Page 136 of For the Fans

The camera might as well not even have been there.

And that’s a problem. Because I’mnotgay, and Avi is my stepbrother. I shouldn’t be doing what I’ve been doing with him in the first place, but the second we lose sight ofwhywe started doing it, this turns into a much bigger problem…

A life-altering one.

I don’t want to think about confronting this stuff. My goal since I was twelve years old has been to stuff it all down.Avoid, distract, deny.That’s how I cope… The only way I’m even surviving the endless inner torment known as my life.

I don’t think I can juggle these two completely different versions of myself…

Are either of them the real me?

Who even am I??

As chaotic as all of these thoughts are, they’re just adding to the stress of my current predicament. I’m packing a bag right now, preparing to go home for the holidays.

Christmas break issupposedto be fun. I’m sure most other students are looking forward to spending the holidays with their families, opening presents, sipping hot cocoa, talking and laughing and being normal.

But not me. I’m filled with mortal dread as I remove clothes from my travel bag and stuff in new ones. We just got back last night from a playoff game in Mississippi, where we defeated OleMiss twenty-four to seventeen. It was a tight win… Their defense was on us like glue, and we only made it by the skin of our teeth. I refuse to admit that my head was elsewhere, but I was having trouble concentrating just a little.

And now I’m being forced to spend an entire week in that house I worked my ass off to escape from, with my miserable father, my suffering stepmother, and the guy I’ve been having secret gay sex with for money, who also happens to be my stepbrother.

If anyone has a vial of poison they’d like to slip into my coat pocket, now’s the time.

Guty left early this morning for his flight back to Nevada, so I’m just sort of lingering around in the dorm.I still have a few hours to kill before I need to leave…

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, without even knowing why I’m doing it, I open my text messages and type a new one.

Me: Hey… You wanna hang for a few before we go home?

My foot is tapping rapidly on the floor while I chew my lower lip, pretending like I’m not watching the screen out of the corner of my eye for the moment he reads the message.

Five whole minutes pass, and eventually I shake my head, feeling like an idiot as I open the Uber app. But just as I’m about to order it, a text pings.

Avi: Yea, that would be cool.

Avi: Come over. And bring burgers ;)

Rolling my eyes, I stuff my phone away and grab my stuff, heading for the door. The walk to his dorm is less than five minutes, during which I’m pulling the collar of my coat up around my neck to avoid the cold. When I get inside and up to his floor, I let out a breath before knocking. I’m feeling all manners of jittery while I listen to him clomping up to the door.

He whips it open, the elated grin slipping off his face when he sees me.

“Why are you frowning?” I push past Avi into his dorm, and he closes the door behind me. “Expecting someone else?” I cock my eyebrow at him while shrugging out of my coat.

“I asked you to bring burgers, and yet here you are, burger-free.” He sidles around me to the kitchen in his backwards cap and sweatpants, and I force myself not to spend one more second looking at his bare chest.

“I’m not DoorDash, bitch,” I grumble, accepting the cup he’s offering me. “If you want burgers, fucking order them yourself.”

“Always a ray of sunshine.” He smirks sarcastically, and I shrug, taking a drink.

I certainly need it to calm the hectic rapids crashing inside me from the fact that I’m here again.

I think it’s clear that I’m not ago-with-the-flowkind of person. Sometimes I wish I was, but it’s just not me. I haven’t been optimistically easy-going since I was a kid. Everything I do in my life is intricately planned out and crafted to fit the image of myself I’ve created, to ensure I never get caught with my guard down ever again.

Or at least that’s how itwas… Until I started engaging in gay liaisons with my stepbrother for money.

And speaking of the money, it’s been huge. We’ve brought in more than double from the last two videos than we made on the previous ones. And I have to admit, being able to see all of the hype surrounding the two of us with my own eyes, in real-time, threw a wrench into my original plan of cutting this thing off the second I had my housing payments.

Giving in to this situation is starting to feel like anewmask for me to wear. When I’m alone with Avi, I’m someone else. I’m playing a part, and whether or not it feels real is irrelevant. This version of Kyran Harbor finds solace in letting go of his control…Just a tiny bit. Just enough to distract him from reality, and the cavernous abyss of darkness inside.