Page 16 of For the Fans

“So, Ky…” Garrison says my name, and I peer at him. “You break up with Becca yet?”

A few of the guys laugh. And my chin dips. “No…”

“Come on, man.” He chuckles. “You gotta rip that shit off like a Band-Aid.”

“It’s gonna be so damn awkward.” I run my fingers through sweaty strands of my hair. “She’s going to Emerson… It would be like, really easy for me to stay with her.”

“But you don’t want to…?” Marcus blinks up at me from where he’s sitting on the weight bench.

“Uh, no.” I roll my eyes. “I mean, Becca’s cool and all, but BC will be a sea of new pussy.”

“You got that right.” Mack, one of my other teammates, grins wickedly. “And QB of the Eagles is guaranteed to have you drowning in it.”

I shove off the smile that wants to curve my mouth. “If I get QB…”

“Bro… you’re gonna get it.” Garrison slaps my arm. “Manifest destiny, homie.”

I can’t help the amusement on my face that leads me to chuckle.

“Man, what the fuck are you talking about?!” Marcus cackles at him.

“It’s a thing! I’m telling you!” Garrison defends himself.

He’s always been the hippy of the group.

“And, not to mention that Lexi is going to BC…” Mack shoots me another devious look.

“Hm…” I nod along, not really knowing how to react to that.

Lexi Erikson is this girl who lives in Everett. She’s fuckhot, and sometimes shows up at parties in Somerville, at which point all the guys drool over her, stalking around her like a bunch of territorial lions looking to mate with the only lioness.

I didn’t know Lexi had gotten accepted to BC. We follow each other on Instagram, but we’ve never really talked much.She cheers in Everett… Maybe she’ll cheer for the Eagles.

My fuzzy mind springs back to Becca, and my stomach starts flopping, bringing on a wave of nausea. I need to just break up with her, but it’ll be hard. We’ve been together for a while at this point. We’ve said theI love youwords, although for me they were just that. Words.

I think she actually meant them.

My mind is stuck on this while we all make our way into the showers, the guys still laughing, joking and fucking around in the background of my internal dilemma. If I could love someone, I’m sure itshouldbe Becca. On paper, she’s perfect for me. Beautiful, smart, similar background… My dad likes her.

But I just don’t feel it. I don’tknowwhat love feels like. And at my age, I’m a little worried that I’ve never felt something morethan a basic shell of attraction to any girl. Most of the guys I know either have girlfriends, or have been through relationships where they say they werein love, even if they try to be macho and downplay it. Still, it’s obvious they feltsomethingfor these girls…

But not me. My chest is hollow any time I think about love. Like a simple circle; an outline, with no solid substance to fill me up.

I might be broken… And the thought brings on a scratchy sensation, crawling up my esophagus like claws.

Moving in front of the mirror, I stare at myself for a second, willing down panic I can’t display in front of these guys. Fingers digging into the counter, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. When I reopen them, I lock eyes with myself.

You’re here. This is you.

More laughter tugs me out of it as all the guys strut around naked behind me. Swallowing still feels thick, but I push through the discomfort, just like when I’m lifting, and I join them.

I’ve always made it a point to move quickly in the locker room showers. It’s not exactly a place you wanna get caught lingering anyway. I’m obviously pretty comfortable with my body and all, but I’ll admit, sometimes the nonchalance of showering next to a bunch of other naked dudes feels tense.

Nothing to dwell on. Lather, rinse, and move it along.

When I’m done with my two-minute shower, I hop out and get dressed. And it’s while this is happening that I make a decision. I need to go find Becca and end it. It’s the right thing to do.

Like Garr said, rip off the Band-Aid.