Page 183 of For the Fans

But every time I’d put my shoes on and go for the door, something would stop me. I hate to think that it’s fear… But I’m sure that’s exactly what it is.

Because Idowant to see him…I want to see him so bad.

I want to tell him I’m sorry for being an asshole about the OnlyFans, and making the whole shitty situation about me. I’ve gone over what happened in my brain hundreds of times, and I can’t get past what a whiny, entitled ass-hat I was being.

Yes, I’m still nervous as hell about people from school finding Avi’s account. I’m scared that they’ll figure out it was me in those videos and I’ll be kicked off the team, or worse… Kicked out of school altogether. Disgraced for making gay porn for money, and doomed to spend the rest of my life working some menial job…

Living at home, with those nightmares.

It would be an epic disaster, but still… I handled the whole thing wrong. I should’ve stayed and talked to Avi about it instead of just fighting with him and running away.

After I told him I wanted to stay, too…

I’m sure he’s back to hating my fucking guts. That must be why he hasn’t texted or called me once in the week since our fight… Not even to congratulate me on the game. It’s ripping me up inside.

But the fear of what he was saying that night… of how close we came to something that still frightens me down to my core… it’s kept me firmly planted in place. Back in my warm bubble of avoidance and denial, which doesn’t feel so warm anymore now that I know how much warmer it is when I poke my head out.

That one week, from Christmas to New Years, was the best time of my whole life. And I can shove it down, keep pretendingit was just sex, or something to pass the time, but no one’s buying that shit anymore. Not even me.

And to make matters worse, tomorrow is the team banquet. Every member of the team is supposed to be there with their families,includingthe mascot. I don’t know if Avi plans on attending…

So even as we’re setting things up, preparing to get wild and rowdy tonight in the name of epic celebration, there’s still thisawarenessitching inside me, knowing full well that when the shots are flowing and the music is bumping, and the girls are surrounding me with flirtatious looks and teasing touches, all I’ll want to do is what I’ve been doing for months now…

Leave the stupid party and go over to his place instead.

Because it’s where I really want to be.

And I don’t want to wait for that to inevitably happen. I need to talk to himnow. To figure out what’s going on with us…

If there even is anus, without the fans.

“Hey…” I mumble to Guty, who’s lugging things around in preparation of the party, which is supposed to start in a couple of hours. “I’ve gotta run out for a sec.”

Stepping into my shoes, I pull my coat on.I’m actually going this time.

“You’ll be back for the party, right?” he asks, arranging bottles of liquor on the counter. “Lots of luscious ladies eager to get their hands on Number Nine Inches.”

He cackles at the look of horror on my face. “Please stop calling me that. It makes it seem like you’ve spent time personally getting to know my dick.”

He grins and winks, though his eyes are lingering on me in a studious way that has me bolting for the door.

I know it’s all in my head.If Guty heard some kind of rumor about me having sex with Avi on OnlyFans, he definitely would’ve said something.

I’m dashing into the hall as he calls out, “You better be back here for this party!”

No promises, bro.

Nerves and angst are tumbling around in my stomach like clothes in a dryer while I stomp up the road to the Thomas More Apartments. My heart is in my throat for every agonizing second of the elevator ride to the fourth floor, fingers wiggling, toe tapping rapidly to match the race of my pulse. When the doors finally open, I step out into the hall, sucking in long gulps of air with each step until I’m in front of his door…

446. The place that feels more like home to me than any other…

Because it’s whereheis.

Knocking on the door, I shift awkwardly, feeling like I should have called first. But this is what I do. I show up here unannounced, and he lets me in. It’s our thing.

Except that this time, when the door flings open, I’m greeted by a different person.Literally.

A guy with shaggy black hair and a lip piercing, who looks awfully familiar for some reason, is standing inside the dorm in nothing but his boxers, eating an apple.