Page 186 of For the Fans

Former…

Ugh.

Glancing across the room, I spot Frankie, and she looks up, locking her eyes with mine. She shoots me this sympathetic smile, and though it could be because of the mess I find myself in, something about it feels heavier than that.

It feels like the look someone gives you when they know you’re dealing with a break-up, and it makes my skin crawl.

Avi and I didn’tbreak up. We were never together.

We’re just friends and stepbrothers.

Thebusinessis over, that’s all…

Swallowing hard, my lips part, and Frankie starts walking over like she’s coming to talk to me, sucking me in with the magnetic need to confide in someone. I’m getting so damn sick of always carrying everything around myself. Just this once, I want to be able to break down and spill my guts.

But before she can make it over, two new people burst into the room.

Both tall, dark-haired emo boys with painted fingernails and rips in their black jeans. Except that one is a scrawny asshole, and the other is… Well, he’sAvi.

Ash saunters into the room, dragging Avi along by his arm, and I feel like I’m being stabbed repeatedly in the chest by a blunt object just seeing them arrive together…touching. Frankie greets them, whispering something to Avi as she kisses his cheek. And Avi’s gaze immediately flings in my direction, his eyes somehow shimmering both desire and unease my way.

Avi says hello to his friends, and my feet are anchored to the floor, even though I’m vibrating with this overwhelming urge to walk over to him.

But I don’t.

I just stand here, sipping my millionth cocktail of the evening, watching him speak to Zeb, who’s giving him a sly look, whispering things that have Avi rolling his eyes—most likely about theFans. But neither of them looks over here, so I guess that means I’m alright for now. My reputation is safe, and I can breathe easier.

Ishouldbe able to… But it still doesn’t seem to be happening aseasilyas I’d like it to.

In an effort to distract myself, I allow a few of my teammates to pull me into a game of beer pong, schooling them all, as usual,even with only partial focus, while the majority of it remains across the room.

Ash is hanging all over Avi, throwing his arm around Avi’s shoulder and speaking way too close to his ear. I’m trying not to let it bother me, but when Avi pulls away, and Ash’s hand slides casually down the length of his back, I end up crushing one of the ping-pong balls in my fist.

The booze swimming in my bloodstream is making things hazy, some song by The Weekend weaving its smooth beats all around the room packed with grinding bodies. A few different girls are looking at me, some of them coming over to flirt and giggle and touch my chest. But I just keep inching away because it doesn’t feel right. And the fact that itdoesn’tis stressing me out even more.

A hand much larger than those of the girls drops onto my shoulder, and my face shifts. His scent gives him away before our eyes even meet. But then they do, and a blue that looks like storm clouds locks me in place and shallows my breathing.

“Hey…” Avi rumbles, casually enough, though his gaze is saying way more than just that one stupid word. “Can we talk?”

I start to nod like an instinct. But then I glance around at all the people, and I shake my head instead. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Bringing my cup to my lips, I nod in the direction of his friends. “It’s a party. Just go have fun.”

“Kyran, don’t do this,” he sighs, audibly upset, but keeping his voice down so no one overhears us. “You made your point, and the business is done, but… is that really it?” He blinks at me; a fluttering look of gloom.

“I don’t know what you want me to say…” I shrug, my body pulling this unaffected bullshit while my heart isscreamingsomething completely different.

He licks his lips, running his fingers through his hair. “I want you to tell me I was wrong… that ending it didn’tendit.” He looks around quickly before whispering, “Us.”

And Idowant to tell him that. I know I do, but I fuckingcan’t. Because it doesn’t make any sense.

I can’t have feelings for him, because I’m not gay.

That’s thetruth, the same one I’ve been clinging to like a child clutches his blankie. I can’t fucking deal with accepting anything else. It’s too big, too confusing.

Too much.

“Butuswas just an act.” I choke out the words. “For the fans… Remember? That’s all it was supposed to be, the whole time.” Rubbing my eyes, I let out a jagged sigh. “Fuck, Avi, I didn’t ask for any of this…”

The look on his face is slaughtering me. He’s all helpless frustration in those wide gray eyes… I can’t stand seeing it.