Page 83 of Vespertine

“I’m having—ever since you showed up—I’m having troublesleeping.”

A gentle swishy noise filled the silence and Jasper imaginedNicky rubbing at the door between them. When Nicky spoke his voice soundeddifferent, more intimate. “I think that’s totally normal, Jazz. It’s like wewere talking about earlier tonight. Being around me makes you think of thingsyou haven’t had to think about in a long time. What we did back then, it’snot…I could never say it was wrong from my point of view, but I understand ifyou’re having trouble dealing with it. I’d like to help you. Even if it meanskeeping my distance. I’m…I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know that, it’s not…that’s not the issue. I never feltwhat we did was wrong, Nicky. Not then and not now. But it’s like somethingwoke up and it won’t go back to sleep.”

“Oh.” Nicky fell silent for a moment. “Oh!” He laughedsoftly and Jasper cringed, shoulders rounding as he hid his face in the cup ofhis hands.

“Don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not. I’m not. I’m sorry. So what are we talking abouthere? Are you getting, you know, boners? That won’t go down?”

Jasper appreciated Nicky trying to keep the amusement out ofhis voice, but he could imagine all too easily how wide Nicky’s grin would be. “That,”he whispered. “And I woke up half an hour ago, and I’d…” He trailed off.

“Shit, man. Are you having wet dreams? About me?” Nicky’sgrin was so smug that Jasper could hear it through the door. “I’mnotlaughing,I promise. Because that’s not funny.” He let out a strangled laugh. “I’m not laughing.Okay listen, hold on. There’s this article I remember reading. I mean it couldbe a drug-infused hallucination but lemme look.”

Jasper listened to Nicky walk away, and his shouldersrelaxed a little. He glanced down. His cock had abated a little, but notenough. He made a frustrated noise and pressed the towel down hard into hisgroin. Not that it helped. Quick footsteps approached, and part of Jasperwanted to throw open the door and just get it over with.

“Found it on my phone! See? I knew I’d read it. Okay, youlistening?”

“Apprehensively,” Jasper said, and Nicky laughed.

“No, man, this is super-important and it will change yourlife. So, it says that men, especially as they get older, should orgasm one tothree times a week as a preventative measure toward avoiding prostate cancer.So there you go. You and your hand should get seriously reacquainted, becauseotherwise you might die, and I’m sure that’s not what God intended.”

Jasper laughed even though he tried not to. “I don’t thinkthat’s how that works, Nicky.” He sighed and softly said, “Why is thishappening to me?”

Nicky was quiet for a minute. He moved around a little, thefabric of whatever he was wearing shifting against the door. “You horny rightnow, Jazz?”

Pure hot want zinged up Jasper’s spine, and he pressed hisfingertips to the door until they went white. “Don’t, Nicky.”

Again, silence but for Nicky’s breath. “You are, aren’t you?I bet you’ve been standing there talking to me with a boner that won’t go down.How long?”

“I’m not talking about this.”

“Just tell me. How long have you been hard?”

“The cold shower didn’t help.”

“Shit, man. This won’t take you any time at all. Just do it,okay? Why are you standing there suffering? For what? Just get it over with.You heard what the article said. You can do it in the name of medicalnecessity.”

Jasper laughed again but his eyes stung. “I don’t think Ican.”

“You want me to come in?” Nicky whispered. His voicetrembled a little and Jasper swallowed hard.

“I’m not…It’d be too much. I can’t.”

“Okay. I understand. I’m gonna go, and you do what you needto do. But let me tell you, talking to you has given me the biggest fuckinghard-on. And I’m going to go back to my room, stick my hands down my pants, andthink of you.”

Jasper’s heart beat so loudly in his ears it took him awhile to figure out Nicky had gone.

Chapter Fifteen

“GIRD ME, O LORD, WITH the girdle of purity and extinguish in myloins the desires of lust so that the virtue of continence and chastity mayever abide within me.”

Jasper closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. He fingered the sashhe was supposed to wrap around his waist. From the sacristy he could hear thegentle buzz of people waiting for Mass to begin. He was wasting time, but hefelt unbalanced and unsure of himself. He tried not to think about what hadhappened, but the sleepless night weighed heavily on him. Knowing Nicky wassitting in a pew right now didn’t help. While he didn’t have any issues beingby himself for a while, he’d suggested tagging along to Mass with Jasper thatmorning. At least he hadn’t brought up their middle of the night chat.

Am I failing, Lord? Am I failing You? Am I failing myself?

“Everything all right?” Andrew asked.