of an awful memory.

“I heard a noise. Like a… thud. Coming from the upstairs bathroom,” she speaks quietly, her wide gaze stuck on the marble countertop. “I rushed to the door and knocked, calling out to Kyran to see if it was him. If he was okay…” She stops again to breathe. “He wasn’t answering me, and the door was locked, so I used a credit card to break in. He was… he was lying on the floor of the tub with the shower running and half the shower curtain ripped down.”

My chest is somehow hollow and pulsing at the same time as she struggles out more words. “I thought he’d fallen, so I rushed over to him. He didn’t look hurt, but he was… staring. Not blinking, juststaring. I thought he was dead for a second, and I swear to God, I’ve never been so scared in my life. But then I realized he was breathing… trembling from head to toe.

“I wrapped him in a towel and got him out of the tub… He could barely walk, and I wasscreamingat him to tell me what was wrong, but he wouldn’t speak.”

I can somehowseeeverything she’s describing…Young Kyran, frozen in shock.

Broken.

My legs give out and I come crashing to the floor, sitting with my knees bent and my fingers threaded in my hair, gripping my skull.

“When I… mentioned that I was going to call an ambulance, he suddenly snapped out of it and his head started flinging back and forth while he criedno… over and over.” Bridget stops with tears tumbling down her cheeks and she swallows more liquor. “I took him into my room, got him dressed, and put him in my bed… And he was crying and crying. AndIwas crying because I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew it was bad, you know? When he finally calmed down enough to breathe andspeak, he said, ‘Something happened.’” She wipes her nose with her hand, the sorrow on her face palpable. “That’s when I knew… I mean, I didn’t know the details. I didn’t need to… But Iknewsomething terrible had happened to him, andfuck, I just wanted to rip myself open and give him whatever he needed to feel better. But there wasnothingI could do… I’d already failed him. Because I didn’t protect him.”

She drops her head to the counter. “I was supposed to protect him.”

Without even realizing it, I’m crying. Silently whimpering grief for the love of my life.

And this brokenness he’s been holding inside for so long.

The room is silent for a while before Bridget continues. “Eventually, he told me what Father McAdams had done… And Avi… I’m telling you that I’ve never wanted so badly to hurt someone in my whole life. That night, I went to the asshole’s house. I took the bus, and I went to hisfucking house… and I stood outside, thinking about if I could actually do it. If I couldkillhim…”

Her head lifts, and our eyes lock. I feel the hatred, the wrath, and the pain, moving between her and me, like a tangible force of energy.

My muscles stiffen and my teeth grind together.I want that, too.I don’t even know this person, but I want him to burn alive in an inferno for all eternity. I want him to know exactly why he’s being punished. I need him togetit.

“Obviously, I didn’t,” she huffs weakly. “He killed himself, by the way. They found him hanging from a light fixture in his study four years ago… With a piece of paper gripped in his fist that saidI’m sorry.” She cackles a furiously unamused laugh. “Sorry?!Fuck!” she screams, and I flinch as she jumps up and starts pacing around. She looks so much like Kyran right now, it’s making me feel sick again. “Whatever, that’s not the point.He got off way too easily, as far as I’m concerned. But that night when I came home, it turns out Kyran had told Dad. And do you wanna know what our father said…?”

I’m exhausted as I breathe, “I’m guessing he didn’t believe him…”

“I’m sure he knew it was true,” she grunts. “But he told him he wasoverreacting. That he was just making up stories that could destroy people’s lives.”

My eyes fall shut, jaw straining, as I slowly recline onto my back on the floor.

This is so completely fucking fucked.