Page 35 of Vespertine

“No,” Jasper interrupted, sitting up straighter. “No, Nicky.That never would’ve been you.”

“Wake the fuck up, Jazz,” Nicky snapped in a hot whisper. “Thatisme and if I’d stayed here I’d have been just thesame as Jimmy.”

Jasper reeled back a little. The rosary slipped from hisdamp fingers and landed in his lap. “No. I wouldn’t have allowed it.”

“Oh, yeah? What would you have done to stop it?”

Jasper opened his mouth to say,anything,but bit it back. He couldn’t honestly say it was the truth, however much hewished it. By the time Nicky left for L.A., Jasper had stood firmly with histwo feet planted on the road to priesthood. If he’d known Nicky was in troublethough…

“I would’ve come to you,” he admitted quietly. “If you’dasked me to. I wouldn’t have strayed from my path, but I would’ve put it onhold.”

“You’d like to think so, I’m sure.” Nicky rubbed at his facewith both hands. “I’m not here to fight. I believe you.” He snorted softly. “Thatdamn hero complex of yours always could move mountains.”

Nicky was silent for a while and when he spoke again theanger had bled from his voice. “The only difference between me and Jimmy Orleanis I can get my hands on quality stuff instead of making filthy meth.”

“No,” Jasper murmured again.

“It hurt to see him like that. We had some good timestogether. He was my only friend except for you.”

“I know.” Jasper wished he could’ve been the only friendNicky had needed, but that was a childish sentiment born out of a jealousy hehad no right to feel. Everyone involved that fateful summer had made mistakes,but his mother had been right to point out the path the two of them were on wasan unsustainable one.

“I couldn’t even stick around and be near him that way, livingin a dump of a house with his teeth rotting out of his head.”

“So you haven’t seen him since you came home?” Jasper had toremind himself to breathe.

“No. I thought about stopping by. Does he still live offSilver Road? No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know where he is.”

Jasper’s entwined fingers tightened in his lap until theknuckles went white. “You’re really afraid that you’ll go to him?”

“Yeah. I’m terrified I will. And I don’t even like pot. Iget paranoid and feel gross for days after smoking up.”

“That’s a good thing to focus on. How smoking pot wouldn’treally provide you with what you’re looking for.” And what was Nicky lookingfor, Jasper wondered. What had Jimmy Orlean provided years ago? Connection. Aperson to be with when Nicky couldn’t be with Jasper. “I’m glad you came to me.”

“This has got to be the weirdest confession. Shit.” Nickylaughed softly.

“Not so very weird.”

“Really? Do you ever get juicy stuff? Murders? Rapes?”

“You know I can’t talk about that.” Jasper grinned a little.“But let me tell you the Little Heights octogenarians can be a frisky bunch.”Nicky laughed, which was what he’d been aiming for.Don’tdeny it, a little voice in his head said.You stilllove making him laugh as much as you always did. He cleared his throat. “Let’sstick with you and what’s got you looking for an excuse to throw in the towel.”

Nicky made a small, pained noise. “I hate telling you this.You must think I’m so weak. And for some reason, even though we barely knoweach other now,” the sarcasm was ripe, and Jasper could practically hear Nicky’seye roll through the screen, “I still give a fuck what you think of me.”

Jasper let a soft breath escape. “We’re all weak sometimes.That’s why we surround ourselves with people who give us courage. Do you havepeople in your life aside from your parents that you connect with? People thatsee the best in you?”

“No. Well, maybe one.”

“Someone from your band?”

Nicky sighed. “I meant you, but now that you mention it, Ramonais brave as shit. She might have some courage to spare.”

“Call her. Or come to me. There are people who want to helpyou; people who want to know you sober, Nicky. I know you’re strong enough toresist temptation. God will help you.” He had to. Seeing Nicky hollow-eyed andthin by the pool yesterday had been a shock. He’d looked nothing like thephenomenon that was Nico Blue on magazine covers. Watching him slip awayfurther into the shadows would be…unthinkable.

Nicky snorted a little derisively. “Like I said yesterday, Idon’t believe in God.”

Then why are you here?Jasperwanted to ask. But who was he to question the reasons why God kept bringingthem together? “God will still help you.”

Nicky huffed softly. “That’s kinda sweet, Jazz. That youstill believe your God will help a person who doesn’t even believe in him.”